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The AIH Transcript for November 16, 2018

Hosts: Carol Off and Jeff Douglas

CAROL OFF: Hello, I’m Carol Off.

JEFF DOUGLAS: Good evening, I'm Jeff Douglas. This is “As It Happens”.

[Music: Theme]

Prologue

JD: Tonight:

CO: Radio that’s still dialed in after a half a century. Celebrating 50 years of “As It Happens”, a show old enough to remember how much it hurt your fingers to call Europe on a rotary phone.

JD: Radio like mother used to make. Remembering the great Barbara Frum with her son David, who has a personal take on the woman who made “As It Happens” happen.

CO: Radio that doesn't sit out a standoff. We'll look back at the Oka crises of 1990 with Ellen Gabriel, who represented the Mohawk people of Kanesatake. And spoke movingly for those who would not be moved.

JD: Radio that made the arrangements for you to remake the arrangements. Our theme song contest got a lot of our musical listeners excited. But an impressive number of you managed to compose yourselves.

CO: Radio that observes the pecking disorder. We'll revisit the story of Mike the Headless Chicken, and then hear puns from listeners who really stuck their neck out.

JD: And… radio that can feel it coming in the questionnaire tonight. Three titans, including the great Carol Off, gather for a quiz spanning 50 years of this program. And one winner will make history by remembering history.

JD: “As It Happens”, the 50 year anniversary edition. Radio whose motto is flutes first, ask questions later.

Part one: Montage of moments, Barbara Frum, Mike The Headless Chicken, AIH Quiz Part One

Montage of moments

HOST: Can you hear us all right, Mr. Smallwood?

GUEST: Yes, I can hear you're quite well. And it’s not the first time I’ve heard you, Mr. Brown.

MARY LOU FINLAY Hi Julie.

GUEST: Hi, Mary Lou.

MICHAEL ENRIGHT: Generally, in your view, how is the ethnic cleansing going?

BARBARA FRUM: Oh, I don't think I was ever rude. You see that's my problem. I just talk like this all the time.

CO: Can you describe your ass for us, please?

GUEST: My ass is kind of fury.

HOST: You just never know what people are doing to the sound of our little show out there, do you?

AL MAITLAND: Tonight was Christmas Eve in 1957, and I was a pilot trying to get home for Christmas.

[Music: Theme]

Barbara Frum

Guest: David Frum

JD: When “As It Happens” first hit the airwaves on November the 18th of 1968, it sounded a little different from how it sounds now.

[Music: 1968 theme song]

JD: That theme doesn't exactly explode out of your radio. But I guess they were conserving energy. Because at the time, “As It Happens” was six hours long — a l live supper-hour show in every time zone across Canada. “AIH” was on the air for five years before executive producer Mark Starowicz rebuilt it around the telephone in 1973. And transformed it into the call-out show it continues to be today. The phone was key, but equally important to the signature sound of “As It Happens” was the program's co-host at the time: the late Barbara Frum.

BF: Yes, is that State House in Entebbe?

PERSON ON THE LINE: Yes.

BF: We would like to speak to President Amin.

JD: Her work brought new immediacy. It brought an emphasis on talking to people at the heart of an unfolding story — and a mix of journalism and humour. Barbara Frum's last show was on May 20th of 1981. Thirty-seven years later, we still hear from listeners who remember her interviews. David Frum is the senior editor at The Atlantic magazine. He was a speechwriter for George W. Bush. And he is the author most recently of “Trumpocracy: The Corruption of the American Republic”. But before all that, David Frum was a teenager. He could turn on the radio each weeknight, and hear his mom hosting “As It Happens”. David Frum joined Carol in the “As It Happens” studio.

CO: What does it feel like to be in here, knowing that your mother's spirit, her legacy, lives in this room and this show?

DAVID FRUM: Well, it's always a little spooky to talk about her. I am today four years older than she was when she died. And, of course, this studio is blocks away from the studio where she recorded her interviews — in much shabbier premises.

CO: Yes. What do you remember most about? We're talking about going back to the 1970s, you are a teenager, you're eleven years old when your mom becomes the host of this program. What do you remember about her years there?

DF: Well, to be selfish, I remember partly the impact on our family life. Through many of the years of my early teens, she would just be a vanished presence in the evening. And my father, who is not a very domestic person, had to take responsibility for organizing the evening.

CO: What was your mom like at home?

DF: One of the key things to keep in mind — this is something I did not know exactly at the time that occurred — she got the diagnosis of her illness in 1974, so three years into the program. And she lived for 17 more years. But she did not get a diagnosis of you have 17 years to live. She got a diagnosis you have two years to live eight times. And so even though my sister and I were unaware for some time of that news, the weight of it was there.

