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The Dose Transcript for January 4, 2024

Host: Brian Goldman

BRIAN GOLDMAN: Hi, I'm Dr. Brian Goldman. Welcome to The Dose. Well, every year, people around the world ring in the new year promising to live healthier and better lives. Stop me when you've heard this before. We resolve to quit smoking, Go to the gym more, get more sleep, reduce our stress, countless other affirmations that people come up with. But, and this is an important but, new year's resolutions often fail. So this week, we're asking, how can we stick to our new year's resolutions better and smarter? Hi, Taslim. Welcome to The Dose.

TASLIM ALANI-VERJEE: Thank you for having me, Brian.

BRIAN GOLDMAN: Have you ever made a new year's resolution?

TASLIM ALANI-VERJEE: I think almost every year, I resolve to be more organized. Every year, I fail.

BRIAN GOLDMAN: It's like the zookeeper's kids, don't have very good shoes. So do you practice what you preach or do you tell people and sometimes have trouble doing it yourself?

TASLIM ALANI-VERJEE: You know, I think it kind of depends on the goal. But new year's resolutions are a pretty great time to start thinking about what we want for the future. So I try to do a little bit of that with the recognition that sometimes, it's going to work out and sometimes, it won't.

BRIAN GOLDMAN: You know what, that's probably the best advice of all. But before we begin our conversation and receive your wisdom, can you give us a hi, my name is? Tell us what you do and where you do it. Just adlib.

TASLIM ALANI-VERJEE: Yeah, absolutely. So my name is Taslim Alani-Verjee. I am a clinical psychologist practicing out of Toronto, Ontario, Canada.

BRIAN GOLDMAN: Some of what we're going to talk about is counterintuitive, and we're doing that on purpose because that's The Dose. What are some of the most unrealistic new year's resolutions you've heard people make?

TASLIM ALANI-VERJEE: Things like shifting their whole life around, trying new patterns that they've never done before and assuming they're going to be able to do it every day. Things like wanting to lose £100 without wanting to actually change anything about their lifestyle, wanting to save money while also wanting to travel and have more fun, things like that.

BRIAN GOLDMAN: As a clinical psychologist, you're into the here and now and trying to get, you know, get people to change their own behaviour. But do you ever ask them why they've, you know, why they've been so grandiose in their and unrealistic in their new year's resolutions?

TASLIM ALANI-VERJEE: I think that that has to be part of the conversation, right? I mean, all of us to some extent want to change. And when we are fed up with our current state, we're likely to be more grandiose about the change we want to see. And so I think the more frustrated or stuck we're feeling, the more likely we are to make very grand plans about what we want the next year to look like.

BRIAN GOLDMAN: Okay. So what are some of the biggest mistakes that people make with their new year's resolutions? We've already talked about one, and that's wanting to make a giant change without necessarily going through the grunt work of making it happen. What are some of the other mistakes that people make?

TASLIM ALANI-VERJEE: I think when we make our goals about outcomes rather than process, we're more likely to set ourselves up for failure. So what I mean by that is, for example, saying that one wants to lose, you know, 50 or £100 or, you know, one wants to get to that promotion. Those are things that aren't always in our control. And if we're not seeing the change the way we expected to, we're much more likely to be discouraged. So instead, when we can focus on process, for example, eating more healthily and defining that, or going to the gym more and defining that, or making more tangible and measurable goals in the workplace, those are things that will help us get to that overall goal. But it's more about the process and the small steps rather than just achieving this thing that is often quite out of our control.

BRIAN GOLDMAN: So that's a really important point. Take care of the process and the outcomes will take care of themselves.

TASLIM ALANI-VERJEE: Yes. Hopefully, right? And it might not always be the outcome that we're looking for, but at least we know that we put in the work to get there.

BRIAN GOLDMAN: How likely are you to succeed if you have multiple resolutions at the same time?

TASLIM ALANI-VERJEE: As long as they are at least somewhat reasonable, the number of goals isn't that important. It's actually quite helpful to have several goals because then even if one goal is not working, we might still be able to feel that kind of gratification and a sense of fulfilment by the other goals that we continue to be able to work towards.

