Comedy·THE EVIDENCE

So you need to hide a body – and it's your own post-baby body

If you want to avoid being a total failure as a woman, follow these simple steps to successfully get rid of the evidence and hide your post-baby body:

Sophie Kohn · CBC Comedy · Posted: Nov 20, 2017 7:37 AM EST | Last Updated: November 20, 2017

So! You're a woman who just had a baby, and this is what society has sounded like to you for the past few years:

HAVE BABIES

NOW

OH GOOD YOU HAD ONE

LOOK LIKE YOU NEVER HAD ONE

HURRY

FASTER

NOW

WE SHOULDN'T BE ABLE TO TELL

Great! What a relaxing time. And now, because those first few months post-partum aren't insane enough, you get to carry a mountain of additional anxiety about getting your pre-baby body back! NEAT AND FUN. Do you seriously think you get a quick time-out from the male gaze just because you nurtured and supported human life inside your body for the better part of a year and then miraculously gave birth to a brand new being? That's adorable! Of course you don't.

If you want to avoid being a total failure as a woman, follow these simple steps to successfully get rid of the evidence and hide your post-baby body:

1. Accept that this has happened

A person emerged from the depths of your body the other day, and as a result, your body is no longer the same. At the same time, though, you're extremely tired and can't really summon the energy to prioritize kettle bells just this second. It's okay. It happens to the best of us. The only way through is forward.

2. Drive out to the farthest reaches of the suburbs at dawn

There you can find discount warehouses filled with designer clothing at ridiculously low prices. Load up on tons of flowing, drapey, shapeless clothes in dark colours. Cloaks, that sort of thing. Think "magician chic"! Make sure you leave before sunrise to beat the crowds.

3. Take a moment to mourn

It isn't just a random body you're hiding – it's your body you're hiding. It looks different than it did when you were 25. It's okay to grieve for the abs you once had.

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4. Confide in a trusted friend, and get that friend to help you

In life, there is a small handful of people we can trust in our darkest hours. Identify someone in your life who won't judge you when you meet her behind a Radio Shack at 4:30 am and whisper, "I need help. Actually, mostly I need sleep. But society weirdly needs to still perceive me as a sentient Calvin Klein ad even though I gave birth two weeks ago."

5. Purchase a shovel

Not for any particular purpose. It's just, people who are holding shovels tend to successfully distract from everything else about them, for example, whatever shape and size their body happens to be. The shovel is a great conversation starter. Try grasping it on the subway, on the way to work, at parties, or during sex. Guaranteed that's what people will focus on and ask you about, above and beyond anything else!

6. Deny, deny, deny

"I love to get up at 5 am and go work out at GoodLife Fitness!"

"Salad for dinner? Again? Yes please!"

"An after-work jogging group?! Sounds amazing. Try to stop me from signing up."

If the topic of returning to your pre-baby weight comes up in social situations, reassure those around you that this important project is well underway, and also that it's easy and fun! You don't want to make anyone uncomfortable or suspicious.

7. Burst in the door of the nearest brunch place and act like everything's normal

Brunch is a strange and mystical land where everyone's problems are temporarily suspended in time and space and you get to chat about lighthearted topics like Idris Elba's eyelashes, or your new meditation app. Order a mimosa and relax. Actually, that's a lot of sugar. Maybe just a mineral water for you. Enjoy!