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The AIH Transcript For December 21, 2021

[hosts]Carol Off, Chris Howden[/hosts]

CAROL OFF: Hello, I'm Carol Off.

CHRIS HOWDEN: Good evening, I'm Chris Howden, this is As It Happens.

[music: theme]

Prologue

CH: Tonight:

CO: They're not getting a fair shot. New research suggests that some vaccines are better than others at combating Omicron -- and our guest says it's no coincidence that the world's least affluent countries were stuck with the ineffective ones.

CH: It's all been said in dung. We reach a geologist who says the ancient sheep feces found at the bottom of a lake in the Faroe Islands is proof that people were living there hundreds of years before the Vikings arrived.

CO: There's no magic to it. A lawyer in Edinburgh explains why she's pressing the Scottish parliament to issue legal pardons to thousands of women convicted of witchcraft centuries ago -- and often burned at the stake.

CH: Fight club. We remember pioneering hip hop artist Kangol Kid of UTFO, whose song "Roxanne, Roxanne" spawned dozens of answer records, and at least one ongoing beef -- which in turn kickstarted its own rap tradition.

CO: The best blade plans. Tonight's holiday reading transports us to the Prairies in the 1930s -- where a boy named Brian O'Connal gives his terrible new skates an icy reception.

CH: And… putting the "edgy" in "elegy". A New York man says his late mother had respect and reverence for pretty much nothing -- which inspired his hilarious viral obituary for the "plus-sized Jewish lady redneck" he loved.

CH: As It Happens, the Monday edition radio that keeps reading it over and over by force of obit.

[music: theme]

Part 1: NS Omicron Strang, Bill 21: Andre Pratte, UK Island Monarch

NS Omicron Strang

Guest: Robert Strang

CH: What a difference a week makes. Nova Scotia was the envy of the country when it came to rapid testing for COVID-19. Now, the province is sending out a very different message. Like most jurisdictions dealing with a spike in Omicron cases, it's putting new restrictions are coming into effect. And officials are rolling back the distribution of rapid tests -- hundreds of thousands of which were given out at public libraries last week. Robert Strang is Nova Scotia's chief medical officer of health. We reached him in Halifax.

CO: Dr. Strang, what's most on your mind as you see Nova Scotia COVID numbers reach new records?

ROBERT STRANG: It really is that we're in… we're at a critical point, and the next few weeks are going to be really important. And we're… you know, we've yet again today asking Nova Scotians to accept further restrictions and to take the responsibility for all… for each Nova Scotian to really be extremely careful of… of the actions that we take and how many people we're around and under what circumstances.

CO: You know that people in other provinces across the country have watched in Nova Scotia -- quite often with envy -- as to how you have been able to control the rise of the… of the infection. And very impressed. We spoke with your chief librarian in Halifax, who was part of this distribution of rapid tests. That was also something that other provinces would like to have done. But now, you're not going to distribute so many rapid tests. What's going on?

RS: Like so many areas, the pressures of Omicron and the surge of cases in so many areas where we have finite capacity testing is one of them. We only have so much lab capacity, so much capacity to actually, you know, swab people. And even… even though we continue to try to expand it, a limited or at least a finite supply of rapid test kits. So we are having to prioritize and say who… who is most important to get a PCR test? And then those who are left symptomatically, they get a rapid test kit. And where we can no longer afford to have people just, you know, testing every, you know, twice a week because they like the comfort of that or even testing before they go out for a social activity.

CO: Right. But you told them that they could get that comfort. I mean, just last December 13th, you said we recognize it's another way to keep gatherings safe over the holidays. So we're making rapid tests more widely available for the season. And you said doing a rapid test can add an extra layer of protection if you're hosting or attending gatherings. And so that's no longer going to be available to people?

RS: It's just not feasible possible within a finite supply of our… of our rapid test kits. But what that means is it's all about prioritizing. And the uses that are lowest on the priority list just have to fall away right now.

CO: But now, people are desperate to get hold of these kits, right? Because we all understand or we've been told that this is a way in order to have safe holidays. And so, what… what did you see in the way of how people reacted to that? I mean, your tests… hundreds of thousands of them went almost immediately, right, in Nova Scotia?

RS: Yes.

CO: What… what… what concerned you about the way people were getting and going after those tests?

RS: Well, it was… some of it was just the demand and the amount of test kits that were being used. And unfortunately, you know, people, you know, getting large amounts of test kits, you know, you know, both verbally and threats of physical… physical violence at places that were handing out test kits --

CO: Really?! People were fighting over them?

