New 'Mr. Clairol' line will put sports highlights in men's hair

STAMFORD, CT—Hey, all men! If you've ever felt so jazzed about the fact that the Dodgers have finally ended their losing streak with an unexpected victory over the Giants, you can now have those very words subtly painted into your hair, Clairol announced today.

Hailed by stylists worldwide as "a winning streak", the new "Mr. Clairol" line of dyes will add volume, texture, and an endless collection of urgent and obscure sports knowledge to any male head of hair.

As with Clairol's Nice 'N Easy hair dye aimed at women, the Mr. Clairol line will include a wide variety of highlights to choose from, among them: Frosted Football, Natural NHL, Sensual Soccer and Glossy Golf.

For customers willing to pay a little extra, The Bleacher Report is the line's more intense peroxide-based product, combining highlights from all sports known to mankind. Men must have shoulder-length hair at minimum in order for all 432 highlights to fit.

Prescott Rambles, a spokesperson for the Mr. Clairol line, says the products are easy to use at home – all you need is a sink, half an hour, and a bro.

"You basically get your bro to hold the stenciled sentence to your head and gently paint over the words with our tiny patented paintbrush. For example, the stencil I used just this morning on my hair said, 'David Johnson's Injury Forcing Cardinals into Survival Mode'. And then I did one on my bro: 'With 20 players now qualified for the upcoming Presidents Cup, it's up to captains Steve Stricker and Nick Price to round out the rosters with picks on Wednesday.'"

"We look great," Rambles said. "Both of us look great. There's no question."

Although Clairol's hair dye for women is semi-permanent, promising to last up to 30 washes, the company was met with a unique challenge when designing the Mr. Clairol line.

"Unfortunately, the fleeting, ever-changing nature of sports highlights means that hours after you've sports-highlighted your hair, the highlights will be old news," Rambles sighs. "Which is why our unique formula will last only 14-18 seconds."

He continues, "We at Mr. Clairol are so sorry, but you'll have to re-dye your hair about four times every minute if you want your sports highlights to be current and up-to-the-minute. If you think that's inconvenient as a customer, imagine how our dye specialists and factory workers feel, having to produce a new product the nanosecond they've released the last one."

However, there are some Mr. Clairol boxes, specifically the Natural NHL ones, that contain highlights that will never go out of date.

"Canucks Disappoint,'" that's a safe bet, Rambles shares. "You can paint that shit into your hair and be good to go for months. Years, even!"

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