BRIAN GOLDMAN: That's interesting. I thought you were going to say if you have multiple goals, that they're all going to fail, that having one is better than having a bunch. But you've just given me a compelling reason why having multiple goals is better. So that's why we're talking to you.

TASLIM ALANI-VERJEE: So I think part of it depends on a person's mindset, right? So many people are all or nothing in nature. I mean, if we talk to anyone who's ever started a diet and by day three, that diet is done, that all or nothing mindset really does come into play. So if something doesn't work out and then our response is, well, I guess it's just not going to work out altogether, an individual may be more likely to then stop all of their goals altogether. However, if the goals feel separate enough, even if one goal is not working the way we thought it would, it doesn't necessarily mean that all goals have to be sacrificed. So it really does depend on how a person perceives their own ability to achieve those goals. I would say, Brian, and I think this is maybe where your mind was at, that if we have too many goals, if we're trying to make too many changes at once, this is likely to be overwhelming and unsustainable. But, you know, smaller goals with a plan, that doesn't necessarily have to be overwhelming.

BRIAN GOLDMAN: Got it. How long do people tend to stick with their resolutions?

TASLIM ALANI-VERJEE: So I think research would tell us that for most folks, by about a month in, they're not doing it anymore. I think actually, research would tell us, you know, about 25% of people have stopped by week one. And about 50 people, 50% of people, by first month, they're no longer working towards their goals.

BRIAN GOLDMAN: And what makes people lose momentum?

TASLIM ALANI-VERJEE: Yeah. So I think that all or nothing nature of our human psyche can often get in the way, right? If we have resolved to go to the gym every single day and one day, we slept in, we may be more likely to think that now we've failed in our goal, so there's no sense in continuing to try. So I think that's one of them. I think the other is that often, we're making goals that we actually aren't that motivated to do in a long term way, right? So things like waking up at 6 in the morning to go to the gym, I hear so many people talk about this, this giant motivation, January 1^st, to start going to the gym first thing in the morning and suddenly becoming a morning person. If you like your sleep, you're not going to want to wake up at 6 in the morning. And so even though there's a part of you that does feel motivated, there is a greater part of you that would prefer to stay in bed. And so when we are making new year's resolutions or really any goals that don't consider where our larger priority or motivation is, it is going to be unsustainable.

BRIAN GOLDMAN: Got it. Let's start talking about how to make resolutions more likely to stick. Let me turn it around, what we've just been talking about. How long does it take for a new year's resolution like quitting smoking or working out more to become second nature?

TASLIM ALANI-VERJEE: The longer we can sustain it, the more likely we are going to feel committed to it. But I think the other piece of this is how often are we able to pivot in the face of an obstacle or a roadblock? So rather than looking at it in terms of number of days or number of times we repeat a behaviour, it's were we able to still continue to commit even after, for example, we got sick and weren't able to do it for a week? Or were you able to go to that workplace dinner and, you know, eat that potentially unhealthy meal and still feel resolved to continue with that healthy meal goal the next day? Whatever those things are, it's more so about mindset and commitment to getting back to it in the face of a roadblock.

BRIAN GOLDMAN: And, you know, it's interesting. Now I can reflect on my own. You know, one resolution that I made, it wasn't… was it really a resolution? I don’t even remember. I've been jogging now for half a century. I just wanted to have a long, dramatic pause after that. It's a long time. I'm very proud of myself for having done that. I started in 1973. I think Nixon was still president at the time, and I've been jogging ever since. But even now, this fall, I got COVID and I was advised not to run, you know, not to stress my cardiovascular system while I had an acute viral illness, significant one. And I could feel myself, you know, I could hear that part of me saying, I'm not running, therefore I'm bad, or I'm not running and I'm not taking care of myself. And it certainly motivated me to get back to it. But the self-talk that you do that day that you missed because you're sick is really important, isn't it?