CO: But we didn't know. I mean I didn't know. Many people in the CBC didn't know until well into her sickness. She hid it so well. She was very private. Her energy never flagged. We never saw this.

DF: Her energy was amazing. She did other things too. I mean she's involved in art collection, and gardening, and philanthropic work, and she raised children, and she had a marriage, and she was amazing. She would crash at the end of the day. It would just be like you know like going off the energy cliff. She would just be wiped out. She would not be able to continue. And her weekends were very, very calm. But yeah, it was a heavy, heavy presence.

CO: You know your mother being a journalist in the 1970s, and I know what it was like for women. It was just really appalling. It's marginally better now. But as a national broadcaster, I think your mom, Barbara Frum, had to deal with sexism all the time, and in some of the interviews. There's one the most egregious — and it's the one I'm sure you remember — when she and Dick Beddoes were speaking with the owner of the Toronto Maple Leafs Harold Ballard back in 1979. It starts off friendly and goes downhill fast. And here's that clip.

BF: Hi, Mr. Ballard.

HAROLD BALLARD: How are you?

BF: How are you?

HB: Well, I'm all right.

BF: You won a hockey game.

HB: Well, won two. What’s wrong with your addition?

DICK BEDDOES: That’s right, Harold. You won two.

HB: Why don’t you get somebody on that can handle this job, Dick?

DB: You have some problems huh, Harold?

BF: Listen, I just go for the hearts and flowers. So I’m, there Saturday night.

HB: I don’t know why they’re putting females on the radio anyway? They’re a joke.

DB: They’re a joke are they, Harold?

HB: Yeah.

DB: That's what people are saying.

HB: You know where they're good, don't you?

DB: Well, yes I do.

BF: Do you mind that 200 million people are going to hear you say that?

HB: You know where they're at their best, don't you?

DB: Yes. And I like it that way too.

HB: So do I. That’s where they should stay. I let them up once in a while. They have to get my shoes once in a while.

CO: He went on to discuss the hockey events with Dick Beddoes. And then here's another time when your mother tries to interject with a question.

BF: Hang on now, Mr. Ballard.

HB: Would you keep quiet?

BF: No. This is still my show. I have another question for you.

HB: I'm not talking to you. I'm talking to Dick. So when you learn to mind your own business and let me talk to Dick it’ll be fine. Goodbye

DB: Barbara?

BF: Yeah, that's not like him.

DB: That’s not like him at all.

BF: He's upset about something.

DB: Yes, he is. And I must say must express dismay on his behalf.

BF: Should we call him back and cheer him up?

DB: We can try to get him. Sure, I'd like to have him back.

BF: Hang on.

CO: So they were not able to get him back on the phone. And so what are you hearing in your mom's voice there?

DF: She is conscious she's running a show. And one of the things that was true of her she did not lose her cool. I think, in all her career, there are maybe two or three instances where I mean it wouldn't have been outward. But she there was an interview with Margaret Thatcher where she was not fully self-possessed by the end of it. She found herself pettifogging and evasive. And nothing that would make her more upset than a feeling she had not been self-possessed. She never forgets the microphone is there. So she's not in the moment. And that's very impressive. It's a reminder of how much of what happens now is a kind of revolution of rising expectations. Because although that was in 1977 you said?

CO: 1979.

DF: 79. So that's pretty extreme for 1979, but so they're reacting to it, but they're not reacting to it in a way that a much milder stimulus would have a reaction now. Because at some level, you're still not sure that it's not supposed to be funny. And my mother she wouldn't have liked it but it’s not supposed to be funny.

CO: I have David Frum with me in the “As It Happens” studio, and we're talking about his mom, Barbara, and her legacy on this show. And David, there is not a time when your mother's influence, her spirit, doesn't affect us. And with all of us who work on this program, which she established here was really a benchmark, and it was a goal.

DF: Thank you for saying that.

CO: What do you think? Did she have any idea of what legacy she thought she was leaving?

DF: She cared a lot about her institutional legacy in broadcasting. She cared a lot about opening doors for women. She cared a lot about her family legacy, and making sure that my sister and I were happy and established. She ultimately would have six grandchildren; she only met one of them very briefly. If she had made it, how old would she be today? Let me think… she'd be 81, I guess. Yeah, the six grandchild would be her favourite legacy.

CO: David Frum, thank you so much.

DF: Thank you.

[Music: Calypso]

JD: David Frum is the senior editor of The Atlantic magazine. He's also the son of former “As It Happens” host Barbara Frum.

Mike The Headless Chicken

[Sound: Message machine beep]

ALAN SHATTUCK: Hello, my name is Alan Shattuck. I currently live in Brooklyn, Ontario. I started listening to “As It Happens” in the mid-70s. You guys have made me think, laugh, cry, get angry, and learn. I hope you have another great 50 years. It's a great show. Bye.

