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Nation chants "Actually, a Canadian invented basketball"

35 million Canadians have been chanting in unison, “ACTUALLY, A CANADIAN INVENTED BASKETBALL” for three straight days now, causing residents of Western New York to board up their windows and stay indoors in an effort to block out the ceaseless drone of sound echoing from across Lake Ontario.
Michael Kolberg · CBC Comedy ·
(Shutterstock / rmnoa357)

ACROSS CANADA—35 million Canadians have been chanting in unison, "ACTUALLY, A CANADIAN INVENTED BASKETBALL" for three straight days now, causing residents of Western New York to board up their windows and stay indoors in an effort to block out the ceaseless drone of sound echoing from across Lake Ontario.

According to reports, the thundering noise began on Sunday night after the Toronto Raptors advanced into the NBA's Eastern Conference Finals for the first time in franchise history. Just moments after the game, one by one, every single citizen of Canada left his or her home, wandered into the streets and joined the booming, highly passive aggressive chorus, "Actually, a Canadian invented basketball," in an apparent attempt to remind the world that Dr. James Naismith was born in what is now eastern Ontario.

"It's as if a computer program has taken over every Canadian's brain just like in The Manchurian Candidate," said Shannon Horiwitz, a nurse practitioner from Albany who spent an "otherwise lovely" weekend in Toronto visiting family. "Their expressions went blank. They were all repeating it over and over the exact same way, with the pitch going up on the word 'invented', so it felt condescending," she explained.

As the thunderous psalm continues to ring out from sea to sea to sea, life outside the bubble of noise seems to be carrying on as usual across America. U.S. officials refused to speculate on the cause of the phenomenon, but one military source said the pressure put on Canada from major American media exposure was just "too powerful" for Canadians to handle.

The source went on to say that every known man, woman and child in Canada linked arm in arm, bellowing their "adorable" mantra together didn't pose any significant threat to America. "It's definitely not in the top three things we're worried about down here," he said.

Undeterred, Canadians continue to repeat the refrain today, even after the Cleveland Cavaliers handily won the first game of the playoff series last night.

When asked in a post-game interview if his team had any shot at winning a single game, Raptors backup point guard and Pickering, Ontario native Corey Joseph replied, "Actually, a Canadian invented basketball."