Comedy·GROSS

Chocolate-covered raisin in party mix can't wait to disappoint

“I live for the moment I’m somehow mixed in with a bowl of a bunch of chocolate-covered peanuts,” says the rotten grape.
(Shutterstock / Trum Ronnarong)

As you read these words, a chocolate-covered raisin is currently sitting in a bowl at a house party, waiting to be chomped down by a quickly disappointed partygoer.

Though folks at the get-together are still mingling and nobody is reaching into the snack bowl just yet, it is only a matter of time, especially with Daryn present at this shindig.

And the raisin can't wait.

"I'm like a magician; I'm all about misdirection," says the raisin, who also goes by Shrivel.

"You think you're getting a nice treat, a chocolate-covered nut, but in fact you're getting a very divisive food wrapped in the illusion of something nice. The look on people's faces when they realize they're eating a raisin… I mean you can't compete with that. You just can't."

Though the variety of the party mix at this party would seem to be the ideal situation for luring in and trapping snackers, Shrivel actually prefers a different scenario, which he has yet to experience.

"I live for the moment I'm somehow mixed in with a bowl of a bunch of chocolate-covered peanuts," says the rotten grape.

"To the untrained eye, we're basically identical. I'm a bit lumpier and just more visually unappealing, sure, but people are too hungry to really take a good look. So you get a ton of people falling for it."

"It would be such a fascinating study in expectations versus results, you know? Because when you think you're biting into a peanut (and why would you pick it up if you had even the slightest suspicion that it might be a raisin?), you want that crunch, that satisfying crunch."

"Of course you'll never get that crunch with me, only a disquieting smush. Unless I get very stale. In which case: ouch. I bypass 'nice lil' crunch' altogether, and go from 'biting into soft, first-stages-of-decomposing-garbage' to 'wood. Chocolate-enrobed wood'."

And with that, the raisin went back to watching and waiting for that one overly eager snacker to be greeted with an all-too-soft surprise, but not before adding one final thought.

"I shouldn't have said that about the lumpiness earlier. That's probably some of my trademark pessimism slipping in there; we probably mostly look the same. I really have to work on that. Perhaps negative self-talk is my own chocolate-covered raisin after all."

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ABOUT THE AUTHOR

Jeremy has been a staff writer for This Hour Has 22 Minutes, performed stand-up comedy at the Just For Laughs and Winnipeg Comedy Festivals, and co-created/stars in the popular video series The Urbane Explorer/Finding Bessarion. A 3x Canadian Comedy Award–winner and published humour columnist, he also wrote your favourite joke, the one about the fish trying to get a job at a bank.