RS: Or being physically threatening to the staff at our testing centres. It was unfortunate that the types of behaviours we're seeing from a… from a minority of people. But it's just the reality is that, well, I guess my message to Nova Scotians is it's in the middle of this Omicron wave, we should be stopping our social activities, not relying on a test to say that I'm negative, so I'm safe to go out and socialize.

CO: What did you think when you saw that people responded that way? That they were so aggressive?

RS: Well, I mean, I understand human nature. This is a very fearful time. And… but it was, you know, it was certainly the minority that were doing that. But over and over again, no, it's my continued appeal for… for all Nova Scotians to treat each other with kindness and caring and putting the needs of the great… of the community ahead of our individual needs. In a time like this, it's even more important that we focus on that.

CO: Do you regret, in hindsight to having passed out so many of those rapid test kits?

RS: No. I mean, things change very quickly. I mean, a good access to rapid test kits. We've been leading the country in that. And that's been a hallmark of our success. And so… but things have changed very quickly.

CO: The conversation many people have is that we were told getting vaccines was not going to prevent you from ever getting COVID. It was going to prevent you from getting very sick and going and perhaps dying. So now, if we're in a situation where getting the infection maybe gets you a bit sick but doesn't send you to hospital and doesn't make you very ill, then is it really a problem? I mean, what are we seeing with Omicron as to the rate of infections that are ending up in hospital?

RS: So we're seeing a very low percentage. And I have to make the point, vaccines… even two doses of vaccine, are still effective. For… especially for higher risk people, a third dose is necessary. But two doses of vaccine still provide good protection against severe disease. We have to shift our mindset and focus much more on severe disease as opposed to the overall rate of infection. Because it's so infectious, a widespread of Omicron, even if it's 0.5 per cent of people who are infected end up in hospital, the absolute numbers of those people ending up in a hospital in any province would exceed the capacity of the health care systems.

CO: And just finally, is that small number of people, are they the unvaccinated?

RS: Some are. But we're also seeing, you know, that even people who are… age is by far the major risk factor. So we're seeing people even with two doses of vaccine, some with even three doses because of age or underlying health conditions, that they're at higher risk for hospitalization. So this needs to be about putting… using our efforts to... to actually protect those who are most vulnerable for severe disease, limiting those rates of severe illness, both to protect individuals who are vulnerable as well as protecting our health care system. We need to preserve health care systems as much as we can. Because if they implode, then there's a whole range of non-COVID health care needs that cannot be met, which have their own dire consequences as well.

CO: Dr. Strang, I know you're very busy, and I appreciate your time. Thank you.

RS: Thank you very much for the opportunity.

CH: Robert Strang is Nova Scotia's chief medical officer of health. We reached him in Halifax. And you can find more on this story on our webpage at: www.cbc.ca/aih.

[Music: Light rock]

Bill 21: Andre Pratte

Guest: André Pratte

CH: Outside Quebec, politicians are lining up to signal their opposition to Bill 21. Inside the province, some of the law's strongest opponents are asking them to stop. The secularism law prohibits public officials in Quebec from wearing religious symbols. This fall, it forced a hijab-wearing teacher to give up her class, which has mayors and councils from Brampton, Ontario to Calgary, Alberta taking the unusual step of denouncing another province's legislation -- and in some cases, promising to fund a fight in court. In Montreal, Mayor Valérie Plante opposes Bill 21, and yet she's warning her colleagues outside the province not to interfere. André Pratte thinks she has a point. Mr. Pratte was an Independent Senator until he decided it didn't give him enough independence. He's now an opinion writer and a principal at the consulting firm Navigator. We reached André Pratte in Montreal.

CO: Andre, why shouldn't the mayors in Ontario and Alberta call out Bill 21 as discriminatory?

ANDRE PRATTE: Well, I think all Canadians within Quebec or outside Quebec certainly can express their views on the law. I mean, the law uses the Canadian Charter of Rights and notwithstanding clause to protect the law from any legal challenge. So I think it's every Canadian's business. My issue is with the cities getting financially involved, giving financial support. I understand the sentiment behind this, the frustration and the anger, but I think we have to really keep in mind, what's the end goal here, right? The end goal is to get the National Assembly in Quebec to amend this bill so that it's not discriminatory anymore. And we will not achieve this if Quebeckers and Quebec politicians get a sense that this is becoming a Canada versus Quebec issue.

CO: Right. So you think… so you think this is what's behind these mayors in Brampton or in Alberta that there is this Quebec bashing, in your view?

