After the Maple Leafs' hot start, I have already scheduled the Stanley Cup parade in a bike lane, by John Tory

By John Tory

How about those hockey players, huh?

Boy howdy boogaloo, what a bunch of athletes.

Just tremendous.

I don't know if you've been watching, but our Toronto Maple Leaves [sic] have been on fire. They're 4-1-0 to "kick off" the year's season, and I don't think there's anybody who doesn't think that our boys in the blue and white have a true chance to take the chalice of Stanley home to Hogtown.

In fact, I myself am so confident of this fact that I have already asked my assistant's secretary to book the parade through the streets of Toronto, specifically the bike lane.

This is going to be a wonderful bash, friends. And it's going to make it really hard on those pesky bikes.

Though I reserve the right to change its course, the parade is, at present, set to begin at Bathurst and Adelaide. It will move east, using all of the bike lane, along with as much of the actual street as is needed.

At Sherbourne we will take a wide turn left, moving north and plunging deep into the bike lane to the great excitement of the cheering crowds.

I can't actually remember which side of the street has the bike lane on Sherbourne. I don't spend much time there. Why would I ever spend time on Sherbourne? I love it, of course, in theory, as the mayor of the city. But in practice? Why would I go? But of course I'll be going when we celebrate the Leaves and trundle down the lanes, cyclists diving hither and yon out of our way!

(Is it both lanes? It can't possibly be both lanes. How would that be inconvenient? But if it's the left we'll drive on the wrong side of the road. Simple as that.)

I know there are millions of fans of the Leaves all over the GTA, and I wish the route could be longer so we could see them all, I really do!

However, the facts are that our number of bike lanes is small, which is wonderful most of the time but in this case limits the length of a parade that is guaranteed to be intruding in said lanes at all times.

I'm so proud of Austin Matthews [sic], Mitch Mariner [sic], Doug Gillmour [sic sic], and Jose Bautista [???]. They have done well for the city, and they will bring us glory throughout the rest of the season; of that there is no doubt.

Most important of all, they have given us an excuse to charge down the bike lanes, destroying everything in our path.

I have also requested the wheels of the vehicles be equipped with spikes.

So thank you, you Leaves. We are proud of you, we pay attention to sport and gamesmanship at all times here at the Mayor's office, and know that we will stand tall with you when we show those who believe they can wantonly cycle in the place given to them to cycle on Wellesley Street East who's really boss!

It's me. The Mayor. And of course the coach of the Maple Trees, Gene Tenace I believe.

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