JD: Sadly, most of the time, the news is dark, isn't it? Serious — possibly a little overwhelming — so it has been a longstanding tradition here on “As It Happens” to include a little bit of levity, some lightness, in the form of stories that are funny-peculiar, funny-haha, or often a combination of the two. And we have told so many over the past 50 years, it is nearly impossible to choose a favourite. That is where you come in, dear listener. Earlier this year, we asked you to vote online for the weirdest “As It Happens” story of all time. And one emerged head and shoulders above the rest. Well, shoulders. Actually, do chickens have shoulders? No. Anyway, my point is this story was the winner: an interview conducted by Mary Lou Finley back in the year 2000.

MLF: Ms. Edgington, who was Mike The Headless Chicken?

SALLY EDGINGTON: Mike was a Wyandotte rooster that was chosen to be chicken dinner September 10th 1945 by farmer Olsen. When he chopped Mike’s head off, Mike lived. And he lived for 18 months after the fact of the chop.

MLF: He lived?

SE: He lived.

MLF: The farmer is trying to kill a chicken for dinner…

SE: Right.

MLF: Takes off his head…

SE: Takes off his head. Mike did not bleed very much. They determined that it missed the carotid artery, and he was able to live. And the Olsen's watched him, and they were amazed that he that he didn't die. And when he was alive the next day, they went ahead and started taking care of him by feeding him and watering him through his gullet with an eye dropper.

MLF: They dropped food right down his throat?

SE: Right.

MLF: Why didn't they put him out of his misery, if I can use the word?

SE: Well, apparently, Mike really wasn't in that much misery because he was trying to crow. And from the reports that I've read, he acted just like and ordinary rooster that I assume he thought he was blind.

MLF: What did he die of eventually?

SE: Mike choked to death on a kernel of corn. I know! Poor Mike.

JD: That was former host Mary Lou Finley, in conversation with Sally Edgington about Mike The Headless Chicken. Now along with the unusual stories, one of the signatures here at “As It Happens” is our puns. So we asked you to send us your puns about poor Mike. And now we know which came first: the chicken, or the gag? Sheryl Shatkosky from Elphinstone, Manitoba, delightful name, wrote, "Radio that brings you the news — even when it's hard to swallow." Leanne from Halifax had, “Radio that takes a year to drop the Mike.” And finally — and most ominously — Steve Bromschwig of Vancouver wrote, "Radio that will keep feeding you nourishing stories and topical interviews, until we accidentally kill you with one of them." Well, Thank you to everyone for writing — and congratulations to our winners, drawn at random: Jill Van Horne of Moncton; Mark Ferris of Victoria; and Ken Grise of Toronto.

[Music: Game show theme]

AIH Quiz: part one

ANNOUNCER: Well, folks, that music means one thing it's time for the “As It Happens Fiftieth Anniversary Quiz”. Allow me to introduce your quizmaster. The host with the most, smooth like butter on your breakfast toast from coast to coast. Why it's Jeff “don't try this at home” Douglas.

JD: Thank you.

ANNOUNCER: Come on down!

JD: Thank you anonymous disembodied announcer voice. Yes, ladies and gentlemen, this is it. We have reached the moment you have all been waiting for. It is time for the As It Happens Fiftieth Anniversary Quiz. Let me introduce you at home to our star-studded lineup of contestants. Contestants, please sound your noisemakers when you hear your name to let listeners know what buzzer you will be using. First up, with home court advantage, she's always on, but her name says otherwise it's Carol “come-off-it” Off.

[Sound: A shaker]

JD: Welcome, Carol.

CO: Well, I just want the record to show that despite all of my efforts to coerce, to bribe, to extort you over the course of this past week for the answers have failed — so when… if I win this quiz, we know it’s completely honestly done, right men?

ME: Absolutely.

JD: That is the sound of a wink. Great! Up next we have the bow tie bon-vi-bon. IIndeed, it is none other than Michael “am I right, or am I right?” Enright. Welcome, Michael.

[Sound: Duck call]

ME: Thank you very much. I do want to issue just a bit of a bitter comment.

JD: A bitter?

ME: Bitter.

JD: Oh, okay.

ME: For a long time, a very long time, I held the record as the longest serving host of “As It Happens” — ten years and one month — beyond the late Barbara Frum. And then this young upstart, Carol Off, came along and broke my record. And, as you know Jeffrey, we haven't spoken to each other since.

JD: A long time…

CO: Some of us have the stuff. I mean just some of us have the go power to keep it happening, but others don’t.

ME: Rub the gull into the wound.

CO: I’m just telling you the truth. It’s obvious, right?

JD: Carol’s got the endurance; she endures me. And last, but certainly not least, the dark horse in this here pony race. It is Tom “I probably should have practiced” Power.

