Local gym requires you to kayak through valley of hot lava to cancel membership

We're a few months into the new year, which means 97.4% of us are trying to very quietly extricate ourselves from that gym membership we so bravely committed to over Christmas. Well, guess what? This gym's just straight-up not having it.

LIFTOFF GYM MEMBERSHIP AGREEMENT

Liftoff Gym is an exercise facility with nine-thousand-and-fifty-eight locations across downtown Toronto.

MEMBER ACCESS

Liftoff members have full access to the workout area, locker rooms, showers, sauna, and smoothie hut. Members will be issued a keycard for entry. The gym is open 25 hours per day, except for Christmas Day when it's extra-open and New Year's Day when it's open harder.

MEMBERSHIP CANCELLATION

A membership at Liftoff is a lifelong, ironclad commitment. Your options for membership are: 65 years, 70 years, 90 years, or 204 years. Should you wish to cancel your membership before it expires, members are required to take the following steps:

1.   Call Liftoff, press "1" to speak to our receptionist, and state that you'd like to terminate your membership. An hour later, a chopper will arrive at your home or workplace and drop you off at the base of Mount Erebus, Antarctica alone, perfectly timed to the latest eruption forecast. A kayak, paddle, and parka will be waiting for you there. Your return flight home will depart a week later from the other side of the valley of molten lava, and there is no alternative way across. Good luck!

2.   Upon your return, you must make an in-person appointment with Andrew Revelle, our Director of Guilt. Andrew is available every 90th Wednesday from 4:35 a.m. to 4:46 a.m. only. Your appointment must be one hour in length.

3.   Please come to this appointment prepared to recite the entirety of Michael Crichton's canon from memory. If you falter or hesitate at any point, you will be denied your cancellation request.

4.   Since you apparently believe yourself fit enough to do without your Liftoff membership, you will be required to physically uproot the entire gym building from the land on which it rests, using only your hands. You will then be asked to hold the building aloft for five hours. The actually dedicated members working out during this time will be advised to expect some disruption and shakiness in their routine. Hopefully not too shaky, Hercules.

5.   As a final step, Andrew will lead you at dusk to the aquatic centre, where a black Liftoff duffel bag sits ominously in the middle of the pool. He will unzip the bag, which either contains 20 live scorpions (Monday to Friday) or a CD player that broke in such a way that it blasts Hanson's MMMBop on repeat (Saturday and Sunday). He will lock the doors to the pool and retrieve you in the morning.

We look forward to working together to achieve your fitness goals!

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