New additions to the A&W burger family

Ah yes, the ever-popular Teen Burger. Ah yes, and the Grandpa Burger. The Papa Burger! The Mama Burger! This is all very quaint, but it's like I've been saying since toddlerhood: A&W needs to take a cold, hard look at the difficult reality of our social hierarchies and add to its burger lineup accordingly.

You know what, A In Addition To W? Actually, I've done it for you. Here:

The Mortal Enemy Burger

A thick, meaty slab of drywall housed between two perfect pieces of sheet metal, and then thoroughly doused in a mysterious sauce that will surely truncate a human life.

The Second Cousin Thrice-Removed Burger

A juicy chicken breast served on a bed of who cares. Oh: until you turn 62, and then discovering this burger at our location in Cork, Ireland, will be all you can ever talk about.

The Deranged Ex Burger

You do not need to order this. It will simply be sitting listlessly on the sidewalk in the rain outside your apartment. And then you'll go "what — what are you doing here?" And it will be at a loss for words, as it is a hamburger.

The Friend With Benefits Burger

Pay for just a regular burger, but somehow get away with this puppy: a double-patty with extra bacon and 117 toppings. WARNING: Very difficult to go back to regular burgers afterwards. You keep trying to, but…

The Weird Hoarder Uncle Burger

A straight-up thing of pork topped with lettuce, tomato, cheese, and shredded back issues of National Geographic from 1988. Rarely seen.

The Suburban Jackass Nephew Burger

An imperfectly seasoned patty of beef been raised with copious use of steroids and hormones. Topped with way, way too much hair gel.

The Child of Divorce Burger

This will be available for one week at our Ajax location, and then one week at our Vancouver location. Sorry. You'll have to keep shuttling back and forth. When you arrive at our Vancouver restaurant, be prepared to constantly and thoroughly defend nonstop jabs at our Ajax franchise with your goddamn life.

The Hypersexual Great-Grandma Burger

A mouthwatering, juicy Patty nestled softly atop strong and supple buns. This is very upsetting. Please do not order this.

The Endless Manchild Burger

This unsatisfying 38-year-old meal comes served in a tiny Plexiglas replica of a basement apartment! Please use both hands to lift it: it requires an absurd amount of ongoing support.

The Everyone Fuck Off Burger

An absolutely perfect burger. Your dream toppings. Meat cooked to your exact specifications. Any condiments you want, and if we don't have them, Dirk, our head cashier who somehow looks both 14 and 50, will rush out and get them for you. You've earned this, simply by being alive!

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