Michael Jordan 100% unfazed by new wooden Air Naismith sneaker

TORONTO, ON—After an Opening Day release lineup outside the store that was actually just three people taking a smoke break and not waiting in line for anything at all, the new wooden Air Naismith basketball sneaker was finally released to the public today.

Named for the inventor of basketball Canadian doctor James Naismith, the heavy, unforgiving sneaker is said to add approximately "three slivers to your jump shot."

• RELATED: Nation chants "Actually, a Canadian invented basketball"
• RELATED: Undercover Ottawa cop disappointed to be cut from high school basketball team

When asked his opinion on the new release, legendary Chicago Bulls forward and pioneer of the Air Jordan sneaker Michael Jordan stared blankly at reporters who weren't even sure if he'd heard what they had asked him.

The Air Naismiths can be ignored on the shelf at your local Footlocker and come with a matching monocle, shaving brush and creamy moustache wax for gentlemen. As explained in the radio jingle, a ragtime piano number that featured three female sopranos likely in their eighties, "Nobody gonna dunk on Air Naismiiiiiths. Yeah!"

While absolutely no player in the NBA, WNBA, NCAA, high school league or private backyard has adopted the sneaker, athletes are still cautioned not to wear the shoes on heated tile as they may catch fire, though "that may also be a witch's doing. Hum-ho!"

The basketball community has been so profoundly uninterested in the product that retired NBA star Larry Byrd turned down a two-million-dollar endorsement deal to take a single Instagram photo of himself wearing the shoes to bed.

"No fucking way," he said. "Those things look goddamn ridiculous."

Lakers alum and current NBA pundit Shaquille O'Neill ordered two truckloads of the shoes and burned them publicly for a s'more bonfire at a recent outdoor event he hosted.

Gene Callaghan, CEO of Fine Upper Canadian Apparel of Yesteryear, the company behind the shoe, admits that his efforts may have been misguided. "What's the opposite of flying off the shelves? Landing... off the shelves? Landing on the shelves? Would you happen to have a noose I could borrow?"

Despite the catastrophic release, Callaghan will shift gears and go right back into production Monday on a series of custom basketball jerseys commemorating important events in Canadian history like John Cabot's triumphant reclaiming of the Atlantic coast in 1497. At press time, Callaghan's wife has left him and their children lose TV privileges for speaking his name.

Don't miss anything from CBC Comedy - like us on Facebook.