Newborn Mikkaaehyllah already exhausted from parents' high hopes for exceptional child

KINGSTON, ON—Looks like Mikkaaehyllah Rhose Vyolette Smith has her work cut out for her.

Born this morning at 5:33 am to joyfully anxious parents Cory and Catherine Smith, baby Mikkaaehyllah enjoyed precisely 42 seconds in the world before hearing her name spelled out loud by the attending nurse filling out her birth certificate. The shocking realization prompted an immediate feeling of spiritual and physical defeat.

"I get that all parents hope for a unique kid," Mikkaaehyllah sighed. "And that the most efficient way to signal their expectations to the world is to take a common baby name and brutally mess up the spelling until the name is almost unrecognizable."

Mikkaaehyllah burst into a loud wail for 40 minutes, gradually recovered, and then continued: "How am I supposed to live up to this?! They didn't just throw one extra weird letter into Mikayla. We're talking TWO Ks. A RANDOM H IN MULTIPLE LOCATIONS. I ALSO FEEL CONFIDENT THERE'S A SILENT SEVEN IN THERE SOMEWHERE."

"With a spelling like that, I now have no choice but to become a part-time neurosurgeon, part-time acrobat with Cirque du Soleil, and write a series of bestselling murder mysteries on the side when I'm not busy volunteering in nursing homes or running my organic peach orchard."

"You seriously think two people who named their kid Mikkaaehyllah are gonna be satisfied if that kid quietly works at the Staples head office????" she shrieked.

At that, Mikkaaehyllah abruptly fell asleep, so thoroughly exhausted was she by the crushing, oppressive weight of her parents' high hopes.

"Aw, she's sleeping!" whispered Catherine. "Not for long, though, sweetpea, okay? You've got a new branch of mathematics to invent."

Catherine and Cory say that the process of choosing a name for their daughter was difficult and highly fraught.

"We had a few on our shortlist," Cory explains. "For a boy, I really liked the name Mhiich!aell. You know, it's Michael, but we jazzed it up a bit because obviously our kid's going to be endlessly extraordinary. We knew he or she wasn't going to be like any other kid this world has ever seen in the entire history of kids."

The couple also agreed upon Klair, Jhehzykka, and Daevidd, though it would be pronounced "Jorrddahnne".

At press time, the head nurse on the maternity floor was struggling with whether to gently let Cory and Catherine know that this morning alone, 17 different Mikkaaehyllahs were born at Kingston General.

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