[Sound: Cowbell]

ME: You have a blue bell.

TP: I do! Well, one, I feel like the odds are stacked against me a slight bit seeing as how I'm a two-time guest host of “As It Happens”.

JD: On the other side of the desk, yeah.

TP: On the other side of the desk, versus two long-term hosts of “As It Happens”. But I will say as the CBC’s resident millennial, I feel quite entitled to win.

JD: Fair enough. Okay, time to get down to it. We are going to begin, contestants, with a round of rapid fire questions. Each question is worth one point. You can buzz in at any time, but keep in mind if you get the question wrong, we're going to dock you a point, and we will ridicule you. For everyone playing along at home, you keep track your score. Be honest, let us know how you did using the hashtag: #AIH50 on Twitter and the Facebook Carol, Michael, Tom, here we go. OK, Corol.

CO: Okay.

JD: You ready?

CO: Don’t tell them!

JD: Who were the first two hosts of “As It Happens” when it premiered in 1968. You must name them both.

[Sound: Duck call]

CO: I don’t have the answer!

ME: Harry Brown and the guy with the…

CO: You’re looking to me to help you? I don’t think so, Michael.

JD: She's not going to help you.

ME: Harry Brown and Harry Brown.

[Sound: Beeper]

JD: Harry Brown and Harry Brown.

CO: Wasn't there a guy named Bill in there someplace — better known as William — and might have been a Ronald?

JD: Carol, remember if you're wrong, Carol, you lose a point. Michael, I'm docking you a point already.

ME: But I don’t have any points to lose already!

JD: Well, I know. So you go negative.

TP: Negative numbers right off the bat.

JD: And yours is William Peter who?

CO: William Ronald.

JD: William Ronald and…

CO: The guy that Michael said…

HD: Harry Brown, OK.

JD: OK, Carol’s down a point as well.

CO: Oh no!

TP: I only know Harry Brown because he's from Newfoundland.

JD: Right.

TP: And I know Michael Enright.

JD: Michael Enright is close. Michael has been at CBC for 50 years. But no, he didn't start on “As It Happens”. The answers are Phillip Forsythe and Harry Brown.

TP I was just reading that on Wikipedia on the way up. Not great!

JD: Good god, you could have stayed quiet and been in the lead. Okay, we all know and love “Curried Soul”, Moe Koffman's iconic opening theme song to “As It Happens”. But “Curried Soul” is also a recipe which was printed in the liner notes of Moe's 1969 album. Name three of that recipes ingredients?

[Sound: Cowbell]

JD: Oh, Tom Power.

TP: I’m going to take a stab here.

JD: Yes, you are.

TP: I’m going to say sole…

JD: Are ya?

TP: I'm going to say onion.

JD: Okay, very good, very good.

TP: And I'm going to say garam masala.

JD: I would have gone probably…

TP: Curry powder?

JD: Yeah, with that.

[Sound: Shaker]

CO: Oh, come on! That’s four. He had four chances.

JD: It doesn't matter; they're all wrong.

[Sound: Buzzer]

JD: Only onion was right. He's down another point now. Now Tom is minus two.

TP: Hold on, sole wasn’t right?

JD: No, sole wasn’t right; it’s soul.

TP: I know, but I thought it would be a play-on-words.

CO: He’s a Newfoundlander; he thinks fish in everything.

JD: Exactly. Carol Off is next.

CO: No, I don’t have any ideas.

JD: Really?

CO: I think Michael knows the recipe.

JD: OK, yeah.

ME: I have no idea what the recipe is — none whatsoever.

JD: If you want to make it at home — we did make it incidentally here — it wasn't that great curried soul. The ingredients printed on the liner notes are lamb; bacon, sounds great so far; onion, which Tom guessed; green pepper; red pepper; apple; flour; curry powder; stock; and rice. OK, why would a die-hard “As It Happens” listener want to pay a visit to the UK county of Berkshire?

[Sound: A shaker]

CO: To go to Reading.

[Sound: Correct!}

JD: Ah, that's it. Yes, Carol moves back up to zero…

TP: Back up to zero.

JD: Because Reading is, of course, in Berkshire. And Reading, of course, is our reliable longstanding point of reference for measuring distances.

TP: I was so ready for my reading question. I was all prepared for it.

JD: So the next three questions have audio clues. We're gonna play you some tape. Your job is to guess the historical event connected to the clip; each question worth one point. This first clue is a call to talkback that led an episode during the 90s.

[Sound: Message machine]

CALLER: The emotions of the past week have been raw in Montreal and Quebec. And I feel compelled to define some way to save our country this one last time.

JD: What historical event is that caller…

[Sound: Duck call]

JD: Michael Enright.

ME: I think it's the massacre at the Ecole Polytechnique?

CO: Nope, 1989.

