I didn't come to this pumpkin patch to make friends

Listen up, chumps.

You might have come to this pumpkin patch for the festive atmosphere and outdoor fun, but as far as I'm concerned it's every man for himself. I came here to do two things: sip the free hot apple cider they give you when you get here, and dominate this pumpkin patch. And guess what, idiots?! I'M ALL OUT OF CIDER.

Do you think I drove 45 minutes on the QEW just for the pure joy of visiting Milton Friggin' Ontario?! Don't make me laugh! I came here to prove I'm the top of the game, and if you don't like it you can go down the road to the Metcalfe Family Farm or Happy Hollow Fun Fair or wherever pathetic clowns like you go to enjoy the autumn. The only "fall" you're going to experience today is your fall to the bottom, Jack! Because I didn't come to this pumpkin patch to make friends!

Hope you all brought your big boy pants, because I'm about to slay this complementary 20-minute hayride! When I sit in the back of that straw-covered wagon, know that the tractor is pulling the GREATEST HAYRIDER OF ALL TIME! If any of you think you can appreciate this crisp weather and fall foliage more than me, you're about to get a big fat reality check. Because none of you losers could ever dream of being on my level of autumnal appreciation.

Your nine-month-old might look cute when you pose him next to those pumpkins, but that baby is USELESS when it comes to picking the best one to decorate your porch with. I've got a pumpkin-choosing system that you and your adorable child could never comprehend. Do you even test the soil's pH balance, bro? My pumpkin's gonna have a rind so sturdy and a colouring so orange, you might as well go home now before you embarrass yourself.    

And don't even think about stepping to me in this corn maze. I know this 11-acre labyrinth like the back of my hand, son! It might be a casual stroll for you, but I'm about to zip through its twists and turns in record time. When it comes to navigating agricultural mazes, Theseus ain't got shit on me. And don't even think about trying to follow me to copy the route, because I've set booby traps all over that thing! I can and WILL cut you with a hand-made corn shiv if necessary.

You might think taking a novelty photo where you put your face in a hole so it looks like the head of a scarecrow is some kind of funny joke, but not me, pal! I do it for keeps and to a degree that would send mortals like you to the emergency room. I've got it all: the plaid shirt, the fleece vest, and the will to destroy anyone who stands in the way of me being the KING OF THIS PUMPKIN PATCH.

Now step aside, because I'm about to ride the crap outta this pony.  

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