NASCAR admits to just airing reruns of the same race over and over
NASCAR has been busted, and it's tough to see how they're going to recover from this wreck.
The massively successful stock-car racing association was forced to admit recently that it has been misleading the public over the ongoing existence of NASCAR races and events.
"We have been exposed, and we need to face the music," said NASCAR executive Darryl Dermer at a press conference.
"The truth is that there was only ever one NASCAR race. It was held in 1971."
"The drivers drove around in circles for three hours. Everyone was very bored. Obviously. All involved, from drivers to team owners, said to themselves, 'Well I'm not doing that again,'" said Dermer, dropping a bomb that many have long suspected.
"But for some reason, people loved it," added fellow NASCAR executive Joanne Farnsworth. "So we said, okay, how can we keep this thing going without ever really actually doing it again?"
"So we just show that exact video again, the one of the first race. And we've done that for almost 50 years now. "
"Nobody you recognize — some of whom are quite famous — has ever actually driven. Well, not for us, anyway," said Dermer.
"They know how to drive, but I don't know how fast. Probably not 200 miles an hour, or whatever we say they're driving now. We've increased the speeds gradually over the years, and we've sped up the video."
"We've cleaned up the footage and adapted it to different emerging formats over the years," said Farnsworth, while admitting that the seams are really starting to show in the new HD version, and that people wonder why all the drivers have so many moustaches/'Vote Nixon' decals.
"So we've got to improve our CGI. But luckily we've got the cash to do that, from people spending so much cash over the years watching the exact same race."
When asked what fans who thought they were at live NASCAR races have been watching all these years, Dermer muttered something about "virtual reality" before ending the press conference and hustling everyone off the dais.
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