AP: No, it's not. But I think there's a risk that it's perceived this way, and that the credibility of the people who challenge the new law, including mostly Quebeckers whose rights are infringed, that their credibility be damaged by the perception that they're now financed generously by Canadians outside Quebec. So again, it's not… you know, I understand the sentiment and the frustration, but we have to keep in mind what we're striving for. And what we're striving for is for the bill to be amended or scrapped. And this will not be achieved by these kinds of strategies or tactics.

CO: But how is it going to be achieved? Given that the polls in Quebec show that a really strong majority of people in that province support it.

AP: Yes. Well, public opinion changes as more information is available. You know, there's been very little debate in Quebec on… on some of the issues around the bill, notably the use of the notwithstanding clause not only to protect the bill from the Canadian Charter of Rights but also from the Quebec Charter of Rights, of which you know, most Quebeckers are very proud of because it predates the Canadian Charter of Rights. So, I mean, public opinion changes when there's a fulsome debate of these types of issues. There will be debates in front of the court. The Supreme Court decision will weigh heavily in a few years. So I think we have to let the process proceed and let Quebeckers have a fulsome debate of these issues with other Canadians, while being very cautious of the words used and the tactics used so that it doesn't backfire.

CO: And so, how would it backfire?

AP: Well, it could backfire, as I said, because if… if Quebeckers perceive that this is becoming an issue of Canada wanting to impose its views on Quebec, Quebeckers will naturally, as they've always done before, will naturally rally behind their provincial government. And it will not be an issue of Quebeckers fundamental rights anymore. It will be a Quebec versus Canada issue. And it could play into the nationalist camp hands and also even the separatist camp.

CO: OK. But --

AP: I mean, all… all these people are waiting for is some kind of crisis with the rest of Canada to have their option revived.

CO: Well, then it would seem that the rights, the fundamental rights of Fatemeh Anvari, the 3rd Grade teacher, are really very fragile, aren't they? Because if… if a moment of outrage in Quebec could mean that this bill, this law stays, then who speaks for her? Who speaks for this teacher who wants to wear the hijab? She's… she's told us in an interview, it's not necessarily a religious symbol. It's who she is. It's an expression of her own… her own character. So who speaks for her in Quebec?

AP: Well, there are, you know, about 30… between 30 to 40 per cent of Quebeckers who disagree with the bill. Many of them are speaking out against the bill, as I and many others are doing. There is a challenge in court with people who have similar views than this teacher. So there's discussion, there's a debate. And obviously, I think all Canadians are welcome to participate in this debate. I don't challenge that at all. I'm just saying that we have to be cautious because, again, we have to keep in mind what our goal is, right? There's no… no one will change the bill except the Quebec National Assembly. That's the only way it can happen.

CO: What are the arguments in your province that could convince Quebeckers to change this law?

AP: Well, I think the first thing is, you know, to have concrete cases like in this teacher's case where people see the impact, the human impact of this on people who have strong religious or other beliefs to which they want to hold on to, I think this will make people think twice. I think the court decisions will weigh heavily. And to make one last point, you know, even though Quebeckers might not welcome the contribution to the debate of some mayors, I think they expect the prime minister of the country to defend Canadian's… all Canadian's fundamental rights and the charter. And I think the weak position that the prime minister has taken, the fact that he's not debating this and discussing this with Quebeckers, considerably weakened the position of the people who, like me think that this bill should be amended if not withdrawn.

CO: He has said that it was important to ensure that it is Quebeckers themselves who deeply disagree with the fact that someone can lose their job because of their religion. Is that the position you think is wrong for him to take?

AP: No, it's not a wrong position. But he says… he's been saying this recently very reluctantly because he's been questioned time and time again. I think the government of Canada should have been in front of the court from the start, from the Superior Court and now the Quebec Court of Appeal. I mean, if the Prime Minister of Canada, the government of Canada, are not there to defend our fundamental rights and the Canadian charter, who will be?

CO: Andre, thanks for speaking with us.

AP: Thank you very much.

CH: André Pratte is a principal at the consulting firm Navigator. We reached him in Montreal.

[Music: Electronic]

Mini-Update: Bridge Thief

CH: It was clear from the start the thief had taken a bridge too far. Because the thief had taken an entire bridge. Last week, you heard the story here about the caper in Akron, Ohio. Police were asking for the public to help identify the mysterious mastermind who'd somehow managed to make off with a 17-metre pedestrian bridge without getting caught. The fully assembled bridge had been temporarily removed by the city and stored in a field. And then, it was gone. But now it is back - or, at least, presumably jammed in an enormous evidence locker in Akron Police Headquarters. And a man has been charged with felony theft. Turns out the 63-year-old suspect lacked his own pedestrian-bridge-moving equipment -- and allegedly hired a local trucking company to do the move for him. A company that, I assume, soon realized this was not their crossing to bear.

