Fight the first signs of aging: finding juice too sweet without water

Fine lines. Dark spots. Crow's feet. For years, health and beauty experts have been telling us these are the indications that we're beginning to get older. Well, that theory is about to get a huge wrinkle! Read on to discover the actual first signs of aging, and how to combat them.

SIGN: Finding juice too sweet without water

SYMPTOMS: The day you checked your carton of Minute Maid 100% Pure Apple Juice to see if there was any added sugar was the day the aging process was activated in your body. For every fluid ounce you use to dilute the juice you consume, you age yourself one year.

HOW TO TREAT: Go for a 5K sprint. You will be so thirsty afterwards, you will not care that liquid your body so desperately needs is housed in an impossibly sweet Dole juice box. Scientists agree: it is impossible to appear aged when holding a juice box.

SIGN: Crying during Tim Hortons commercials

SYMPTOMS: It is one thing to well up when you find out the dad was watching the son play hockey the whole time. It is entirely another to sob because another satisfied customer has purchased a Turkey Bacon Club.

HOW TO TREAT: Ask your own dad to point out your weakest characteristics so that you are crying before, during, and after the commercial. If you're crying the whole time you're watching television, then it wasn't specifically a beloved Canadian corporation that brought the tears on. Scientist agree: when you cry a lot you look like a baby, and babies are known to be super young.

SIGN: Observing that all noise is too loud

SYMPTOMS: You ask your server to move you to a quieter table. It isn't until you notice that there are no other patrons around you and your dinner guest that the realization hits: everywhere you go is too noisy. Sometimes there's not even any music playing.

HOW TO TREAT: Leave a vacuum on at all times in your home. You will not be able to converse without yelling, nor will you be able to sleep at all. You will yearn for bar sounds before long. Scientists agree: dark undereye circles make you look like a goth teen.

SIGN: Having to really think about it before you sit down

SYMPTOMS: You used be a carefree sitter, but the days of plopping down onto any old wooden stool are over, thanks to your unreliable knees. Unfortunately, every second spent gently easing yourself into the seat of a chair is a senior's discount wrongfully applied.

HOW TO TREAT: Don't sit. Ever. Stand all day and then go to bed at night. That's it. Scientists agree: standing is basically loitering, which rebellious youths do outside of convenience stores all the time.

SIGN: Reusing margarine containers instead of buying Tupperware

SYMPTOMS: "What's the harm of saving this Becel container?" you think to yourself. "I can keep leftovers in it!" Suddenly, your cupboards are overrun with identical containers, yet completely empty of food.

HOW TO TREAT: Buy butter; you cannot store anything in its foil. Scientist agree: butter wrappers look like golden tickets, and I think we all remember a special little boy named Charlie who had one of those.

SIGN: Googling "first signs of aging"

SYMPTOMS: You have 22 tabs open on your browser and they are all slight variations of the same query "first signs of aging."

HOW TO TREAT: First, Google "how to love yourself at any age." Next, smash your computer with a hammer. Scientists agree: anyone who wields a hammer with complete confidence in who they are looks like Thor, and Thor is immortal.

ADDITIONAL SIGNS:

Suggesting "Let's walk there!"

Responding with "That's crappy"

Crying when Toto's Africa is played

Starting your sentences with "Please" and ending them with "Thank you" exclusively when you're talking to your pet(s)

Crying when any protagonist achieves their goal

Crying when listeners call in and win radio contests

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