JD: A great guess. But yeah, that was 89.

[Sound: Buzzer]

[Sound: Cowbell]

JD: Tom Power.

TP: The Quebec referendum.

[Sound: Correct!]

JD: Yes, indeed. Here's your next clue.

SPEAKER: HE had the looks, he had the sound, you know? He had a whole new style. I mean he was like the Beatles. You know when the Beatles hit. It’s same kind of thing he started new fashions you know with the sideburns, and the hairdo, and all that kind of stuff. I can't believe it. I mean you've caught me at a bad moment. I didn't realize that this would happen. Oh my god, this has got me all choked up.

[Sound: Cowbell]

JD: Go Tom! Go, I can see you’re dying.

TP: That’s Wolfman Jack, talking about Elvis Presley.

JD: Holy, god.

CO: Wow, yes.

ME: Very good.

CO: Give the man a cigar.

JD: I'm going to give you two points for naming the event and the guest. That's impressive.

TP: So what am I at? One now?

JD: You’re at one. You’re raging ahead. Here's your final audio clue.

SPEAKER: I can’t even wait until the morning. It’s hard even to sleep.

ME: You're not going to get much sleep tonight?

SPEAKER: No, I don't think. So it is vibrating with song and dance. Although some of them I think they don't quite understand what is happening, but the excitement.

JD: I kind of feel like Michael Enright should…

ME: I recognize one of the voices.

JD: What event has caused Michael's guest’s great excitement?

ME: Was it the downfall of the Berlin Wall?

[Sound: Buzzer]

JD: No, no, no. You were there for so much, Michael.

ME: Yeah, for so long. Was it to the burning of the White House in 1812?

JD: No, but you’re at minus two now.

ME: They're singing and dancing. I think was the opening of the first Arthur Murray Dance Studio in Tulsa, Oklahoma.

[Sound: Buzzer]

JD: Good lord! You really are just throwing this to the wind, aren't you?

ME: Thank you.

JD: Let’s take Michael down to minus three. Come on, Carol.

CO: Anything to do with El Salvador?

[Sound: Buzzer}

JD: No.

CO: Close?

ME: Why are you groaning?

JD: Well, I do like how Carol is not quite… She's clever, she's not quite hazard a guess. The answer is Nelson Mandela being freed from prison February 12th 1990. That was Michael Enright, in conversation with Eunice Khumalo. OK, so again…

TP: Do you ever not remember what you did that day? All jokes aside, like do you ever do the interviews, and you’ll get home, and someone will say you know Carol, Michael, what did you talk about today on “As It Happens”, and you can't remember?

CO: Every single day.

JD: That’s every day. Carol and I have that conversation. Carol doesn’t know what day of the week it is often. We have to move along. We have a mystery caller….

TP: Don’t mind me. I’m just texting over here.

JD: Oh, you want to pay attention to this, Tom.

TP: We’re going to talk to someone live right now?

JD: We are. You’re going to listen to someone live. When they've finished speaking, you get to each ask them a yes or no question. We'll go around the circle twice. Then you will write your guess of who this person is on the piece of paper. Question is worth two points. Mystery caller, are you there?

CALLER: Yes.

TP: No way! You got the voice thing!

CALLER: Hello, I’m the mystery guest. First of all, let me say that I’m thrilled to join you for this special 50^th anniversary. In fact, it may interest you to know, I’ve been interviewed or heard on “As It Happens” over 33 times. I now grant you each two yes or no question to try and figure out who I am. Good luck!

JD: Intriguing! And everyone's likely horrified. So time for those yes or no questions. We're gonna go round the circle twice, starting with you Michael.

ME: Mystery caller, are you in a bathroom?

CALLER: No.

JD: That’s a fine first question, Michael. Okay, Tom.

TP: Mystery caller, are you, or have you been involved in the political sphere?

CALLER: Yes.

CO: Mystery caller, have your stories on “As It Happens” been good stories? Happy stories?

CALLER: Yes.

ME: Were you ever mayor of Toronto?

CALLER: No.

TP: Were you a federal politician?

CALLER: Yes.

CO: Are you still a politician?

CALLER: No.

JD: No. All right contestants, so no more questions. Do you have a guess? Oh, Carol has a question for me.

CO: Did this person say they were three times on the show, or 33?

JD: No, I'm sorry. I was going to clarify for you. The first time they were on the show was 1988. They've been on 33 times. You guys are at a draw here, right? You're not getting this. You need more information. Mystery caller, will you pretty please give us one last clue.

CALLER: In my years of service to this country, there is one thing that non one will ever be able to take from me. I was the first woman in Canadian history to hold a certain office.

JD: I was the first Woman in Canadian history to hold a certain Office. OK, write it down.

ME: Carol is writing away like crazy!

