You miss 100% of the Costco free samples you don't take, by Wayne Gretzky

Hi. I'm Hockey Hall-of-Famer Wayne Gretzky, and I'm here to give you a little advice on handling what I consider to be one of life's most important situations.

You see, I've made a pretty big impact on the world. In fact, some call me the Great One.

But in my opinion, I simply can't hold a candle to the great snacks provided by my local Costco whenever I stop in a few times a week — and hey, you certainly can't beat those prices.

Perhaps sharing a couple of my strategies will help you execute the same ruthless, effective, and downright greedy manoeuvres that enable me to get the most of any trip to that big ol' box. Your specific situation and store layout might be different, but hopefully you can bring these moves into your game.

First of all, the play doesn't begin the moment I eat my first of many free samples, or even the first time I get in line. It begins the second I walk in the door.

My famously broad vision on the ice helps me take in all the angles, enabling me to spot the best options the moment I arrive.

Granola bars straight down the middle? Those'll go fast. They're not my favourite but I'm going to hit that first — I can easily eat it while I move on to station #2. Dishwasher detergent at the back left? How does that even work?

Rule 1: food only. Pizza rolls? Now you're talking. Those feature three things I love: pizza, rolls, and free.

Once I've made my decisions and reached the first table, I like to use the personal touch.

"Howdy, Craig," I'll say, having clocked the employee's name-tag and already eaten three samples before I hit the "g" on Craig. "Things going well today?"

While Craig's answering I've eaten four more.

One technique you probably won't be able to take full advantage of involves my fame. Sometimes the sample people know that they recognize me, but they don't know from where. This doesn't offend me; in fact, it's a best-case scenario.

"You look so familiar. Aren't you an actor? Matt Damon?" they'll say.

"Yes," I'll reply, taking the several extra free samples that level of celebrity allows you to take.

Then I will walk back to the very end of the line. When I reach the front again, they'll say, "Oh, I think we need to save some for the others, Matt!"

"I'm not sure what you're talking about," I'll reply, loudly and with a warm but indignant chuckle.

"I'm Wayne Gretzky."

Everyone in line will obviously back me up, and the sample-giver will be completely puzzled while I take the number of free samples that being Wayne Gretzky in Canada allows you to take (i.e. all of the remaining free samples).

Sometimes they'll then shut down the table for the day. If they restock, I'll return in a few minutes as, let's say, Robert Redford.

The final keys are efficiency and focus.

Costco has a lot of bells, whistles, and aisles that can distract you. Remember why you're there: free stuff. It's like Glen Sather used to tell me: "Gawd, Wayne, why are you eating so much 20 minutes before the game???"

At least I think that's what he said. I was too focused.

I hope you all enjoy implementing these strategies to make the most of your next visit to Costco. Unless, of course, I'm also there. If I am, those samples are mine and I'm taking you down. Nothing personal, you understand. It's just hockey.

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