How to use your obsession with murder podcasts to expertly solve crime

Like you, I've spent the better part of this summer driving around with my car windows open, blaring podcasts about murder. And, also like you, this has led to me realize the obvious: I could solve cold cases (or any cases) better than an actual detective.

This might sound weird until you think about how many hours I've spent listening to stories about serial killers, regular killers, and unsolved cases featuring a variety of killers that have led to me shout, "Lock your door or someone will come in and kill you!" at my friends when I leave their homes.

Because I now consider myself an expert, here are the valuable lessons I've gleaned from unspeakable hours of murder podcasts, the true crime section of Chapters, and listening to murder podcasts while looking through the true crime section of Chapters.

And don't you dare judge me, because you're just as obsessed, too.

1. Don't trust any person

Not just in terms of solving cases, but in terms of existing on a day-to-day basis. Trust no people, ever. Don't trust anyone. Don't trust family members, don't trust friends, don't trust cult leaders, don't trust anyone who's friendly for no reason, don't trust anyone who wants to help you with your groceries, don't trust anybody who needs help carrying a briefcase or with something "at his car." Manoeuver through this world with suspicion and a deep distrust for every single person, especially the people you trust the most. No one will ever tell you the truth.

2. Lock your doors and windows

This is just good advice, but lock your doors. Lock your windows. Lock your heart. Lock your suitcases, lock your pantry. "Great space", I said to someone showing me an apartment a few weeks ago. "Not a lot of places for anybody to hide. And this screen locks? Is there a deadbolt?" These are the questions you ask when you want somebody to know that you're onto them. The landlord pointed to the obvious locks and deadbolts.

I took the apartment. It's where I plan on investigating more crimes.

3. Operate in the manner of Nancy Grace

I listened to a podcast recently called Up and Vanished, which, I realized too late, turned out to be bad. But I learned a valuable lesson: you can uncover anything if you pursue the truth with the tenacity of Nancy Grace. Shout your suspicions about everything as loudly as you can while making assumptions about things you don't know the whole story about. Chase the truth by yelling, "Tell the truth!" at anyone who needs a minute to think. Shout it louder when you're escorted out of the McDonald's you've been yelling in.

4. Uncover information with abandon

Everything you need to know about a case you can find on Facebook, specifically by finding people on Facebook and creeping their profiles enough to make a deduction. Trust no one who uses emoticons in an emoji world. Do not accidentally like any posts from 2013, do not type their name into your status bar, mistaking it for the search bar. Then, go through all of their photos and laugh at their bad haircut from 2008.

This has nothing to do with solving anything, but it will make you feel better about yourself.

5. Interview experts

A few of the podcasts I listen to most include interviews with police officers, FBI agents, and forensic experts. These are the people you need to talk to if you want to solve anything. So, pull up next to a police car at a stoplight and scream-ask who they think the Zodiac Killer is. Wait outside a science lab and demand to know why your primary school kept your fingerprints on record in case you went missing. Contact any actor who's played an FBI agent and ask them how, 25 years after the fact, the Unsolved Mysteries host still seems so scary. Refuse to leave until your questions are answered. Yell about how the jobs on CSI were all fake.

6. Do not acknowledge your own brilliance

At least overtly. Hint at how smart you are while pursuing the truth, but act surprised when a forensic expert congratulates you for figuring something out on your own. Like the hosts of so many investigative Serial-esque podcasts, allude to the fact that you not only solve crimes easily, you invented the idea of true crime altogether. Never apologize for talking over someone who knows more than you do, and maintain how right you are, despite being proven wrong. This is your case, these are your rules. And you will never be asked be asked to stop loitering in the true crime section of Chapters ever again.

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