Conservative Party finding new leader 'not Skeletor-y enough'
OTTAWA, ON—Though Andrew Scheer was elected Conservative Party leader just last month, fellow party members are already criticizing the Saskatchewan MP for being "not Skeletor-y enough".
Skeletor, the skull-faced He-Man villain renowned for his obsession with conquering the universe and obliterating the forces of good that protect it, is the behavioural benchmark to which Conservatives hold all party leaders.
- RELATED: Andrew Scheer announces first act as leader will be to Google who he is
- RELATED: After careful consideration and his win, I am backing Andrew Scheer for Conservative Party leadership
"He's barely even Gargamel-y!" griped rival leadership hopeful Maxime Bernier. "Voting against a bill to protect transgender rights the way Scheer did is all well and good, but if you're gonna lead this party, you must relentlessly and mindlessly attack the weak."
In his victory speech, Scheer thanked his family, volunteers and former PM Stephen Harper. "I would have cackled towards the skies and condemned my defeated rivals' bones to char in the fiery lakes of Snake Mountain," Bernier continued, "You know, like a Conservative Party leader."
"Would it kill him to refer to the rest of the party as his henchmen?" added Kellie Leitch. "The big line from his speech was 'Sunny ways won't pay the bills'. I mean, how cute is that? When you're picked to lead the Tories, you say, 'My wrath has awoken and ye mortals shall prepare to face the awful consequences'. Then you point your amulet sceptre at an expendable aide and zap him or her into a grey paste – none of this Care Bears shit."
Bernier points out that Harper "went full Skeletor" when he scrapped plans for a national daycare program, became the only prime minister ever found in contempt of parliament – which Bernier describes as "hella Skeletor-y" – and ordered spying on environmental and Indigenous activists. So far, reports indicate Scheer hasn't even stolen some schoolchildren's ball and roofed it onto a super tall building.
"Just looking at Scheer, you can tell he isn't maleficent enough," Rona Ambrose said. "Harper: eyes of a cannibal; Joe Clark: a face only a fan of dead Muppets could love; Brian Mulroney: fathered Ben Mulroney; enough said. Scheer looks like the kind of guy who sticks around to clean the oil off the baby seals when a controversial pipeline we approved bursts. Makes me sick."
Still, the new leader isn't oblivious to the recent feedback. In a welcomed sign of atrocities to come, Scheer has vowed that if elected PM, he would appoint Beast Man as immigration minister. Additionally, a saddled purple panther, believed to be Scheer's, was spotted hitched up in the Parliament Hill parking lot.
Don't miss anything from CBC Comedy - like us on Facebook.