Celine Dion to world: 'It took 30 years, but I'm very cool now'

PARIS, FRANCE—The summer of 2017 may be historically remembered as the beginnings of World War III, as well as for the atrocity called Despacito. But more than anything, summer 2017 will be remembered as the summer Celine Dion allegedly, inexplicably, became cool.

It was the transformation no one saw coming: how did the woman who once wore a white, backwards tuxedo to The Oscars come to be endorsed by Vogue magazine as a style icon? This was just one of the many burning questions asked at Dion's press conference at The Ritz this morning, in which she addressed the matter of her sudden, confounding coolness.

"No one ever told me I wasn't cool," Dion explained. "René always said that I was the coolest. I believed him."

Many attribute Dion's fresh new style to experiencing a personal renaissance since the passing of her late husband and manager René Angelil. From the beginning, Angelil ruled Dion's career with an iron fist. Now, that iron fist is a gold hand. Literally. Backstage in Las Vegas, Dion keeps a golden cast of Angelil's hand and makes all involved in her show hold it before taking the stage. Yes, Dion is finally free — free as a bird tied to a gold hand. At the press conference, she adamantly denied rumours that it's in fact the hand that has been putting together her recent ensembles.

Whether Dion's new sartorial identity is a result of freedom, a gold hand, or the wizardry of her new stylist, it exists and that's all that matters — though it does remain shocking. Who could have imagined the day would come when Dion, a woman who at 22 years old already looked like she was a 49-year-old soccer mom, would be asked to share her fashion expertise with the designers of Dior's latest collection.  

"I loved it! The hats! Masculine. But with a touch of silk, to feminize everything. No matter what the woman wears — platforms, high heels — despite her husband's jacket, and living in a man's man's man's world, she will always be female," said Dion in typically discombobulated speech.

When asked what diet she's on that allows her to remain so thin, the My Heart Will Go On hitmaker had only one word: "Styrofoam."

The nutritional value of Styrofoam aside, if Dion has taught the world anything this summer, it's that while money can't buy style, it can buy you a gigantic Ralph & Russo hat. And that's the way it is.

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