Emails from your friend on a 14-day cleanse

FROM: Justine Welland
TO: The ladies
Tuesday, October 3, 12:11 pm
SUBJECT: POTLUCK???!!!!!!!!

Hi my beauties!! Just checking in about dates for our potluck. How's Sunday the 15th for everyone? As I mentioned, texted, wrote on my blog, posted on Instagram, and shot a short YouTube video about, tomorrow I'm starting the 14-day Eternal Sunflower Goddess Cleanse, so just something to keep in mind for Sunday! I can't have alcohol, dairy, wheat, caffeine, or sugar! Eek! I mean, I can have those things, I just choose not to for the next two weeks, which requires me to draw on deep, deep reserves of inner strength. Thank you for noticing ☺

The thing is guys, we don't even realize what an enormous toxic load we place on our digestive system every single day, and how taxed our metabolism is as a result of our thoughtless eating habits. So: if anyone wants to join me on this 14-day journey of awakening, let's set an intention together! We can swap fun Cleanse-Approved recipes, help each other breathe through every day, and emerge from the two weeks lighter, cleaner, and ready to take on the world. Let me know. My inbox is open anytime. So is my heart! ☺ ☺ ☺

Smooches!

Justine xx

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FROM: Justine Welland
TO: The ladies
Thursday, October 5, 7:12 am
SUBJECT: Re: POTLUCK???!!!!!!!!

Hey guys, it's Day 2 so I guess no one wanted to join me on this path to self-improvement. Not gonna lie, I kind of thought my group of girlfriends was maybe a bit stronger and more empowered than that. Anyway. I've got some dish suggestions for Sunday. Cleanse-friendly! Just a reminder I'm on that cleanse. ☺

• Rice crackers with scented air dip
• Five almonds in a really pretty bowl
• Ice cubes on a bed of arugula

What flavour of air dip, you ask?? Really let loose and use your imagination! ☺ It could be anything from sprinkling a puff of paprika into the air over the crackers, to like, well, a second thing.

For those who don't know, I'm on a cleanse ☺ Buddha once said: "There is nothing more dreadful than the habit of doubt", so I just didn't want anyone to question whether I'm on a cleanse or not.

Justine xx

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FROM: Justine Welland
TO: The ladies
Sunday, October 8, 11:51 am
SUBJECT: Checking in

Hey ladies, I'll keep this short because I'm just about to pass out under these nine blankets. I'm very, VERY cold. I've had five naps today already but I think that's normal – my body is on a true healing odyssey, hard at work becoming its most authentic self. Also I picked up a lemon just now to make hot lemon water for breakfast and it took every ounce of my core strength, is that fine, do you think??

Guys, I'm on a cleanse, and even four days in, this cleanse that I'm on (I'm on a cleanse), has already taught me one of the most profound life lessons there is: real strength is actually weakness. We're taught our whole life that strength is strength. But what if

I forgot what I was going to say. Anyway.

How about you guys come over for 6 pm on Sunday. Someone else will have to set the table because I physically can't lift cutlery right now. It's because I'm on a cleanse.

Justine xx

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FROM: Justine Welland
TO: The ladies
Monday, October 9, 4:12 am
SUBJECT: you all suck

ARE WE ALL SET FOR SUNDAY GOD, what the HELL DOES IT TAKE to get an ANSWER to my EMAILS. I GUESS YOU'RE ALL SOOOOOOO "BUSY" WITH YOUR TOXIC LOADS. WELL, I FOR ONE AM NOT. AND WHY'S THAT??????????

I. AM. ON. A. CLEANSE. YOU. BITCHES.

JUSTINE.

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FROM: Justine Welland
TO: The ladies
Friday, October 13, 5:44 pm
SUBJECT: may have broken law

Hey guys, I punched a barista today. In the neck. Whoops! I wasn't even in the coffee shop to buy coffee, just to inhale the air a bit and weep into a Ziploc bag of homemade kale chips? Couldn't help it. It's the cleanse. I'm on a cleanse, did I mention that?

Then I had sexual thoughts about a Twix bar, cool okay great, everything's fine.

Justine xx

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FROM: Justine Welland
TO: The ladies
Saturday, October 14, 11:12 pm
SUBJECT: FOOD FOR POTLUCK

Okay you jerk-ass punk ladies. I made food for tomorrow I made this stuff:

1. Quinoa gently drizzled in the distant memory of pleasure

2. A single crumb from a gluten-free, dairy-free, sugar-free brownie. It's actually made from dried coconut slathered in dark brown paint! Delicious AND healthy!

The reason for this stuff is I'm on that cleanse, so. See you tomorrow.

Justine

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FROM: Justine Welland
TO: The ladies
Tuesday, October 17, 3:02 pm
SUBJECT: I'M THE ACTUAL WORST

GUYS I'M SO SORRY I SLEPT THROUGH THE POTLUCK AND NOW APPARENTLY IT'S TUESDAY AND I JUST WOKE UP???

I got your combined 122 texts. I'm so sorry.

It's just, wracked with exhaustion, homicidal rage, and total, full-body despair, I crawled into my bed about an hour before you guys were supposed to arrive, and the warm cocoon, it just called to me, it called to my soul. "Leave it all behind," it whispered. "Forget all about how you put on vanilla-scented moisturizer after your shower, and then spent 10 minutes gnawing on the flesh of your arm because it smelled like cupcakes. Shhhhh. Leave it aaaaall behind." Then I passed out for three days.

In better news, Uber Eats just delivered me a 14-tiered wedding cake and a 59-oz striploin with mashed potatoes slathered in three pounds of butter. I love and respect you all so much, you know that?????? ☺ ☺ ☺ ☺ ☺ ☺

Here's to optimum health!

Justine xx

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