Obituary for an internet repair guy, who died anytime between April and October 2017

Ted Ward, an internet serviceman in Toronto, died anytime between April and and October 2017, due to anything from a paper cut to a horrific barn fire. He was anywhere between 45 and 53, and his death is anywhere between a minor inconvenience and a major devastation to his friends, family, and colleagues at the wireless network provider where he worked for the past decade.

Ted was a convivial, easygoing soul who loved white vans, just trying to find parking somewhere around your building, glancing at framed photos on your mantel and asking if those are your kids, and cheerfully exclaiming the word "Welp!" He excelled at running out to his truck to just grab a couple tools but he'll be right back, except no he won't because as we mentioned, he has died.

Ted's thousands of customers in Toronto's downtown core fondly remember him as a man who encouraged them to call again if they have any problems, but they should be good to go now.

Funeral services will be held tomorrow, sometime between 8 am and 10 pm. We'll give you a call when we have a better sense of the timeframe, but you'll still probably have to take the entire day off work regardless and sit around perusing an old National Geographic from 1998 on your couch and then 6 pm will roll around and you'll think angrily, "god DAMN it, I TOTALLY could have gone to work today." We apologize for giving you such a big window, but we have a lot of funerals in the area this week and our guys are generally pretty good.

In lieu of flower bouquets, affordable cable bundles will be graciously accepted by Ted's immediate family.

Ted's family also asks that you please observe a moment of silence to honour him at some point today. If you anticipate that you'll have trouble finding the time, please call the customer service department at the internet company where Ted worked and they'd be very happy to place you on a dead quiet 47-minute hold, during which time you will be afforded ample moments to reflect on Ted's remarkable legacy.

Don't miss anything from CBC Comedy - like us on Facebook.