Guy who's funny discovered to just be loud
MONTREAL, QC—"DUDE, I LOVE JOE ROGAN!"
Even on his deathbed, when asked for his final words, 31-year-old Doofer Platzy loved to be loud.
"Doofer was such a funny guy," said a sombre Doyle Mowhak, Platzy's best friend. "Once he said he made love to a pizza when he really just meant he ate it. Another time he said he wanted to [expletive] his cheeseburger! You can't do that to a cheeseburger, a cheeseburger is food! He was such a talented comedian."
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"Doofer was a big-time idiot," revealed Malcolm Fein, chief physician at Montreal's St. Valentinesday Hospital. "Unbeknownst to Doofer we had been observing him for over a year, and his social interactions became of much interest to the scientific community."
But what made the life of an ordinary digital marketer like Platzy so interesting? Dr. Fein explained it was more an absence than a presence:
"Doofer consistently made those around him laugh. When we looked into it further however, we were able to conclusively determine these interactions were devoid of humour. Typically, laughter only occurs after a joke or comical anecdote, or when a giant fruit or vegetable is smashed with a big ol' mallet. Within our first month of observing it became clear Doofer wasn't enacting any of the aforementioned."
Dr. Fein and his colleagues were driven to find an answer.
Many of Doofer's shirts had a joke on them.- Dr. Malcolm Fein
"A lot of the laughs came from pop culture references, some as simple as stating a movie or show title, so we began to focus not on what Doofer was saying but rather how Doofer was saying it. That's when we pinpointed the catalyst: confidence."
While there's no way to definitively prove where the confidence stemmed from, the community suspects it originated in part from the reactions to the funny t-shirts Doofer wore on a regular basis.
"Many of Doofer's shirts had a joke on them," said Fein. "For example, the shirt he wore most read: 'Wake up. Eat Bacon. Sleep. Repeat. Any Questions?' Believe it or not, people would see Doofer wearing this and laugh. That kind of public reaction furnished a false sense of comicality in Doofer, which only grew once he started wearing more funny shirts such as 'Today is my cheat day (and I'm not on a diet) (I'm cheating on my wife) (Don't tell her!)' and 'Pizza + Beer = Awesome'. As scientists we've run the math on that last equation. It's not even close."
But the most shocking part about young Doofer's death was that it was no accident.
"We killed him, yes," admitted Fein. "I'm kind of a comedy nerd, so to see someone so unfunny believing they were funny was torturous. And it wasn't just Doofer – this epidemic affects close to 100% of workplaces and social groups. As a scientific community we decided it best to lower the risk of exposure and mitigate the threat."
When pressed for more clarity on the "threat" imposed by dumb loud people like Doofer, Dr. Fein admits the answer is uncertain:
"Look, maybe he was a nice guy and this wasn't a great idea. I concede it's entirely possible one day we look inward to find our actions were motivated by an ugly jealousy and insecurity. However, the sense of superiority I feel right now is kind of soothing."
While Dr. Fein won't be memorializing Doofer as anything more than a loud dumb man, condolences and memories are being shared far and wide. His girlfriend Bray Tichards issued the following statement:
"If there's one thing Doofer'd want us to remember about him, it was his love for bacon. Not only did he have that hilarious shirt, he even had a bacon-scented candle! Now that's funny. Normally candles smell like candles but this? This smelled like bacon! Again, I find that funny. He will be missed."
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