Supporting junior high students with school-based anxiety: tips from an expert
Clare MacKenzie | CBC News | Posted: October 1, 2022 10:00 AM | Last Updated: October 1, 2022
'This happy, chatty little kid... is now this 14-year-old hermit living in a room'
This is part two of a three-part series on supporting kids who have school-based anxiety. Part two deals with junior high school students. At the end of the story, you'll find a link to part one, focusing on elementary school children.
School-based anxiety can be a challenge for students at any age. But in junior high, when kids are trying to sort out their identities and solve problems for themselves, it can be especially hard for parents and caregivers to know what to say and how to help.
Junior high students express their anxiety as anger, frustration, fear, and sometimes silence — and they don't want to talk to the the adults in their lives about what's causing it, said Dr. Brent Macdonald, lead psychologist at Macdonald Psychology Group.
"They go to their room, they sit there and they kind of try to come up with strategies themselves," he said. "They're just learning how to sort of identify good solutions to solve their own problems without parental involvement.
"It concerns us as parents because this happy, chatty little kid that we had growing up is now this 14-year-old hermit living in a room."
Macdonald said kids that age often simply aren't able to sort out the problem themselves and go to their parent or caregiver for guidance — but only if an open line of communication has already been established.
"They will come and see you… as long as you've had that open relationship with them where it's not …'Just suck it up' or, 'Why is that a problem?'"
Tread carefully
When junior high school kids do talk to their parents about what's making them anxious, the way in which grown-ups respond and discuss the problems is critical, said Macdonald.
It can be particularly difficult when the kids are exploring things that make the adults in their lives uncomfortable.
Judgment just has that emotional context that makes us feel 'less than.' — Dr. Brent Macdonald
"We have a tough time sometimes hiding that discomfort and it comes off as being judgmental," he said.
If adults act in a judgmental way at a time when their child is trying to sort out their identity, "that's going to cut off the communication," said Macdonald. "It's going to make it almost impossible to have conversations and interactions and develop a relationship with your kid.
"Judgment just has that emotional context that makes us feel 'less than.'"
If a child in this age group is exploring harmful things — such as substance abuse or risky sexual behaviours — the adults in their lives obviously must get more involved and take a firm stand, Macdonald said.
But otherwise, if it's not harmful — something like not choosing the best friends — let them try to sort it out for themselves, or come to you for advice.
"If you say, 'You can't hang out with that person.' It isn't going to do anything to help them with their social relationships," said Macdonald.
Resist the urge to 'therapize'
It's important for adults not to "therapize" their adolescent children, said Macdonald. It's intimidating for the kid, and it doesn't help.
"When I say 'therapizing,' what I mean is we don't want as parents to be sitting in the room having these hour-long conversations about emotions, particularly if it's anxiety, because that could actually make it kind of worse… They're getting a lot of attention and affection about an emotion for which they are trying to learn their own sense of control. "
Instead of long and heavy conversations in their bedrooms, Macdonald suggests looking for opportunities to talk in less intimidating scenarios. In particular, he suggests going for a drive together.
"You can learn a lot from kids, particularly adolescents, when you're driving, because there's a radio on or there's music going and they can look out the window," said Macdonald. "There's no need for eye contact."
Another opportunity he suggests is when you're making a meal and the child is hanging around nearby.
What to say
Once you're in the car or the kitchen, Macdonald said it's important to avoid some questions because at that age, you can almost guarantee the answers:
"We have to get past the 'How was school today?' … Because the answer is going to be 'Fine.' 'What did you do?' 'Nothing.'"
Open-ended questions are much better conversation starters.
"Say, 'Tell me something interesting that happened at school, tell me something funny that happened at school today.'"
While parents and caregivers often feel uncomfortable stepping back and letting the child first try to sort things out for themselves, Macdonald pointed out that it's an important part of growing up.
"We try to be problem solvers, and that's not our job all the time with adolescents."
This is the second part in a three-part series on supporting kids with school-based anxiety. You can find part one here. Next week, in part three, Dr. Brent Macdonald will offer advice for helping high school students.