Game theory for your office Yankee Swap

Workplaces that want to get into the holiday spirit and also waste a minimum of four working hours will often hold a "Yankee Swap" (or "White Elephant" or, guh, "Dirty Santa"): Everyone brings a wrapped gift, numbers are pulled, and people take turns either opening a gift or stealing something someone has already opened. Traditionally, there is either a hard cash-value limit, or all the gifts are intentionally terrible. Either way, there are means of ensuring you come out on top.

1. You want to bring something low-value, but not into abject booby-prize territory. You want something that SOMEONE will want to retain (Meredith looks like she'll fuck with a scented candle) so as to reduce the chances it gets foisted back to you. That said, do not bring anything that is so valuable that you'll feel resentful when you end up with something worthless. Know that there is always the potential of a DVD box set of season 4 of Third Rock from the Sun waiting for you at the end of this.

2. You always want to go later in the proceedings, when more gifts have already been opened. Simply show up an hour into the swap and claim you've been waiting in the wrong boardroom this whole time. Everyone will see through this charade. Look who just stole that Dilbert coffee mug!

3. If you can control the food or beverage supply, shut it down. Put an "Out of Order" sign on the bathroom door. Ensure your competitors (no longer co-workers) are hungry, thirsty and confused. They are more liable to make errors that you can exploit if they think cookies lie at the end of this.

4. If you get something you even marginally want, hide it. Stick it behind a plant. Distract with effusive praise of other items: "OH WOW IS THAT A BATH BOMB? Better hold on to that, Denise!" Feign disappointment when you get something you may actually want. "Now what am I going to do with this Duck Dynasty Chia Pet?!" you say, having secretly coveted one for years. You know exactly what you're going to do with Chia Uncle Si.

5. Remember the expression "a bird in the hand is worth two in the bush," which in this case is more like "a piece of vaguely useful garbage is worth two of whatever irredeemable garbage lies in the pile." There is almost no benefit to taking a wrapped gift over one you can see, but be sure make a big show of scoping out those wrapped turds, hemming and hawing over your deliberations before snatching that pack of discontinued flavoured Tassimo pods. Mmmmm…Oreo coffee.

6. Finally, if things aren't going your way, politely excuse yourself to the bathroom and pull the fire alarm. Everybody wins a half-day!

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