[Music: Electronic music intensifies]

UK Island Monarch

Guest: John Murphy

CH: At the tip of a peninsula on the west coast of northern England, there's a tiny island -- it's just about 50 acres. There's not much there besides a pub and a castle. But Piel Island has a human history dating back thousands of years. And some more recent traditions that involve noble titles, a throne, and drenching people in beer. Now, the local council has released a report about finding someone to manage the island's pub, among other duties. John Murphy is a local tour guide. And we reached him on nearby Walney Island.

CO: John, for someone who's never been to Piel Island, what's it like to be there?

JOHN MURPHY: It's a small island, only about half a mile round. And on the island, there is a wonderfully, amazingly beautiful 12th-century castle. There is also the famous Ship Inn -- the pub. And we only have one permanent resident who lives on Piel itself. Piel is only accessible in summertime by a very small ferry, which is not much bigger than a rowing boat or a guided walk across the south from Walney Island. And that's the walks I lead.

CO: There are animals, right? There are a lot of seals.

JM: Yeah, we've got now round about 800 seals swimming around the islands.

CO: OK, so you have all these animals, [chuckling] you have this castle and now you need someone to manage this pub… or the council -- the local council -- needs them. What are you looking for?

JM: You're right. The pub is owned by Barrow Borough Council. And the pub has been empty now for about six months, maybe slightly less, about four months. So the council is advertising for a new king or queen of the island. And, of course, the king and queen is quite an ancient ceremony connected to our medieval history.

CO: Right. [chuckling]

JM: Now, I could tell you the history is brief and fascinating.

CO: Oh, come on! There's no history part of the history of the U.K. that's brief. [cuckling] But fascinating, OK. [laughing]

JM: OK.

CO: How brief can it actually be?

JM: Here it goes. In 1487, we were coming towards the end of the War of the Roses in England. The two natural successors to the crown of England, the two twins, had been locked away and hidden away in the Tower of London. So some priests realized it was an opportunity here to lay claim to a new lineage to the royal family. So they took this young lad called Lambert Simnel, and they took him over to Dublin, Ireland, and trained him how to be the Earl of Warwick, the next successor to the Throne of England. So on June the 5th, 1487, Lambert Simmnel and 4,000 mercenaries landed on this very small island. And they camped overnight and next morning, set off towards the south of England, heading to London to say this is the Earl of Warwick, the future King of England. King Henry the 7th sent his troops north, and they annihilated this army. Apart from young Lambert Simnel. And the king took a liking to Lambert. And he eventually became the king's falconer. And that was the end of that part of history, [CO chuckles] and the end of the War of the Roses.

CO: For brief historical lessons that wasn't too long. [chuckling] Well done. Well done. Very, very concise. Thank you. So, that's what's made this island so famous. But now you need to get a new king of the island, right?

JM: Yeah. Because the story slightly extends now. So we go forward very fastly to the 1850s, 1860s, and some of the local fishermen were sitting in the bar with a glass of very strong lemonade, and they were thinking, well, if we can have a future king of England, we'll have our own king of the island. So a decision was made that any landlord, any landlady, in turn, will be knighted King of Piel. A throne is taken out of the pub and put in the keep of the castle. And a gallon of stale beer poured over the head. And he or she swears an oath of allegiance, which is to be a modest smoker, a good drink, a lover of all women or all men and to give refuge to anyone who is found dead on the sands. And that is the oath that the king or queen will take when we appoint a new king next year in April. [chuckle]

CO: OK, so if I get this straight, you and I don't have to be a modest… you have to be a smoker or a drinker, a cavorter of one kind or another. And then you have to go and live totally alone on this island, except for when they dump massive amounts of stale beer on your head. So why would anybody want this job?

JM: Because of its pure isolation and incredible beauty. The sunsets around our coast are absolutely amazing. So, the solitude, the fun of running a pub, the profits you can make in the pub is very attractive. I mean, summertime, hordes of local people head over to the island to enjoy the obvious facilities that the pub offers. The pub has been modernized, so it's a nice en suite bedroom in there for the landlord. And if they choose this solitude of sitting there on a glorious sunset, watching a few seals sunbathing, that's not a bad lifestyle, is it?

CO: Why don't you take the job?

JM: [laughing] I was interested. [CO laughs] I'm 73, but I don't think… I don't think --

CO: That's not an excuse!

