How to participate in sports talk while simultaneously displaying that you're above such things

For many of us, the only way to remain sociable is to feign interest in the ongoing pointlessness of sports. The good news is that it's entirely possible to participate in these discussions while also signaling to everyone that you have a richer and more fulfilled inner life than they do. Here's how:

1.

Give the games a derisive nickname

Upon arriving at the designated sports viewing zone, a good way to make it clear that you have no interest in enjoying yourself is to bestow a different title to the game. Letting others know that you're excited for the "athletics to start" immediately communicates that you have no intention of taking any of it seriously, and also implies games are interchangeable and insignificant. Referring to an upcoming match as "the sportsball" is a particularly effective way of deconstructing everyone's emotional involvement in the manoeuvring of an object. This brings us to the next phase of the game.

2.

Points and scoring

It is the nature of sports for the "fans" (short for "fanatic", a piece of trivia that you should absolutely audibly express) to become deeply invested in the outcome of any particular match. As the game progresses, try to draw attention to the fact that the rules for success are fundamentally arbitrary. One way to go about this, while also getting in on the fun of cheering, is to shout "hooray, points!" or "yay! A score happened!" when such events occur. Alternatively, a more reserved, "they're going to need to get more points than the other team expect to win" can undermine analysis and draw attention to the fact that all spectators are becoming invested in a childish game between grown men. Speaking of...

3.

Players and viewers

Because not nearly enough people have identical priorities to ours, professional sports participants and are among some of the highest paid individuals in the world. Many have reached this prestigious position straight out of college, while perfectly intelligent English majors languish in unemployment.

Despite this, most sports enthusiasts will express intense kinship with their team of interest, often referring to that collective as "we". To showcase this fallacy of reasoning, imply that you are also a member of the team. If a friend of yours declares that "we need to start putting the pressure on their quarterback", simply reply: "I'll do my best" or "I'm not such how much the two of us can get done." This will lead the room to realise that A) They are at a geographical remove from this match and are unable to affect the outcome; and B) The job performance of these individuals has no direct impact on their everyday lives. With any luck, some of your friends will consider worshiping more deserving celebrities, like authors or filmmakers.

4.

In the end, it's all spectacle

At this point in the evening your insights might begin to irritate your fellow viewers. Pay it no heed: flippancy is a perfectly natural response to being confronted with the truth. If you would like to get back on your friends' good sides, simply criticize the length and frequency of the commercials. All sports people despise advertising because it detracts from their televised entertainment. You can take advantage of this natural disdain to get the people around you really thinking about the perils of consumerism. Once you have re-established good will, it is time to imply that these games are in reality a platform to sell merchandise and make money. A comment such as "I can't wait for these commercials to be over so we can get back to the advertising" or "There are too many interruptions to this distraction" will guarantee your friends never wear a jersey around you ever again.

Use this basic framework for participating in the sporting talk while making it clear where your true allegiances lie. Keep in mind that these clever comments are endlessly repeatable and in no way tiresome, as it may take years for someone inoculated in sports culture to become aware of just how meaningless it is.

A final note

Should you find yourself at a gathering where such expressions of distaste are the norm, simply do the opposite of everything that was suggested above to retain your sense of superiority.

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