JD: Time is up. Time is up. So Tom, what was your guess?

TP: Former Prime Minister Kim Campbell.

JD: Kim Campbell, a good guess. Carol, your guess?

CO: Adrian Clarkson.

JD: Adrian Clarkson, another good guess.

ME: Sheila Copps.

JD: Sheila Copps. Mystery caller, can you reveal who you are.

KIM CAMBELL: I'm Kim Campbell.

[Sound: Correct!]

JD: Tom Power surges ahead with two points.

ME: Prime Minister, I interviewed you a dozen times over the years. I think I did.

KC: Yeah, you probably did. I knew I’d fool you by talking slowly.

[Music: Concluding song]

JD: Thank you, Ms. Campbell. That brings us to the end of this round. So again, Tom Power is now in the lead with I think it should be three points. We have him at two, but I believe it's three. Carol, minus one. Still holding down the middle, Michael Enright.

ME: Give her mine…

JD: Right! How's everyone feeling?

CO: Old. You know, I think the fact that we did this show for so many years, Michael and I, it really wore down our brains. So I think we should be given some points for our…

ME: Longevity.

CO: Our longevity. And just our investment.

JD: I think you're absolutely right. You're absolutely right. Let's get to a point each for their experience, so we'll take Carol up to zero, and Michael up to minus two. We're going to take a quick break now for news. And we'll be back with part two of “As It Happens Fiftieth Anniversary Quiz”. It's still anybody's game… kind of.

Part two: Quiz part two, montage of moments part two, Ellen Gabriel

Quiz part two

JD: All right everyone. Welcome back to the “As It Happens Fiftieth Anniversary Quiz”. I am your quizmaster, Jeff Douglas. And joining me around the table are past host Michael Enright

[Sound: Duck sound]

JD: Yes, present host, and my partner in broadcasting, one of my favorite people, Carol Off.

CO: Good thing.

[Sound: Shaker]

JD: And two-time guest host, and lifelong “As It Happens” fan, Colonel Tom Power.

[Sound: Cowbell]

TP: Thank you very much.

JD: And things were getting pretty heated before the break. The scoreboard is breaking down literally like this. Michael is in third place with minus two. In second place is Carol off at zero. And out in front is the Colonel Tom Power with two.

CO: The kid.

ME: Excuse me. What is with the colonel nonsense?

TP: There was an Elvis reference earlier. Colonel Tom Parker, Colonel Tom Power.

ME: I understand that.

JD: Yeah, it's just in the rider. It's in the rider. You don't look Tom Power in the eye and you call him the colonel. I’m just following instructions.

ME: God, you're needy.

JD: It's this new generation, right?

JD: Wow! All so very good. You had the cadence, Tom. You had the rhythm, you had that growly back, and the odd mid-Atlantic accent. Michael, you had this emotional quality that I just found so incredibly rich and raw. But I do have to give this to Carol.

[Sound: Correct!]

CO: What?!

JD: Yes, Carol.

CO: Oh my gosh!

JD: No, because I have heard you say bastards. I have heard you say too drunk to do your job properly. I have heard those things in Carol Off's voice.

CO: The rage of despair welling up.

JD: What I heard just now was not Carol Off's voice. I do believe you were challenging, or channeling…

CO: my inner Alan Maitland?

JD: The inner Al. Carol, oddly enough, is in the lead now with five points. Carol, Michael, Tom, you have one more chance to prove that you are the definitive “As It Happens” history champion. This will be your final question. It is worth five points as well. “As It happens” would not be “As It Happens” without stories about animals. For this audio clue, you will hear two very short clips back-to-back of two “As It Happens” stories. You must name the two animals being discussed. You only get points if you name both animals correctly. Listen up.

HOST: Now he’s peeing on me.

[Sound: The donkey]

CO: Two different animals. Okay.

[Sound: Shaker]

JD: Carol.

CO: A beaver and a parrot.

[Sound: Buzzer]

JD: No. Carol loses five points. Yeah, we got to take away the five, right?

TP: Naw, take away one.

JD: Down to zero. No, we got to take five. It's worth five. Tom, you also rang in there.

TP: A beaver, and a bird?

JD: No, Tom. Down to minus three. Michael Enright, take a stab at this; you could win it all now!

CO: Is Enright going to win this contest?

TP: Yeah, I think he might.

JD: You could win it all right now, Michael.

ME: I'm going through the animal bestiary here.

CO: Let’s work together on this one for Michael.

TP: Yeah, for sure. Yeah.

ME: It was a beaver.

TP: A beaver peed on him.

CO: Can we hear it just one more time.

[Sound: A donkey]

CO: It’s a…

TP: You got it, Carol.

CO: It's a donkey.

[Sound: Correct!]

JD: Yes, Carol. So what do we do? Split this up.