JM: I mean, I've been going over to the island for well over 60 years. And I've got a passion and love for the island. Now, whether me personally could handle that total isolation, I'm not…. I'm not yet 100 per cent sure. But I will say between you and I and nobody else in Canada or America or Great Britain, I am considering it. I am seriously thinking, could I end my days with a happy smile on my face, sharing a pint with 800 seals? We used to have some amazing nights in the pubs. And I must have slept on every blade of grass, drunk and sober -- rain, wind and snow. [CO chuckles] And over the years, shuffling out of that pub looking for the tent that couldn't remember where to put. [CO laughs] And then I just curl up in a corner somewhere for the night. I've had a lot of fun on Piel over the years.

CO: John, I definitely think you should take the job. And if for no other reason that you're not doing a very good job at selling it to anybody else.

JM: Maybe that's a good thing to think about? Yeah, maybe I should sell it to the council and tell him how good I am. [chuckling]

CO: Maybe it's your strategy?

JM: Yeah, yeah. You don't know… you'll never find out. It's only me that knows that you know? [both chuckle] It's only me that knows that.

CO: Oh, John, it's great fun to talk to you. Thank you.

JM: Thank you.

CO: Bye-bye

JM: Thank you for the nice interview. Bye.

CH: John Murphy has been giving tours on Piel Island for decades. We reached him on nearby Walney Island, in England.

[Music: Old-timey showtune]

Japanese Baseball Mascot Retires

SOUNDCLIP

[Music: a gameshow like tune with splashing sounds]

CH: There he goes into retirement, with an electronic fanfare: Nazo no Sakana, the secondary mascot for the Japanese pro baseball team the Chiba Lotte Marines. Waving, saluting with a fish finger gun, and walking into the team's tunnel for the last time, with tears in his eyes. Maybe… you can't… can’t see his eyes behind the fish mask. Even among the wide variety of Japanese baseball mascots, Nazo no Sakana -- meaning "Mysterious Fish" -- stood out. Literally… he has legs. In what appear to be greenish pinstripe pants. Beneath a torso wearing an old-timey men's swimsuit. Beneath a round blue fish head. But that was just his fifth and final form. Nazo no Sakana had four previous forms, one of which was a large grey tongue, another of which was a skeleton. His constant evolution is what made him so popular, and so very mysterious. And all five incarnations were at the stadium on Friday, as a sort of gilled guild, for Mysterious Fish's retirement. And sure, there are still plenty of Japanese baseball mascots to cheer for, including Yokohama's DB Starman, a giant hamster; and the Yomiuri Giants' mascots, the Giabbits, an entire family of rabbits. But none has Mysterious Fish's mystery, or fishness. So from now on, old fans will tell new ones: you should have seen the one that got away.

[Music: Uke!!!]

Part 2: Nipissing Missing Bison, Reading: The Gift of the Magi

Nipissing Missing Bison

Guest: Mesut Ates

CH: It was extremely windy in northern Ontario last week. On Thursday, the wind took down a tree on a farm in Crystal Falls, which is about an hour east of Sudbury. That tree destroyed part of a fence. And that fence was keeping eight young bison fenced in. Mesut Ates spent months preparing the land for his first bison, which arrived in August. And now that they've escaped, the new farmer is desperate to bring his herd back home. Mesut Ates owns The Bison Farm in Crystal Falls, Ontario. That's where we reached him.

CO: Mesut, I know you have been tracking your bison for almost a week now. What have you found?

MESUT ATES: We see them at nighttime. Last night, we saw them in the open field close to the bush, but it was too dark. And then we put some feed out there. Also, it was a hayfield. We thought, like, they're going to stay. They're not going to go anywhere because it was snowing too. And then in the morning, we can… there was close by farm -- cattle farm -- we were trying to take them there. But the daytime, as soon as it lights out, they start travelling again. We see their tracks, but in the bush, we can't catch up with them, so.

CO: Right, so is this… was this the first time that you've actually seen them since you started looking for them?

MA: No, this is the second time. We saw them the night before deep in the bush. When we find them, it’s too late. Like, it’s getting too dark. And as soon as it’s lights out, they get on the move and they seems like trail southwest. So, they don't want to change their direction, but they… it seems they are going southwest.

CO: Wow! This began last Thursday night with that big windstorm, the tree toppled and you lost part of the fence. How did you… how did you react when you realized that the bison had escaped?

MA: I was coming from town to home. And then, I saw them on the road, like close to my place. And I was surprised. I was shocked. Like, I couldn't believe, like what I see. And then I stop, and then I called my neighbour. He came. He blocked the other roads. And it was getting dark at that time. And the, we hope, like, we can gently, like, guide them towards the farm.

