Delayed response excuses I'm frankly not sure I believe

1. Hi! Sorry for taking so long to return your email: I only check my inbox once every lunar cycle. When the rains come. The distant howling of the elderly teacup wolves reminds me to log on. Otherwise I forget.

2. Hey there, sorry for taking so long to return your email: my bad chest cold went to my spam folder while I was out of town.

3. Hello! Sorry for taking so long to get back to you. I had a family medical emergency. A very, extremely big one. Get this: every single person in my family except for me had a heart attack in unison. Yup, everyone from my infant son to my cool great-uncle Mort who collects broken bottles on the beach and makes rad glass jewellery. My tortoise triplets, also. I've been caregiving my face off. Thank you for understanding.

4. Hi, sorry for the delayed response. It's been a crazy busy fall. No, but like, busier than everyone else's fall? You know what I mean? Oh god, I started a new job, adopted seven kids, started my own business, got forty puppies, moved houses five times, and also found time to train for half-marathon plus I started two cooking shows and wrote a book about dating. I had 30 surgeries and also had to go out of town for a funeral every day. Then my basement exploded!

5. Hi, sorry for the delay! Your email got buried. Like, I printed it out, that's how important it was to me to reply to it promptly, and then I carried it around with me everywhere I went, but then a few weeks ago I was walking past a condo construction site and I accidentally dropped it into an enormous crater in the earth — get this  — just as the bulldozer was dropping a giant mound of soil into the hole. "WAIT!!" I screamed at the bulldozer driver as a frantically waved my arms at him. "My most prioritized email!!!" Unfortunately he just shrugged and kept on pouring dirt into that hole. RIP, your email.

6. Hello there! Sorry for what I understand you perceive as a delayed response, however, I don't really believe in, or adhere to, the human construct of time? I opted out of that repressive structure a good long bunch ago — can't really say how much of a bunch. Anyway, I'm apologizing for your benefit but I also need you to acknowledge that I sincerely acted in accordance with my beliefs.

7. Hi! I apologize for taking so long to respond — I was away. Like, on vacation. It didn't have computers, this place I went. Or the internet, or basic courtesy. They just don't have these things, so out of respect to the culture, I was forced to adopt the local customs. You emailed me eight months ago! Crazy! That's exactly how long I was away, away in this place that doesn't participate in 2018. Eight months. My work was happy to give me eight months off, just like most works. Anyway, it's nice to be back.

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