Toronto Sun launches investigation into cyclists viciously attacking open car doors
TORONTO, ON—With the return of spring weather comes the return of cycling season.
And with that comes the return of an epidemic of cycling-related injuries, but the Toronto Sun is on the case.
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For the entire summer, editors will devote a substantial section of their paper to the outrageous and criminal phenomenon of cyclists intentionally slamming themselves into car doors as part of the "War on the Car."
The paper will get to the bottom of these malicious actions, says columnist Joe Warmington.
"In my years of scrawling in the night, I've wondered why, during the day, cyclists are deciding to actively find cars that have their doors open, and how they are able to zero in on that door for an attack in a matter of seconds," he wrote. "By the end of this summer I think we'll know."
"They're getting smart. They're riding in bike lanes because they know the cars will be parked there, so they can get to them in a matter of moments once that car door gets opened," writes Lorrie Goldstein. "They are often going at a high speed, because that will be the best way to really do a number on the car, you know, really knock it off its hinges."
"The scary thing is they must be very dedicated to the cause, because they get gravely injured in the event as well. But they insist on doing it. Very, very confusing."
At press time, the newspaper was also considering looking into why Canadians who claim to dislike climate change have been brazenly seen on the beach during the summer months.
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