[tape jumps]

CO: So the AP shot and killed the bison that was wounded?

MA: Yes, yes.

CO: So now you have seven left in your herd?

MA: Yes, I have seven right now.

CO: One thing, I guess, you've learned because you're new to the area, right? You found… you found a lot of neighbours that wanted to come out and help you. What was that like?

MA: It makes me, like, feel like I belong to this community. Like, I'm accepted. Like, since the first day, I'm not alone. Like, every day, everyone, like, with me. Without them, like, I wouldn't do that much. Like, I couldn't even keep track of them because I can't go to bush alone. I'm not knowing the area. Like, bush like they know.

CO: There are some who are doing the tracking. They're sending out messages to everybody. There are people with drones who are going up in the air looking for your bison. It's been extraordinary, eh?

MA: Yes. Yes it is. It is. like, it's unbelievable. Like, people are like with me, with their cars, with their ATVs, on the trails and also, like, even aircrafts. We had a civil rescue aircraft two days ago. They were making a test flight in the area. And then they heard this story and then they search our area. I hope, like, we’re going to find them before no more person get injured or safe.

CO: So you're new to the area, but you're also new to the business of raising bison, aren't you? I mean, you were a welding inspector who wanted to work a farm. And so… so what... what does this mean to you to see how, I guess, how difficult it is to… to manage this herd?

MA: It’s difficult, but I got my research before I began the business. And my facility is sufficient for them. But I think like the unfortunate incident, you know? That I'm having, like, at the beginning of my business. And I think I need to get my lesson from this and be careful the next time.

CO: You're getting… you're getting the lesson early in your profession?

MA: Yes, yes. [both chuckle]

CO: Mesut --

MA: And also… also, like, I got community attachment. Like… like that bonded with the community. You know, I don't mean like… I really… I can't express, like, explain what… yes.

CO: You're expressing it well. And I know you haven't slept in about four nights because of this, so.

MA: Yes, yess. Last night, I saw… likem we spotted them close to the highway. And then, even though outside was minus… minus-14 degrees here. Then I was on my coat and wanted to make sure they don't cross the highway. If I see them, I can push back to the field. Like, I was out all night into the morning.

CO: And you're still… and you're still out now, aren't you? You're out there on the road?

MA: Yes, I'm still out there.

CO: Well, Mesut, I will leave you to this difficult task. I really do hope you find your animals soon. And I appreciate speaking with you. Thank you.

MA: Thank you so much for having me. Thank you so much. Have a good night.

CO: All right. Goodnight.

CH: Mesut Ates is a bison farmer in Crystal Falls, Ontario, outside Sudbury.

[Music: Horns!!]

SOD: Space Sound

SOUNDCLIP

[Sound: R2D2 chirps and beeps!]

CH: The sounds of the sassy droid R2D2 from Star Wars. Which, this week, are being compared to another sound with origins far, far, away. Back in June, NASA's Juno mission to Jupiter did a flyby of the gas giant's largest moon Ganymede. It collected electric and magnetic radio waves. Now, NASA has turned that data into something us humans can hear. In a press release, principal investigator Scott Bolton has described it as, "a "soundtrack ... just wild enough to make you feel as if you were riding along as Juno sails past Ganymede for the first time in more than two decades." Or it might make you feel as if you were listening to R2D2 freak out.

SOUNDCLIP

[Sound: The opening to a prog rock album?]

CH: An audio track released by NASA, following a flyby of Jupiter's largest moon, Ganymede.

[Music: Glassy guitar]

Reading: The Gift of the Magi

CH: Communication is key in any relationship. But during the stress of the holidays, sometimes things get lost in translation. Maybe Grandma made an offside, passive-aggressive comment about the quality of the stuffing. Or your uncle cracked a "dad joke" about one of his nieces is "paying good money" for jeans with holes already in them. Or, like the characters in tonight's holiday reading, you were so excited about buying the perfect gift that you forgot that the greatest gifts can't be bought. Here's former As It Happens host Al Maitland reading O. Henry's classic 1905 story, The Gift of the Magi.

