2017 Citroën Firepanther voted safest car to hit people with
PARIS, FRANCE—The National Highway Traffic Safety Administration (NHTSA) unanimously voted this morning that the all-new 2017 Citroën Firepanther is the safest vehicle with which to both run over and back over people, and the safest car with which to land on people after catching some major air off a huge jump.
Complete with dual exterior air-bags, the Firepanther's Nerf Bumper™ and Memory Foam Hood™ provide a hospitable striking surface ideal for making accidental contact with pedestrians while you're trying to change your satellite radio station with one hand and buckle your seatbelt with the other as you take a sharp left.
The Lubricated Aloe Strip Technology™ that runs across the center of the vehicle's hood helps cushion the chin of some jerk you purposely struck for taking his sweet time jaywalking while yakking on his goddamn phone even though it's your light as he glides elegantly over the car's body in one swift motion. Focus groups have likened the action to body boarding.
Even reversing over a pedestrian in a second attempt to cause him irreparable harm delivers a not entirely unpleasant experience, as the loofa-lined Exfoliation Axels™ scrubs his body from head to toe.
"We at Citroën are thrilled to accept this accolade," said Senior VP of Public Relations Hector Pierlot via press release. "The smile on my face is nearly as wide as the one that smug poser had when I put the pedal to the metal to run his ass over with the Firepanther's velvet radial tires because he was wearing a Dave Matthews Band t-shirt."
He added, "Dave Matthews Band fans are pretty unbearable people, so it's nice to be able to hit them with cars now."
Customer testimonials are so far overwhelmingly positive. Dom Edwards of Dorval, QC shares:
"I thought for sure that after I spilled hot coffee on my pants, let go of the wheel to frantically wipe them off and then swerved off the freeway and into a busy Home Depot parking lot, I'd have to pick a bunch of human teeth out of the front grill of my new car. But when I stepped out into the shopping cart return area I had crashed into, all the people who'd gotten tangled in my windshield area asked me to hit them again! It's times like these you're glad you splurged on optional Rear Door Beanbag Paneling™."
Over the course of the safety testing phase at Citroën's crash facility, Firepanther collisions with the retaining wall made of live humans yielded formidable results. Over 75% of people smashed into head-on by the Firepanther at 100km/h reported feeling like they were "hugged by like a magic alpaca or something."
The NHTSA also noted, however, that when it comes to passenger safety, the 2017 Citroën Firepanther is an "utter goddamn death-box."