Should you unfollow them? A guide to social media etiquette

We're far enough into the new year that our resolutions have begun to fade, and any promises we made to be kinder, nicer, and less angry have finally been forgotten. Frankly, mid-January calls for cold, hard ruthlessness. But in the spirit of trying to maintain a sense of professionalism and/or general pleasantness (despite the sub-zero landscape of darkness), it's necessary to keep some boundaries in place lest you burn the bridge that will deliver you from this wintery abyss.

Here's when you can honestly, truly, and beautifully unfollow someone:

Scenario #1

A high school friend won't stop posting about something you don't care about. Their content is inoffensive and innocent, you respect their life choices, but you wish your feed didn't consist of 16 photos of the snowman their two-year-old built last Friday.

Do you unfollow them? No, you monster. Are you kidding me? It's her kids. What did her kids do to you? Oh, you don't want to see baby pictures? Boo-hoo. This isn't a real problem. Now you're clogging up my feed with your selfishness. And this is coming from me – the most selfish person of them all.

Scenario #2

Somebody you know has morphed their Instagram feed into a curated collection of cat photos. They love their cat! They want you to know! They don't care if you like dogs! Their cat gets a hashtag now!

Do you unfollow them? Only if you're terrible. You know what nobody wants to see? You, making condescending, backhanded remarks about how you don't have a cat. Cats are cool, you demon. They are like people, but better. My parents' cat is so smart he runs under the bed whenever I come home because he has learned that if I see him, I will pick him up and hold him like a little baby, and he hates it and therefore he hates me. Now look at him. Look at him and his feline brethren, and try to learn how to experience joy.

Scenario #3

You have found yourself under attack by an army of memes. You don't know how, you aren't sure why. But between the moment you followed someone and right now, their account has evolved into a stage reserved solely for old and mediocre memes.

Do you unfollow them? Think about this: if a meme is posted on a social media account and nobody sees it, did it ever happen? And when you're busy thinking about that, unfollow this person immediately, because they are a bot.

Scenario #4 

A high school friend has become very political –

Do you unfollow them? Let me just stop you there. When we say "political" do we mean "very right wing and racist?" Do we mean "they don't see any issues with the Trump presidency?" Are you all of a sudden seeing a very strange number of posts from Fox News alongside the caption, "Makes you think"? Right. So I understand that listening to different opinions is important in this tumultuous political climate, but no. Nope. No way. Life is short. Life is precious. The fewer posts about patriotism alongside gifs of eagles you see, the better your life will be. Be free, you treasure.

There comes a time in all our lives where we realize we've been subscribing to a soap opera from which we can't look away.

Scenario #5

A coworker is still making #covfefe jokes

Do you unfollow them? I have never been so tired writing or reading a sentence. It is the year of our lord 2018, and there are human beings on this planet who still admire Alec Baldwin's Donald Trump impression and are still spoofing "Make America Great Again" as if the phrase hasn't instilled fear into the hearts and minds of most people with functioning hearts and minds.

So, look. You have one of two options: you unfollow unapologetically, telling the poster why you unfollowed if it ever comes up. Or you mute, choosing to live in a blissful world of ignorance in which Brad from accounting still seems kind of charming because you don't know he retweets the president with comments like "LOL !!!" (Somehow one of the worst comments.)

Scenario #6 

Too many selfies.

Do you unfollow them? No, you absolutely do not unfollow me.

Scenario #7

You've found yourself deep in the pit of TMI, in which you now know way too much about a person's life, despite only having met them once.

Do you unfollow them? I am genuinely asking you. There comes a time in all our lives where we realize we've been subscribing to a soap opera from which we can't look away. And it's fine, it's totally fine. You're living vicariously, you're grateful the life isn't yours. Until you see a post that's gone too far.

Maybe it's a photo bordering on a nude that you didn't ask for. Maybe it's a pic of them crying without any context, plus a few lines of poetry. Either way, how do you proceed? Do you cut them out of your life, risking the wrath of a soul who you know will inevitably make this messy? Or do you soldier on, asking aloud where your life went wrong? Help me. Help me know. I am trapped here.

Please don't leave me.

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