Good morning.

OK, talking about sex first thing in the morning. Here we go.

WOO

(Laughs) So.

It's my favourite topic, so I'm very excited about this.

(Laughs) Is it your favourite topic?

It is.

Why's that?

Because it's just so rich and diverse and it can mean a bunch of different things to a bunch of different people.

Sure can. And dating when you have a disability is obviously going to be a topic that you you know well and maybe people don't know a lot about. So is that what made you want to take it on?

Well, a lot of people think that people with disabilities don't date. I give speeches on sex and disability, and one of the things that I ask is everybody close their eyes and then raise their hand, and who thinks people with disabilities don't want sex? And inevitably, there's at least three people who raise their hand.
So like, there are people in this world who think disabled people aren't sexual, and that's because we're viewed very often we're infantilized or treated like children or thought of as children in adult bodies. And some people with disabilities may not want sex, but that's not due to their disability. That's due to the fact that two per cent of the world identifies as asexual. Those two don't correlate.

Do you find in conversations around this, which may be rare and and full of misunderstanding, that people do dance around the topic?

Oh, oh yeah, they they don't want to talk about it, you know, because in our society we don't, we're very puritanical. We don't talk about sex. We get it's all around us, but nobody talks about it.

So what do you want to say to people before we listen to this episode about disability and sex?

It's very, it's little dark, and I apologize for that, but this topic is very difficult. It's very nuanced and they only gave me five minutes, so I tried to make it as funny as possible, but it it doesn't get a little dark, so just be prepared for that.

I appreciate the heads up and also very much the series that you've brought us. Vicki, so good to see you this morning.

Good to see you too, Portia.

I'll be honest, when I started this particular piece, I wasn't sure where to go with it because I wanted to talk positively and be funny and educational and informative.
Unfortunately, the topic I have to talk to you about today is not particularly fun.
Online dating is particularly difficult and fraught with its own level of sexist or dehumanizing garbage.
When you add disability on top of that, it only gets worse.

The stories I'm about to tell you sound completely ridiculous, but I swear on my public reputation that they are 100 per cent true. So let's get started.

First up is our category of curious men.
These are men that, instead of introducing themselves like a normal human being, immediately jump to the question if I'm able to have sex.

That's right. No. Hi, how are you? My name is so and so. Tell me a little bit about yourself.
Just, are you capable of sex?

Now if I'm feeling generous and like I have the energy, I say something like "yes, I can, but not with you."

I do this because I am worried that if I don't answer, they're just going to keep asking insensitive questions to someone else. And I don't want to put someone else through that. Most of the time, though, I just ignore it and give no response.

Secondly, there's a group of men who have some sort of fetish for people with disabilities.
Now, I don't want to kink-shame anybody, but this is completely dehumanizing and makes me feel extremely uncomfortable. I don't want my disability to factor into my desirability either way, even though I know it does in the grand scheme of things.

If I hear one more person say something like I've always wanted to do a disabled chick, I think I might go insane.

Then there are men that I turn down for hookups, because it's not really my thing.
I don't have anything against people who want to do that sort of thing. I just thought I'd tried it and it's not for me.

Then when I say no, they say something like fine, I was doing you a favour, like I'm some sort of charity project.

This last story I have for you is probably the most baffling of all. Just to reiterate, this story is 100 per cent true.
I once had a dude offer me $500 to have sex with the chair, not with me: with the chair.

I thought: how's that going to be accomplished? I have no idea. Looking back on it now, I kind of want to know just for curiosity sake. I was so baffled that I didn't really know what to say. This is the kind of landscape I have to negotiate every time I go on a dating site.

Don't get me wrong, I've had conversations with some very nice men, but I have to be prepared to deal with this kind of creepy, ableist fetishization along with it.

Not to mention the bane of every woman's existence: unsolicited pics of a certain part of the anatomy. I understand you're very proud of your sex organs, and I'm glad you feel confident in your body. However, sending these things without asking is sexual harassment. My rule is if you wouldn't do it in public, don't do it on the internet.