Reading:

AL MAITLAND: One dollar and 87 cents. That was all, and 60 cents of it was in Pennies. Pennies saved one and two at a time by bulldozing the grocer and the vegetable man and the butcher, until one's cheeks burned with the silent amputation of parsimony that such close dealing implied. Three times Della counted it. One dollar and eighty seven cents, and the next day would be Christmas. There was clearly nothing to do but flop down on the shabby little couch and howl, so Della, which instigates the moral reflection that life is made up of sobs, sniffles, and smiles — with sniffles predominating. While the mistress of the home is gradually subsiding from the first stage to the second, take a look at the home: the furnished flat at eight dollars per week. It did not exactly beggar description, but it certainly had that word on the lookout for the mendicancy squad. In the vestibule below was a letter box into which no letter would go. And an electric button from which no mortal finger could coax a ring. Also appertaining there too was a card bearing the name Mr. James Dillingham Young. The Dillingham had been flung to the breeze during a former period of prosperity, when its possessor was being paid thirty dollars per week. Now, when the income was shrunk to twenty dollars, the letters of Dillingham looked blurred, as though they were thinking seriously of contracting to a modest and unassuming D. But whenever Mr. James Dillingham Young came home and reached his flat above, he was called Jim, and greatly hugged by Mrs. James Dillingham Young, already introduced to you as Della, which is all very good.

AM: Della finished her cry and attended to her cheeks with a powder puff. She stood by the window and looked out dully at a gray cat, walking a gray fence in a gray backyard. Tomorrow would be Christmas Day, and she had only one dollar and 87 cents with which to buy Jim a present. She had been saving every penny she could for months with this result. Twenty dollars a week doesn't go far. Expenses had been greater than she had calculated; they always are. Only one dollar and 87 cents to buy a present for Jim, her Jim, many a happy hour she had spent planning for something nice for him. Something fine and rare and sterling; something just a little bit near to being worthy of the honour of being owned by Jim. There was a pier glass between the windows of the room. Perhaps you have seen a pier glass in an eight dollar flat. A very thin and very agile person made by observing his reflection in a rapid sequence of longitudinal strips. Obtain a fairly accurate conception of his books. Della, being slender, had mastered the art. Suddenly, she whirled from the window and stood before the glass. Her eyes were shining brilliantly, but her face had lost its colour within twenty seconds. Rapidly, she pulled down her hair and let it fall to its full length. Now there were two possessions of the James Dillingham Youngs in which they both took a mighty pride: One was Jim's gold watch that had been his father's and his grandfather's. The other was Della's hair. Had the Queen of Sheba lived in the flat across the airshaft, Della would have let her hair hang out the window someday to dry, just to depreciate her majesty's jewels and gifts.

AM: Had King Solomon been the janitor, with all his treasures piled up in the basement, Jim would have pulled out his watch every time he passed, just to see him placard his beard from envy. So now Della's beautiful hair fell about her, rippling and shining like a cascade of brown waters. She did it up again nervously and quickly. Once she faltered for a minute and stood still while a tear or two splashed on the worn red carpet. On her old brown jacket, on went her old brown hat, with a whirl of skirts and with the brilliant sparkle still in her eyes, she fluttered out the door and down the stairs to the street. Where she stopped, the sign read “Madame Sofronie Hair Goods of All Kinds”.

AM: One flight up Della ran and collected herself panting. Madame, large too white, chilly, hardly looked the Sofronie. Will you buy my hair? Asked Della. “I buy hair” Said Madame. Take your hat off, and let's have a sight of the looks of it. Down replied the brown cascade. Twenty dollars said Madame, lifting the mass with a practiced hand. “Give it to me quick” said Della. And the next two hours tripped by on rosy wings. Forget the hashed metaphor she was ransacking the stores for Jim's present. She found it at last. It surely had been made for Jim and no one else. There was no other like it in any of the stores. And she had turned all of them inside out. It was a platinum watch chain, simple and chaste in design. Properly proclaiming its value by substance alone and not by meretricious ornamentation as all good things should do. It was even worthy of the watch. As soon as she saw it she knew that it must be Jim's. It was like him: quietness and value. The description applied to both. Twenty-one dollars they took from her for it. She hurried home with the 87 cents. With that chain on his watch, Jim might be properly anxious about the time in any company. Grand as the watch was, he sometimes looked at it on the sly on account of the old leather strap that he used in place of a chain. When Della reached home, he intoxication gave way a little to prudence and reason.

