Man quits day job to troll feminists on Internet full-time

KITCHENER, ON—Martin Morton, a 38-year-old accountant, has quit his job at the insurance firm he's worked at for almost a decade. He says it's finally time to chase the career his heart truly desires: ruining women's lives.

Morton is not alone in his passion for anonymous Internet-based misogyny. The profession is increasingly popular among Reddit users, teen boys, divorced men, and amateur stand-up comedians. Morton's mentor is a 17-year-old who goes by the username "DrChoda6969."

The pair looks to their fraught romantic lives as inspiration for their trolling. Morton says his muse is "a lost love who [he] never met but stalked for many years" while DrChoda6969 is motivated by "that twat who wouldn't go to prom with [him]." Both follow the mantra that "online harassment equals male entitlement plus time."

Before Morton left accounting, threatening women was merely a hobby. "I was only able to call women "feminazi bitches" on Twitter part-time, which I found very limiting," he explains. "During work hours, I could maybe sneak in two or three verbal attacks on journalists who write propaganda think pieces about how sexual assault is bad, but I wanted to do so much more. I wanted to make poorly-designed memes."

Morton now spends all of his time joyfully publishing the home addresses of female activists and replying to intelligent Facebook comments with offensive nonsense and threats. He smiles fondly at his most recent comment: "The author of this article is so ugly nobody would have sex with her. 'Cause she's a slut."

Morton's enthusiasm grows with every insult he pens. "Now that I've quit accounting, I'm able to spew hatred at women and their loved ones all day long. It feels amazing." Morton is so dedicated to his craft that he sometimes sits in front of his computer for 72 hours straight without sleeping or eating. He has also taken to peeing in a bucket to conserve his energy.

Like many creative types, Morton worried that he didn't have the talent to thrive in the competitive world of trolling. "I would question if my sexist hashtags were sexist enough," he says. "But, then I remembered that I'm a man and I don't get insecure. I kept pushing and I'm thrilled to say that as of this week, I have seven followers on Twitter."

Morton's ego has already begun to swell at an alarming rate and he is proud of his accomplishments thus far as a full-time monster. "The other day a woman said that she was going to contact police if I didn't leave her alone, and I almost cried with satisfaction," he says. "I printed out the tweet and framed it. I wish my mom were still around to see me now. She isn't dead but she did disown me several months ago."