TASLIM ALANI-VERJEE: Absolutely. And Brian, I think that that's a fantastic point because when we are making our goals out of like guilt or shame, then it is going to be harder to sustain it, right? So this idea that if we don't do it, we're bad or we're not fulfilling a commitment or we're disappointing ourselves or others, when we have those kinds of feelings, we're actually more likely to then need to do another unhelpful behaviour in order to resolve that feeling or in order to norm that feeling, I should say. And so that is actually why things like diets don't last, because we miss a day or we make what we consider a poor decision in our diet, we feel awful. And for many of us, the first thing we do when we feel awful is we look to food that's going to be comforting to us. Same with alcohol, same with substances. And so when we can instead say, you know what, I'm making these decisions because I know they're good for me and when I'm sick, I know the decision that's good for me is to rest, then it becomes about self-care, then it becomes about our entire selves as opposed to the behaviour and commitment of running or jogging.

BRIAN GOLDMAN: How else can you disconnect shame from missing a health goal? Because it sounds like that's a really important thing you have to do, because there's a pivotal moment when you're either going to continue in spite of the obstacles, as you've just said, or you won't, or you’re going to quit.

TASLIM ALANI-VERJEE: So I think part of this is about recognizing what motivates us. So, you know, Brian, you shared you've been jogging for a really long time now. You know, I have been starting going to the gym as a new year's resolution, and I've had that resolution for many, many years. But it was only this year that I was actually able to sustain that for the entire year. And I think part of it is figuring out what motivates us. And so is the motivation, you know, some sort of external validation or gratification? Or is it coming from some sort of internal need that we have? And when it comes from an internal need, not because we're missing something or because we're bad or because everyone else around us is telling us that we need to do it, but because we know it's something we need for ourselves, then we're way less likely to shame ourselves and to guilt ourselves. And rather to say this is something that's important to me. And yeah, I missed a day or I missed a week because I was sick, but this is still important to me. And so I still want to continue with this goal, even though I wasn't able to do it for X, Y or Z reason.

BRIAN GOLDMAN: So I'll share with you. I'll share with our listeners that my internal motivation to get back to running after a viral illness is that I will feel better. I will. I'll have that, you know, that burn, you know, that sense of calm well-being. I will have less stress. I will have gotten rid of stress. I'll think better. My memory will be better. There's a whole bunch of… so I'm actually putting a lot of leverage on getting back to running, and that's one of the reasons why I'm able to get back to running. I could be a coach too, couldn’t I?

TASLIM ALANI-VERJEE: Yeah. I mean, it sounds like you could be, Brian. You know, I think this is it, right? When it's not about the run, it's about how you feel after the run, it becomes more about process than it does outcome. Whether you do the run or not, that is a secondary issue to how you're trying to feel and the process you know you need to do in order to get there. And so if you were trying to run while you were sick with the viral illness, the run probably wouldn't have given you that same kind of outcome. It probably would have made you feel worse. And that tells me that you're actually honouring your body or honouring your mind by, you know, checking in with yourself around what does my body need right now, what does my mind need right now in order for me to actually feel well?

BRIAN GOLDMAN: How should people craft their goals to make sure they actually stick? I'm assuming that there's something in the crafting that's important.

TASLIM ALANI-VERJEE: I would say before we start to make our goals, it's helpful to think about what we want our year to look like. And usually, people kind of just jump on to the same, you know, wellness resolutions around diet, losing weight, you know, sometimes around money, family, stress, substances. But if we stop before kind of just reusing and recycling those goals to ask ourselves, what do I want this year to look like and why, that will help us be more intentional about the changes we want to create. It might not actually be about saving more money. It might actually be about changing our focus and being more grateful for the things that we have. It might not be about actually reducing the alcohol. It might be around being more present in the connections or sitting with our feelings more. Whatever those things are, when we can figure out the why, it then helps us craft goals that actually align with the greater goal of what we want our year or our future to look like.

BRIAN GOLDMAN: Some of the people listening to us will come up with the same new year's resolutions year after year after year. So what's your advice to them, people who are looking to repeat last year's resolutions?

