Small talk, decoded: A guide

Small talk is the fastest way to break the spirit of your enemies. It can make dinner the most uncomfortable experience in the history of time. It can be dull, or cutting, or an art unto itself. It is our one great unifier, and our ultimate divider. It is my nemesis. It is the reason I have said "Good, you?" when a stranger says hi.

And because time is precious and every conversation should mean something, here is the small talk code broken down by me, for you.

How are you?

"Good, you?"

Let's start at the top. None of us is ever "good." We're okay. We're getting through it. Sometimes we're great, but we're certainly not going to tell anybody that because saying so is even worse than the initial exchange. (Also, saying "great" immediately jinxes all good things and dooms you to feeling mediocre for no fewer than 14 months.)

All of this makes "Good, you?" code for "Please God, let's just get to it." Never answer honestly, and never expect an honest answer. The only acceptable response to this is "Good, thanks!" before moving on to your thoughts about the weather.

And never, under any circumstances answer, "Not good." We're standing in line at a 7-Eleven. This is not the time to go into details about your tax return. I just want to buy a container of gummy worms.

"Busy!"

This is my answer when I don't want to get into a conversation of any sort. I don't even know what "busy" means. I'm working? (Aren't we all?) I've been running errands? (Usually). I'm trying to avoid being invited to an event I've been ignoring on Facebook? (One hundred percent). If anybody ever tells you that they've been "busy," they just want the conversation to end. Or, more specifically, they want you to know how important they are...before the conversation ends.

"Busy! Everything's been bananas, just completely wild!"

The thing about this exchange is that if you fail to respond to the above declaration, you will be forced to watch someone combust in the midst of screaming, "Please pay attention to me!" Which I know, because I am that person, and am only writing this in hopes that all of you realize just how busy I am, how bananas things have been and how wild it all is.

"Fine, thanks!"

Wow. I don't know what you've done, but it's terrible and you should feel bad.

"What are you up to these days?"

"Not much, you?"

If these two words are said in any way at any point, a mental and emotional war has been declared on you as well as your friends and family.

Alternately: say this to anyone to whom you can't outright say, "I hate you!"

Yet.

"Nothing."

A person this brazen has nothing to lose. They're lying to you. And, because you have likely just responded with, "Really?" you will hear about every facet of their life until your Americano is ready, is a drinkable temperature, and finally, is cold.

"Oh, you know: same old!"

A power move. They know you don't know. I know you don't know. You know you don't know. It's more than likely you don't even know this person's last name. You don't know what their job is, what school they graduated from, and you don't know their marital status. And they know all of this. And they're testing you.

They want you to ask about so-and-so. They want to correct you when you name a school (any school) and get it wrong. They want to clarify exactly what they do for a living. And I know this because it's my favourite way to break a person: to stand there smiling when I watch them try to calculate how we even know each other.

Spoiler alert: we do not know each other. We met one time at a party, and both of us looked at our phones for most of the conversation. We will also never meet again. But you will always remember this moment because it was the exact moment I became your Queen. And you will never forget anything about my life for as long as you dare live.

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