TP: Yeah, everyone gets five points. So Carol goes to five. Michael, give me your hand. You have broken zero.

ME: How did the get the donkey into the studio? I don’t understand!

JD: There's an ass in the studio every night. I've got the control room yelling in my ear. Final score is this: Michael Enright breaking zero for the first time today at one, in third place.

ME: Fantastic!

JD: Tom Power, second place at two. And Carol Off, surprisingly victorious.

TP: Oh, what a shock.

JD: With five.

[Sound: Organ]

JD: We have a surprise for you. We do. We have a big surprise for you.

TP: DO you know what it is, Carol?

CO: No.

JD: Behind the studio door, there are two very special guests waiting for this moment. So come in here.

ME: Special guests?

JD: Special guests. Oh, my Lord. We have a beaver and a donkey. A beaver and a donkey have just entered the studio bipedal — they’re on two legs. They're wrestling over something.

ME: Where are they peeing?

JD: It appears to be the beaver has urinated all over Michael Enright’s leg.

ME: No! I'm sorry.

JD: Carol, what is your prize?

CO: Pizza, courtesy of the president of Iceland.

JD: That is right. It is a personal-sized pineapple pizza.

CO: Yes, Hawaiian pizza from Iceland!

TP: Well, right now, I just found out the beaver is going to read “The Shepherd”, which I'm really looking forward to. That’ll be really good.

ME: He’ll pee all over the script.

CO: Don't pee in here.

[Music: Theme]

JD: Now just to clarify, due to animal health regulations, we didn't have an actual donkey and beaver in our studio, sadly. We had two grown, adult “As It Happens” producers in donkey and Beaver costumes, which were remarkably lifelike. And I'm told a little putrid. Now, if you're having trouble picturing that, and for whatever reason would like to picture that, you can see some stunning photos, and indeed video, of the dramatic climax of our quiz on the “As It Happens” website: www.cbc.ca/aih.

Montage of moments part two

[Sound: Message]

CALLER: Well, I remember way back perhaps in the 70s or 80s getting my very first piece of land that I ever owned from “As It Happens”. It was Barbara Frum and Harry Brown, and they were giving away one acre plots of land on the moon. Well, I applied for that one acre plot, and got, and still have somewhere, my deed for that land. And I know that eventually that foresight on my part will reap me big rewards down the road. Thank you very much, and goodbye.

[Sound: Message]

CALLER: Hi, my name is Amy Kennedy. I'm from Yellowknife, Northwest Territories. When I was in the fifth and sixth grade, I was in after school swim club. And it would run from something like 4 p.m. until 6 p.m. here in Yellowknife. And every three days a week, Monday, Wednesday, Friday, my dad would pick me up from swim club. And in the winter here, it's really cold and dark by 6 p.m. or 6:30 p.m. — whenever I’d get my butt out of the pool. And every time he'd pick me up, I’d climb into the car, and it would be cozy and warm in there. And we would drive home together, listening to the show, and then have conversations about what we had heard. And it just every time I hear the theme song, I think of my dad. And so I guess thank you for an audio memory that triggers just a feeling of such love. Thank you for everything. Bye.

[Music: Ambient]

JD: A few of your memories of the role this 50-year-old radio show has played in your lives. Thanks to everyone who called, and wrote. It means a lot to us that “As It Happens” means so much to you.

Ellen Gabriel

Guest: Ellen Gabriel

JD: As we reach out half-century mark, we're looking back at some of the stories and interviews that stuck with us over the years — including this one, about a small-town proposal to expand a golf course that blew up into a national issue. In the summer of 1990, all eyes were on Oka. The Quebec town was set to expand its fairways into Mohawk territory. But the Mohawk community of Kanesatake stood its ground. The result was a bitter 78-day stand-off. There were high-stakes negotiations, there were tanks and guns, and a feeling that, any moment, the whole thing might explode. All that summer, “As It Happens” was there. And near the beginning, we spoke with Ellen Gabriel — the face and the voice of the Mohawk people in Kanesatake at the time. Ten days earlier, Quebec police had shot tear gas and concussion grenades into the barricade, and a Quebec police officer was killed. Here is part of Ellen Gabriel's conversation with Michael Enright, from July 20^th of 1990.

ELLEN GABRIEL: We’re asking that the government of Canada meet with us here because we can't leave. And it concerns the land issue, which is what basically started all this. It has to be a nation-to-nation negotiation.

ME: Ms. Gabriel, you're asking for immunity from prosecution. But I'm wondering how you can get that? How that can be realized as long as the question of the death of the police officer is still a mystery — is still unresolved?

EG: What happened that morning that we were raided was illegal. Surete du Quebec went on their own decision. It was an illegal raid. The whole injunction itself is illegal. Women and children were shot at with tear gas, with bullets, and concussion grenades. Whereas the justice in that?

