Pretentious friend who visited England for one week didn't realize you meant AMERICAN football

PICKERING, ON—According to breaking reports, your friend Zach Gillard, who was in the United Kingdom for literally six days on a business trip, had absolutely no clue what you were talking about when you referred to this weekend's Super Bowl as a football game – until he thankfully asked several questions and forced you to clarify that you meant American football.

"Ack, sorry about that, mate," said Zach with a lilt to his voice that's brand new. "Okay, okay. So the New England Patriots and Atlanta Falcons. I'm totally with you now. Because when you said 'football' and didn't clarify that you meant 'American football,' I thought you meant like, Barcelona or Real Madrid or Bayern Munich or Juventus or Man United or Chelsea or A.C. Milan or Arsenal or Liverpool or something. Ha!"

"See, I thought you were referring to, well, what you Americans call 'soccer'," said Gillard, who just like you was born and raised in Ajax, Ontario. "And I was like, hold on, is he asking me to watch a game featuring Aberdeen, Celtic, Ajax, Rangers, Everton, Swansea, or of course my beloved Tottenham Hotspur? Go Spurs!"

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Gillard soon shook off the misunderstanding, and declared that you were a good mate, and asked if you wanted to head down the pub, by which he meant Boston Pizza, and said he'd get some cider, by which he meant a Creemore.

"I get it now. I get it. I was so confused," said Gillard, "because back across the pond [editor's note: where Gillard spent less than 144 hours], when we talk 'football' we're talking Leicester. We're talking Newcastle. We're talking Aston Villa. We're talking Blackburn Rovers. We're talking Dortmund. We're talking PSV Eindhoven. We're talking Feyenoord. But yeah, I'd be chuffed to watch the American football game with you. Should be a real corker. I don't really follow sport but looks like the Patriots might have them bang to rights!"

At press time, Gillard wanted to know if you also had time this afternoon to stop off down the McDonald's for some chips?

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