House party thrown by minimalist minimally fun

OTTAWA, ON —"Make yourself at home. You can leave your coat on the floor," Cassia Domingo said Saturday night as she welcomed guests to her recently minimalized home. "Have a seat on the floor. There's snacks and drinks on the floor."

Domingo explains that she recently watched a documentary on Netflix called Minimalism: A Documentary about the Important Things, which follows the story of two rich guys who were depressed about all the cool stuff they owned, so they got rid of their stuff and now make money telling others to feel ashamed of what they own.

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Soon after, Domingo started to question whether her possessions were necessities or just an attempt to fill an empty void in her life. "I looked around my house and wondered if these things were making me happy or doing just the opposite. Like, 'Is this soup ladle actually the source of my misery? Yes.'"

Domingo joined the minimalism movement and began paring down her stuff to the bare essentials. "I own five physical objects now and I have never been happier," she reassures herself. "I scanned all my important documents, old family photos, and the diary by grandfather kept during the war and then burned them all in my backyard. What a relief."

"I'm pretty happy that all my deep-seated psychological issues are gone now," reports Domingo. "I come home to a big empty house with nothing in it and feel the waves of euphoria washing over me, I think."

Her substantially more obnoxious lifestyle was on full display at Saturday's house party.

"Does someone mind playing some music on their phone? I sold my stereo because it was bumming me out," requested Domingo.

Unfortunately, many of those in attendance didn't share Domingo's enthusiasm for minimalism.

"She asked us to bring our own cups, which was weird," said guest Lilia Thompson. "I forgot to bring one and Cassia told me if I wanted wine I would have to drink it from my cupped hands."

"I wouldn't say that party was fun per se," explained another guest, David Chow. "She didn't even have a table to put food on. She just had a platter splayed out on the floor, which is pretty gross."

"My back hurts," reports Conner Pruitt who sat awkwardly on the floor all night. "Most parties have at least a sofa for guests to sit on, but I guess comfortable furniture is too frivolous for Cassia."

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