AM: So she got out her curling irons and lighted the gas and went to work repairing the ravages made by generosity added to love, which is always a tremendous task, dear friends; a mammoth task. within 40 minutes, her head was covered with tiny clotheslined curls that made her look wonderfully like a truant schoolboy. She looked at her reflection in the mirror long, carefully, and critically. “If Jim doesn't kill me” she said to herself before he takes a second look at me, he'll say I look like a Coney Island chorus girl. But what could I do? Oh, what could I do with a dollar and 87 cents? At seven o'clock, the coffee was made and the frying pan was on the back of the stove, hot and ready to cook the chops. Jim was never late. Della doubled the watch chain in her hand and sat on the corner of the table near the door that he always entered. Then she heard his step on the stair way down on the first flight. And she turned white for just a moment. She had a habit of saying little, silent prayers about the simplest everyday things. Now, she whispered “please god, make him think I'm still pretty”. The door opened and Jim stepped in and closed it. He looked thin and very serious. Poor fellow he was only 22, and to be burdened with a family. He needed a new overcoat and he was without gloves. Jim stepped inside the door as immovable as a setter at the scent of quail. His eyes were fixed upon Della, and there was an expression in them that she could not read and it terrified her.

AM: It was not anger, nor surprise, nor disapproval, nor horror, nor any of the sentiments that she had been prepared for. He simply stared at her fixedly with that peculiar expression on his face. Della wriggled off the table and went for him. Jim, darling, she cried, don't look at me that way. I had my hair cut off and sold it because I couldn't have lived through Christmas without giving you a present. It'll grow out again. You won't mind will you? I just had to do it. My hair grows awfully fast. Say Merry Christmas Jim, and let’s be happy. You don't know what a nice… what a beautiful, nice gift I've got for you.

AM: “You've cut off your hair?” Asked Jim laboriously. As if he had not arrived at that patent fact yet even after the hardest mental labour. “Cut it off and sold it” said Della. Don't you like me just as well anyhow? I’m me without my hair, ain't I? Jim looked about the room curiously. You say your hair has gone he said with an air almost of idiocy. “You needn't look for it” said Della. It's sold I tell you, sold and gone too. It's Christmas Eve boy, be good to me. For it went for you. Maybe the hairs of my head are numbered she went on with a sudden serious sweetness. But nobody could ever count my love for you. Shall I put the chops on, Jim? Out of his trance, Jim seemed to quickly wake. He enfolded his Della. For ten seconds, let us regard with discreet scrutiny some inconsequential object in the other direction. Eight dollars a week or a million a year, what's the difference? A mathematician or a wit would give you the wrong answer. The Magi brought valuable gifts, but that was not among them. This dark assertion would be illuminated later on. Jim drew a package from his overcoat pocket and threw it upon the table. “Don't make any mistake Del” he said about me. I don't think there's anything in the way of a haircut or a shave or a shampoo that could make me like my girl any less. But if you will unwrap that package you may see why you had me going while at first. White fingers in nimble tore at the string and paper. And then an ecstatic scream of joy. And then, alas, a quick feminine change to hysterical tears and wails, necessitating the immediate employment of all the comforting powers of the lord of the flat. For there lay the combs — the set of combs that Dela had worshipped for long in a Broadway window. Beautiful combs pure tortoise shell with jewel rims, just the shade to wear in the beautiful, vanished hair. They were expensive combs she knew. Her heart had simply craved and yearned over them without the least hope of possession. And now, they were hers. But the tresses that should have adorned the coveted adornments were gone. But she hugged them to her bosom, and at length she was able to look up with dim eyes and a smile and say “my hair grows so fast, Jim”. And then Della leaped up like a little singed cat and cried “oh.” Jim had not yet seen his beautiful present. She held it out to him eagerly upon her open palm. The dull precious metals seemed to flash with a reflection of her bright and ardent spirit. “Isn't it a dandy, Jim? I hunted all over town to find it.” You'll have to look at the time a hundred times a day now. Give me your watch. I want to see how it looks on it”. Instead of obeying, Jim tumbled down on the couch and put his hands under the back of his head and smiled. “Del” said he. “Let's put our Christmas presents away and keep them a while. They're too nice to use just at present. I sold the watch to get the money to buy your combs. And now, suppose you put the chops on”.

AM: The Magi, as you know, were wise men — wonderfully wise men — who brought gifts to the babe in the manger. They invented the art of giving Christmas presents. Being wise, their gifts were no doubt wise ones, possibly bearing the privilege of exchange in case of duplication. And here I have lamely related to you the Uneventful chronicle of two foolish children in a flat. Who most unwisely sacrificed for each other the greatest treasures of their house. But in a last word to the wise of these days, let it be said that of all who give gifts, these two were the wisest. Of all who give and receive gifts such as they are wisest. Everywhere they are wisest. They are the Magi.

CH: Al Maitland reading The Gift of the Magi. That story was published by O. Henry in 1905. It's on our webpage at: www.cbc.ca/aih. And tune in on Friday night to hear our annual reading of the The Shepherd.

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December 21, 2021 Episode Transcript

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