TASLIM ALANI-VERJEE: Yeah. I mean, look, if you are motivated and you feel committed right now, there is nothing wrong with going for it. So if you're going to go for it, there are a couple of things that we can try to do. So we can try to make our goals as specific, measurable, achievable, realistic and timely as possible. So those are smart goals. I really don't love talking about smart goals. They kind of feel, I don't know, a little bit cheesy and simplistic sometimes. But the thing to remember about the smart goal is that we want our goals to be specific. If your goal is, for example, to, you know, have a healthier diet, define what healthier diet means. Define how many meals you want to do that for, how many meals you don't want to do that for, how will you know when you have a healthy diet. And then to also think about what will happen when you're presented with a meal that doesn't follow the system you've created for yourself. So that is going back to that planning around the roadblocks and the obstacles.

BRIAN GOLDMAN: Everything's easier with a buddy. You know, it's funny, I've been a solitary jogger most of my running life, and so there's a lot of internal motivation there. But I am told that everything is easier with a buddy. So who are the people in our lives that we should lean on to help us stick to our resolutions?

TASLIM ALANI-VERJEE: So I like to talk about and I usually talk about this within the context of our internal voice. But if we're thinking about a buddy to do a resolution with, we want a buddy that is as committed or more committed to the goal so that if we're having a hard time staying committed, that person is going to hopefully help us feel motivated in order to continue, but also not in a way that makes us feel shamed or judged. Because, again, that shame and that judge coming from someone else is going to make it quite hard for us to then feel safe and supported by that buddy. So someone who you know will be a cheerleader, not an angry coach.

BRIAN GOLDMAN: And, you know, in the spirit of peer counselling, this is somebody who's a little further ahead on the commitment scale than us. Because by definition, if you have two buddies that are starting out with a resolution for the first time, it's possible that each one doesn't want to be with the other because they perceive the other as not being someone who can help pull us up, you know, when they falter. So is that a conundrum when you're choosing a buddy?

TASLIM ALANI-VERJEE: It depends on what the goal is, right? So if we need someone who is more skilled than we are to help us with the problem solving or the roadblocks, then sure. But we can actually then have a few different buddies, right? So if we think about, for example, someone who is looking to decrease their substance use, it might be helpful to have someone who has that history of decreasing substance use be someone we can call on when we experience those roadblocks, but we can still have our day to day buddy who is on exactly the same journey we are. And so we can rely on our diverse support system because it might also just be easier and therefore more accessible to find someone who is starting at the same point we are, and we don't want that to be a roadblock or something that discourages us from starting.

BRIAN GOLDMAN: Do you ever recommend against a particular new year's resolution, either the type of resolution or perhaps the timing in that person's life?

TASLIM ALANI-VERJEE: Mm hmm. Absolutely. I am generally not one to explicitly tell someone that it's a bad idea, but I will kind of highlight some of the other patterns that I've seen in a person's life. So, for example, if I have been working with a client to try to encourage them to be more generous and compassionate with themselves and to perhaps be more comfortable spending more on themselves, and then they tell me that they have a new year's resolution of spending more and giving more to others, that might be something that I'll highlight for them to talk about where this resolution is coming from in the context of what we have been working towards in therapy. Or, for example, if we've been working towards body acceptance and neutrality, and then they tell me that they have a goal of losing £20 this year, I'll talk to them about where that comes from, given the work that we're doing together. And that doesn't mean they can't or they shouldn't or it's bad, but rather how does this fit with their larger goals that they've been working towards?

BRIAN GOLDMAN: Can you give me a for instance?

TASLIM ALANI-VERJEE: Yeah. So, for example, let's go back to that idea of, you know, if in therapy, we're working towards body neutrality and body acceptance, so I'm working with a client who has been quite harsh with themselves around their physical appearance, and that's something that we're working towards in therapy, and then they're telling me that they want to lose £20 this year, then we'll have a conversation around why the £20, why now, whether this is coming from that place inside them that shames what they look like or that feels that others don't love them as much because of what they look like. Or perhaps it comes because, you know, their family doctor told them that in order to decrease the risks of cardiovascular disease, they need to lose £20. And so we can talk about, okay, even if you have this goal and it's one that makes sense for you, how can you still have this goal and still maintain this other part that feels contradictory, like the body acceptance, but it doesn't have to be contradictory? How can we both accept that our bodies are the way that they are and they are okay the way that they are and we want to lose weight at the same time?

