Green Bay Packers mascot admits to difficulty acting like whatever that is

"The Pirates would have been nice; if you've seen one movie you know what to do, just a bunch of arrrrrs, right?"

With the NFL season recently ended, Vince Krieger, head mascot for the Green Bay Packers, vented this week in his first-ever post-season interview. He lamented the difficulty of portraying a "Packer," a person or object that he is, after five years on the job, totally unable to identify.

"It's a tough job. I jump up and down a lot, try to bring a lot of energy, but the cheerleaders are doing that too, they have that covered. So at a certain point I have to act like a 'Packer,' which...you know? What is that?"

"I've looked at my original job description and it literally says, 'We're not sure, it's something to do with what the original owners of the team did, maybe?'"

"You never want to see the phrase 'We're not sure' anywhere near your official job responsibilities."

As he holds the option on his next contract renewal, Krieger says he is actively looking for other opportunities before he'll consider re-signing with Green Bay as a last resort.

"What I wouldn't give to be hired by the Eagles," says Krieger. "Sure, they're the Super Bowl champions, but that's the least of the attraction. I have seen an eagle. I know what an eagle does."

"Or I'll look across the field on Sundays sometimes and see the Vikings' mascot waving his sword around, shouting to the crowd. Yelling Viking things — who knows what those are, but they're a lot easier to fake than yelling 'packing things.' Or the Lions — one growl from that guy gets the whole stadium going."

"So I'll try to respond in kind. I'll grab a pretend suitcase, you know, start filling it up, packing it. Very low-impact move, I have to tell you. It's hard for the crowd to even notice. It looks like I'm just tucking in my shirt or something."

Krieger grew more frustrated as he spoke, openly speculating on potential ways out of his plight.

"Heck, I'd settle for a cardinal at this point. I don't really know exactly what that particular bird acts like, but bird things, right? I can do bird things, flap the wings, all that stuff."

"And I could just wear red, there's half the work done right there."

Luckily, Krieger is not alone in his angst, and often gets together mid-week with some of his fellow ill-defined mascots to commiserate over their difficult lot.

"I talk with the Philadelphia 76er a lot. The New York Knick will join us sometimes. We just talk about how we don't know what these things are. That doesn't take very long, because we don't know what they are, so then we start drinking."

"Maybe somebody should just grab an encyclopedia. I'll bring that up next time."

"The New York Islander has it tough, maybe toughest of all. Because, yeah, every single person knows what an island is, so it doesn't seem so tricky. But how do you act like you're on an island? Surround yourself with water? Yeah, okay, then he's surrounded by water the whole game. Frozen water. It's called ice. Give him a break. He's doing a great job."

Krieger ended our interview after realizing that for peace of mind, he can at least apply to work a second job in a different league each time the NFL season wraps.

"I'm going to speak to the Columbus Blue Jackets. That could bring back some of my confidence, because I could just wear a blue jacket, then I can do anything. No matter what I do, I'm doing it, I'm a blue jacket. Pack that, pal."

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