How dare anyone experience their 20s near me

Along with the purchase of my first pair of comfortable walking shoes (a sign that I am firmly in the midst of grownup life) there are certain things I will simply not allow to happen near me anymore, such as anyone experiencing the exciting first steps of early adulthood. 

I like the word "no" and now that I'm not burdened by the youthful desire to be likeable and "fun!" I use it fervently and with vigour. 

How dare you play loud music near me

I want to sit down and connect with the people I like, not coordinate my shouts with the downbeat of a song I can't hear the lyrics to. Can we not exist in public spaces without overbearing musical pulses dominating a simple brunch? When you're in your 30s, every group has a Karen that will dominate the conversation just fine, thanks.

How dare you not get hangovers and only require two hours of sleep to function

You are demons. I miss this part of my youth more than I can say. I find it absolutely unacceptable to be reminded of the fact that I can no longer slam a mickey of vodka in a parking lot and then stay up until my 8 a.m. philosophy class. How dare you remind me of the black magic I once possessed.

How dare you talk about being old

Your skin is tight and you're beautiful and stupid. It's the perfect combination. Cherish it. Soon you will have aches and pains and inexplicable sagging and you'll have to pretend that you're okay with it all, despite being conditioned by society your entire life to fear the aging process. Don't rush toward it, you gorgeous idiots.

How dare you talk about "enlightening" literary fiction from The Beat Generation

I get it. You just read On The Road and The Dharma Bums. You're a self-proclaimed bodhisattva now. Let me know when you start getting letters for your student loans and it gets harder to couchsurf because your body aches from the second you wake up in the morning to the second you go to bed. We'll chat about what a "free spirit" you are then.

How dare you call me "hun"

It feels cute, but I seethe at the inference that I am younger than you, which you know very well only serves to highlight the fact that I am not. It's a manipulative trick and I know it because I've done it. Is this payback? I HAVE TASTED MY OWN MEDICINE AND IT IS BITTER. 
 
I know there is little you can do to help your position in all of this. Being young is a gift, and I can appreciate that you truly don't understand what a sweet little token you possess until you're cranky and creaky and fed up with the lines the farmer's market. 

To those in their 20s, just be aware that one day soon, you'll find yourself sitting amongst loud, animated teens on public transit and you'll think, "How DARE anyone experience their teenage years near me.

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