BRIAN GOLDMAN: Last question I wanted to ask you, and it takes us back to the idea of repeating last year's or a previous year's new year's resolution. I've read many studies that have suggested that success in ultimately quitting smoking has something to do with how many times you've tried, which is really… it sounds paradoxical, but, you know, the most recent studies is that people might take as many as 25 to 30 times to try to quit before they ultimately succeed at quitting. So what's that all about?

TASLIM ALANI-VERJEE: Yeah. So I think this goes back to process, right? So whether a person is trying to quit smoking or trying some sort of other behavioural change at the beginning of the year, one would hope that it's not just the resolution that's showing up again, but rather that maybe this time, you're realizing that something didn't work last time and you've problem solved to figure out how it's going to work differently this time. If it's going to be more likely to succeed, it will require a bit of processing around why it didn't work last time and what we want to see different this time, how we're going to do it differently, how we're going to plan differently, how we're going to resolve those roadblocks differently.

BRIAN GOLDMAN: Well, I had resolved to have a new and different and intriguing conversation on new year's resolutions, and you certainly fit the bill. So thank you very much for sharing your wisdom with us on The Dose.

TASLIM ALANI-VERJEE: Thank you so much for having me, Brian.

BRIAN GOLDMAN: Taslim Alani-Verjee is a clinical psychologist and the founder and director of the Slim Centre for Mental Health in North York. Here's your dose of smart advice. Many people make new year's health resolutions. Here are some reasons why they tend to fail. First, we may choose lofty goals because they sound dramatic. These aren't achievable because we're asking too much of ourselves and because we fail to consider the many baby steps that are necessary to change something big. We think all or nothing. In other words, when we don't achieve a huge goal, we tell ourselves we’ve failed. A second reason why new year's resolutions fail is that sometimes, we make them to please or satisfy others and not us. That leads us to a third factor. Addressing a health habit requires a long term commitment. To make that kind of a shift, you have to decide that the discomfort of sticking with the status quo is greater than adopting a healthier habit. Here's some advice on how to increase the likelihood of success. First, start with smaller and more realistic goals. If you want to lose 10 kilos, begin by setting the goal of losing, say, one kilo over the first month or even two months. When you achieve that goal, pat yourself on the back and set a new goal. Same with exercise. If you plan on starting to jog, begin by walking a small amount each day and built from there. Second, focus more on the process of carrying out the resolution than on the outcome. Third, anticipate the inevitable obstacles that might keep you from sticking with the plan. For instance, it's not uncommon to break some healthy food habits while on vacation or to stop exercising when you're sick with a virus. An all or nothing attitude at that particular moment might induce you to quit that healthy behaviour altogether. Instead, plan how to deal with potential setbacks. Remind yourself that you did well up to the setback and how good you'll feel when you get back on track. Fourth, mark your progress. Put an X on the calendar each time you go to the gym. That visual reminder will encourage you to do it again and again until going to the gym is an ingrained habit. Fifth, recruit a buddy who has at least as much, if not a bit more commitment than you to carry on. It's okay to have several new year's resolutions at once, in part because having more than one increases the likelihood that at least one of them will stick. Just don't overwhelm yourself with too many changes at once. A recent study found that smokers who managed to quit try an average of 30 times before they succeed. What that study tells us is that when it comes to breaking unhealthy habits, persistence pays off. Finally, be your own support group. Congratulate yourself on achieving goals. Cut yourself some slack for slip ups. Practice self-compassion. If you have topics you'd like discussed or questions answered, our email address is thedose@cbc.ca. If you like this episode, please give us a rating and review wherever you listen. This edition of The Dose was produced by Sameer Chhabra and Isabelle Gallant. Our senior producer is Colleen Ross. The Dose wants you to be better informed about your health. If you're looking for medical advice, see your health care provider. I'm Dr. Brian Goldman. Until your next dose.

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How can I stick to my new year's resolutions better? - Transcript

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