So you screen-grabbed your own tweet and posted it on Instagram: An outreach program

Hello and welcome to Neilson's Outreach for Distracted Oblivious Narcissists Today (a.k.a. N.O. D.O.N.T). Before we begin, may we just commend you on your bravery for reaching out and asking for the help you need. You may have hit rock bottom, but we're here to pull you up.

You might be feeling a lot of emotions right now: scared, embarrassed, lost, hopeless. And you should be feeling this way. In fact, if you weren't, we wouldn't be able to help you. Only a self-important fathead would take a thing they wrote on Twitter and think to themselves, "not enough people are seeing this" and then post it on another social media site.

Through our G.R.O.S.S. program (Gratuitous Reflection of Self-Significance) we'll dive into philosophical and existential questions such as:

·      Did I really need to post that again?

·      Why?

·      Was it even good in the first place?

·      Is self-retweeting a symptom of my individual grossness?

·      Do my 30+ followers really need my self-congratulatory content poisoning their feeds?

·      When did I become the worst?

Patients will be captivated by an unapologetic lecture run by Emmy award-winning actor Alec Baldwin, who has been known to take people down a few pegs (like his own daughter, for example.) You'll love to hate his "You're a Rude, Thoughtless Pig" seminar.

Our facility boasts some of the most innovative humility technology available today. Relax in our RT IRL Room where a facilitator reads back the user's Twitter draft folder out loud until he is so embarrassed he must leave.

The stall-length mirrors in each of our bathrooms will ensure patients feel as self-conscious as possible. Our spa is just a normal spa, but the aestheticians repeatedly mention how clients could be so attractive if they just fixed whatever flaws they have.

N.O. D.O.N.T.'s aim is to prevent further damage of one's online content. But more important, we want to stop seeing your tweets show up in our Instagram feeds; a place already forgiving of selfies, food pics and hashtags used earnestly like #beastmode and #setlife. Our goal is to eliminate the toxicity of your personality and make Instagram a safe space again. We hope to accomplish this with the program's main mantra:

"We saw the tweet. It was funny, but not, like… that funny."

We look forward to seeing you and anticipate your great results. An empty screen-grab is just around the corner.

Like, Comment, Subscribe to our Outreach Program on Facebook, iTunes and Instagram @StopPleaseForever

Thank you.

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