Annual transition from beach bod to Netflix bod begins across Canada
TORONTO, ON—Much like squirrels putting on weight to survive the winter months, many people are finding they need to prepare for the coming season – and fast.
"It was a little cold on Friday so Shaun and I decided to skip Corey's birthday and watch all 13 episodes of Luke Cage back-to-back. It didn't go great," local woman Kelly Warner explained.
Like many couples, Shaun and Kelly are finding they now lack the seasonal survival skills they developed last winter to see them through such a demanding task.
"After an episode and a half I had to check and see if I was sitting on a bag of our Halloween decorations," Kelly explains. Shaun nods in agreement: "When Kelly first sat down it felt like someone knocked over a life-sized Jenga tower onto me. It was pretty jarring, like going back to Canadian Netflix from the American one after they started cracking down on that kind of thing."
Other couples are also finding that given the imminent arrival of winter, the beach bods they were once so proud of now offer little to no real world advantages compared to the far more useful "Netflix bod." Without a healthy layer of fat, many lack the resources necessary to bail last minute on plans they made weeks ago, instead opting to consume a year's worth of television in one sitting.
Kelly was quick to realize this deficiency: "Like, what good is my beach bod now, even? Or Shaun's? It's just for show and I can't even see it under the Maple Leafs Snuggie Shaun has started to wear all the time."
"It's not a Snuggie. It's a Slanket," Shaun sighs. "We got it at that weird outlet mall."
"I'm not having this argument again," Kelly responds.
With the recent explosion of food delivery though DoorDash, UberEATS, and Foodora, there are a plethora of options to assist you in the acquisition of a Netflix bod – and all from the comfort of your home.
"We started with DoorDash because Foodora sounds like 'fedora' and that'll spoil anyone's appetite," Kelly explains. "We found we were falling into our old summer habits though, and ordering a lot of salad bowls and wraps."
However, she quickly found a solution: "Popeyes Chicken delivers, so that really kicked it into high gear. Popeyes is like what KFC would eat if it were high."
With many Canadians well on their way to the ideal Netflix bod they saw on Pinterest, they're gradually becoming more prepared to brave the harsh elements. They're also far happier than they were before.
"I think the best part is I haven't been to a GoodLife in weeks," says Shaun. "I can't figure out how to cancel my membership, though. I went in just like they said, but somehow I came out locked in for another year and also I had a new gym bag? Now I think of it like herpes. I made a mistake I'll have to carry with me forever, but I'm not letting it rule my life."
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