Juilliard to cut the crap and become actual bartending school

MANHATTAN, NY—After serious pressure from disappointed alumni, legendary Manhattan arts school Juilliard will now completely refashion itself to train students for careers in the food and beverage industry.

"Of our some eight thousand graduates, I believe Robin Williams was the non-bartender," said Juilliard dean and provost Adam Greco. "At a certain point we just said okay, guess the jig's up."

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Work has already begun on a complete redraft of the institution's course catalogue with offerings like "Post-Tonal Theory" and "Advanced Hungarian Puppetry" being replaced with "Making Sure You Have Enough Fives" and "What To Do When The Men's Room Floods on New Years Eve."

One male graduate who asked to remain anonymous took out a one-hundred-thousand-dollar loan last year after being accepted into Juilliard's Bass Trombone program and moving to New York City all the way from Wales.

"I now work at a taco truck called Hernando's Spicy Hideaway," he says in tears. "Yesterday my boss asked me to use my own credit card to gas up the truck but I was so worried I'd go over my limit that I didn't get enough and we broke down on the highway. I'm trying to Bunz my trombone so I can continue to have hot water in my basement apartment this month, but so far there haven't been any bites. Thanks Juilliard."

Despite the change, Dean Greco insists that the school will still remain incredibly selective in its admissions process. "Juilliard will not be training just any prospective bartender. Can you remember the specials or do you have to go back and check? Can you get me a Harvey Wallbanger at happy hour or is it a 'Sorry, I've actually never heard of that one before.' Are you going to ask me to settle up mid-meal because your shift is done or will you let me and my companion eat in peace? These are the questions you should be asking yourself before feeling confident enough to apply."

With a grand opening expected in 2018, a degree from the newly renamed Juilliard Academy of Libations and Public Hospitality will cost approximately $96,000. When asked if you can still tell the neighbours you "got into Juilliard" Dean Greco takes a pregnant pause.

"Dicey," he says.

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