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Undercover Ottawa cop disappointed to be cut from high school basketball team

Xander Hunter seems like your typical Grade 9 student. He eats pizza, hangs out with his friends, and listens to Drake. There’s only one difference between Xander and the rest of the students at Mound Lake High: Xander Hunter isn’t a student.
Nick Nemeroff · CBC Comedy ·
(Shutterstock / Rawpixel.com)

OTTAWA, ON—Xander Hunter seems like your typical Grade 9 student. He eats pizza, hangs out with his friends, and listens to Drake. There's only one difference between Xander and the rest of the students at Mound Lake High: Xander Hunter isn't a student.

In fact, Xander Hunter doesn't even exist.

In another fact, "Xander Hunter" is an alias used by 36-year-old Dr. Phil Kolp of the CIA.

Six months ago Kolp was sent to Mound Lake to do some undercover reconnaissance about "ploozle", a new drug popular with today's troubled youth.

"Ploozle, or 'dinkydonk' depending what area of the city you live in, is highly addictive and very dangerous," warns narcotics expert Carmen St. Diego. "Though it gives the user intense feelings of euphoria, the drug achieves those feelings by literally eating away at the skull. Also it's a suppository, which I find gross."

While undercover, Kolp was able to trace the distribution of ploozle back to Max R., the 14-year-old captain of the basketball team.

In an effort to infiltrate Max's inner circle, which the CIA believed would lead them to the source of the drug producer, Kolp's bosses ordered him to join Mound Lake's basketball team.

To maintain secrecy, Kolp would have to make the team on merit, as it went against protocol to tip off the coach about the operation.

"We couldn't risk the coach finding out his true identity," said CIA CEO Jeff Hazel. "That sort of thing can compromise an entire mission. Plus, my son goes to Mound Lake so I know some of the kids on the team; most of them are losers who suck at basketball. This seemed like maybe the easiest part of the entire plan."

Kolp thinks his biggest mistake was overconfidence.

"I walked in with an ego. Everyone at the office told me I was going to make the team no problem, so I began to believe the hype."

Kolp then missed 89 free throws in a row before storming out of tryouts.

"Normally we don't cut anyone," explained coach Rich Biggle, "but Xander was truly horrible and to be honest, mean. My job is to make the best possible basketball team in all of the Ottawa Regional High Southwest FF Division 8 and I take that job far too seriously."

According to a member of the team "Xander" did not handle the news gracefully.

"He screamed so violently that he actually started crying. He claimed the rims weren't regulation and the only reason he was cut was because everyone was jealous."

Another teammate sensed the undercover cop wasn't familiar with sports in general.

"He kept saying 'hop' instead of 'jump'. He walked around the court bragging about being able to 'hop' higher than any of us. He told us, 'I'm gonna hop so high your head's going to have an imprint of my basketball boots'. I'm very happy he was cut."

Despite the setback Kolp has found a way to make himself part of the team.

"I'm the water boy. So."

Though he feels good about contributing, he says the diminished role has actually taken him further away from Max's inner circle.

"No one wants to hang out with me, and not just in my student life. All my old friends have started to distance themselves since the footage of me yelling and crying went viral. I feel like I just want to hop off a building."

Did you know a Canadian invented basketball?!? (Yes. Of course you do.)

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