Nets set up along border to protect Canadians from debris falling off crumbling empire
WINDSOR, ON—In many border cities in Canada, residents have begun erecting nets in order to save their homes and loved ones from the pieces of their crumbling neighbour that have been falling off at an alarming rate.
In recent years, America has switched to a "take everything from the very bottom to add to the top" method of statecraft. As anyone who has played a game of Jenga can attest, this method is generally seen as a real dick move that ends the game quite quickly and makes a real big mess to clean up.
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This has made residents of towns like Windsor increasingly uneasy.
"You're gosh darn right I'm worried," said Kenny Martins, a Windsor native.
"Little bits of rubble have been falling off for years, it was always a little nuisance, but now? I've got to look out for solid gold letters that spell out 'T-R-U-M-P' raining down. Do you have any idea how heavy gold is? Not to mention how tacky it looks. Any Timmies run could be my last these days."
This isn't just a concern for Canadians, though; it's also a fear down south. Former Municipal President of Tijuana Jorge Hank Rhon shares similar concerns for Mexico.
"We have enough problems as it is, but when that tire fire gets knocked over, look out. We're already dealing with their 'hunks of wreckage in Monster Energy Drink t-shirts looking for off-brand Oxycontin since it can't get coverage for its chronic beer pong injury' spilling over. I don't know how much more we can take."
The idea for nets originally came from a misunderstanding regarding America's border wall. When many Canadians heard about the wall, they thought it was a thoughtful gesture to contain the damage from the slow implosion being witnessed by everyone outside of it.
They too wanted something to shield themselves, but felt a wall seemed a bit rude for Canada.
Kenny eventually came up with the idea for nets as they were believed to reflect the Canadian identity best. "Sure, nets are safe, but they are also supportive and transparent. It's like we're saying, 'Hey, you're falling apart so I'm going to keep my distance a bit, but also I'm here for you.'"
"That's my Canada."
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