All the excuses you'll ever need to get out of anything

I'm embracing the truth: it's the end of October, it's cold, it is rainy, and I do not want to go to whatever it is you just invited me to. And it isn't your fault. I bet your event will be fun. I know the food's going to be great. But on my best days, I only ever want to go to A Thing™ for about half an hour tops and with a select few people.

Late autumn exists only to let me justify not having to do anything I don't want to do. (And to just meet those select few people at a pub or restaurant, where we can talk shit while wearing large sweaters.)

So here are all the excuses you'll ever need to get out of anything. You're welcome, buy me some knitwear as a thank-you, and if you ever use any of these on me, I'll know.

1. "I can't."

I mean, let's keep it simple. You can't. You just cannot. "Can you come to my mixer?" is what a person who likes mixers (what's a mixer?) will say to you. "Oh man," you answer. "I can't."

You stare at them with apologetic purpose, half-shrugging while looking regretful. In return, they do not pry – they assume your situation is dire. And they are right: you are absolutely desperate not to attend their event. And now you don't have to.

2. "Oh man, maybe!"

"Maybe" always means "no," and this is the weakest way you can decline anything. But I understand. You look at someone's hopeful face, filled with excitement over whatever themed thing they think you want to participate in. And you try so hard to say, "No, I can't make it, I'd rather die," but you can't. So instead, you say "maybe!" in a tone that acknowledges that you're both living a lie, and that your friendship is inches from ending altogether. And you live with it, and they live with it, and you will never be invited to anything they host ever again.

3. "I'd be there for sure, but the weather!"

You do not elaborate on the weather. You do not explain why the weather affects you. But if you say anything with enough confidence, you will never be questioned. As far as the host is concerned, the weather has thrown a wrench into your plans, and they are not wrong: to attend said event, you will have to walk outside and experience weather. And not all of us are into that. Some of us are very comfortable right now, writing in bed, and not planning to leave until it's time to buy more discounted Halloween candy.

4. "What time does it start, again?"

Behold, the art of the non-answer. "What time, again?" you say. "Oh, eight!" comes the reply. And you just give a disappointed sigh. This is when they begin to speak for you. "Too late?" they ask. "Too early?" And you respond only with non-committal nods. They understand. They have dinner to eat too. They also have TV shows to watch. They have other plans they'd rather be keeping. Here, you let them fill in their responses and you can sleep well knowing you've never spoken a word of a lie – you've never actually spoken at all.

4b. Or, just start crying

No one wants to deal with whatever it is they think you're about to bring to their party. Especially me.

5. "Oh, no thank you!"

"No thank you!" is an impenetrable sentence. You can't poke holes in "no thank you." You can't suggest alternatives. You can't even ask why. Try it. You can't.

Me: "Want to read this thing I wrote?"

You: "No thank you."

Fair enough and I hate you now, but I will never, ever challenge it.

5b. "No"

The colder, meaner cousin to the above, and one that commands as much respect as it does fear. See also: my preferred favourite.

6. Nothing, say nothing at all – just stare

Because power means never having to say "I can't make it."

6b. Nothing, say nothing at all – just stare, while taking a bite of a raw potato like an apple

Because sometimes it isn't enough to ruin a party – you also want to ruin someone's life.

7. "Can my son come too?"

Ask this as you pull a giraffe balloon animal out of your purse to reveal that it's dressed exactly like you. It's amazing how quickly someone can realize they actually don't have enough dining room chairs.

8. "I'm not allowed"

…is what you say after conversing with an invisible entity positioned directly to your left. "Why not?" you follow up. Your host watches, dismayed as you engage in a one-person conversation. You nod understandably. "Not when the demon's there," you finally say, content knowing you will never be invited to anything ever again.

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