ME: But if the officer died as a result of one of the Mohawk warriors, it'd be hard to grant immunity, wouldn't it?

EG: This is our territory. We have a right to defend our territory. We are a nation like defending its nation against any other foreign governments. Our lives here are at stake, and it doesn't seem to matter that much to them.

ME: You’ve use the word nation many times. Can you just give us an explanation as to what you mean by that precisely? Just how do you view that, and how do you want the rest of the world to view it?

EG We are part of the Six Nations Iroquois Confederacy. We never sold, and we never ceded any of our land. We shared it with the Europeans who first came here. We are still sharing it with the European descendants and other nations of the world. We're still sharing as a nation with our own laws, our own traditions, our own customs. We want the world to recognize that voice — our right to our territory and to defend it.

JD: That was Ellen Gabriel, in conversation with Michael Enright; ten days into the Oka crisis in the summer of 1990. We reached Ellen Gabriel in CBC’s Montreal studio.

CO: Ellen Gabriel, welcome back to “As It Happens”.

EG: It’s my pleasure. Thank you for inviting me.

CO: When you hear your voice on this show nearly 30 years ago, you come across as tough-as-nails. You say our lives are at stake, and it doesn't seem to matter. What was your state of mind? When you listen to that, what does that take you back to?

EG: Well, it takes me back to a place of feeling very angry, very indignant at being shot at, having our lives and so put at risk, and people not understanding that this was a problem created by the government of Canada not listening to the voices over 300 years ago. It takes me back to that point. I can feel my heart pounding just thinking about it.

CO: Did you think that you would be killed?

EG: I did at one point — I did. When the army moved in on September first, after the Mercier Bridge had been dismantled — the barricade — people said you know you really should go into hiding because they're gonna torture you because that was what was going on. I was really, really wary of what should I do? Should I leave? Where is a safe place? And I really didn't know.

CO: This was something for us in this country to see thousands of soldiers going into a civilian area of our country. They had tanks, they had grizzlies, they had helicopters, trucks, artillery pieces, they had their personal weapons with bayonets affixed to them into this protest that was in Kanesatake. To see this was shocking for Canadians, and it must have been terrifying.

EG: When you have post-traumatic stress, you're running on adrenaline. The situation has not changed. You don't have that kind of fear of will I get hurt, or will I get killed? It's like I'm going to stand here. I'm going to stake my ground. And you can either go around me or through me. And I think that's the way a lot of people who were on the frontlines felt. And I don't care if there's a tank. I don't care if you're going to have your bayonets on. We are going to stake our ground. We are going home on our terms. And I think that's the crux of what we want to do. If we're talking about reconciliation nation-to-nation, it has to be on our terms as well. We should be the ones leading those things. Back then, it was a new concept. Today, I think people are trying to flesh out what exactly does nation-to-nation mean in 2018? But in other ways, the status quo remains, which is unfortunate.

CO: At the time, there was as you know an intense backlash from Quebeckers. There were these horrible scenes of Indians, as they called them then, Indians being hanged in effigy — these effigies of Indigenous people — setting them on fire. The people on the Mercier Bridge, I remember hearing people yelling at Mohawks go back where you came from, which always struck me as truly interesting. But, at the same time, throwing rocks at cars when they were trying to get out of Kanesatake, fearing that there was going to be a bloodbath there. Why do you think that was the case? What made Quebeckers turn against you so completely?

EG: Well, first, I'd like to say that an elder was killed. There was a big rock that landed on his chest, and he was killed. But you know it was ripe for it because you know there's inconvenienced motorists, they're looking at us, and we're still the savages that they have learned about in the history textbooks. There's all kinds of reasons for the racism. A radio commentator here in Quebec was provoking that. We know that the KKK was up here recruiting. And so you know we as Indigenous people who have been in the invisible so-called minority in Canada were good targets. And you know they were Quebec sovereignists who were supporting us and protesting in front of Hydro Quebec. So we knew that not all Quebecers felt the same. It was only those who were ignorant of Canada and Quebec's colonial history that were doing that. But the media has a really large responsibility. You know, they are the conscience of society. And they should be the one reminding government. But you have all these obligations, why are you not respecting it? And that didn't happen because back then, people thought that we were just assimilated. And you know we were just a footnote in history. You know, go see us in the museums. And then I think that's what's happened in the last 28 years is that has started to change. But you know I can tell you honestly that there's still so much work that needs to be done.

CO: It seems unlikely that any city council would approve a plan to build an 18 hole golf course on disputed Indian land where there is a graveyard, where there is sacred pines, where all those things are. It seems unlikely that anyone would be that stupid today. But there are things happening that we've talked to a lot of First Nations, a lot of Indigenous people, across the country who are saying they vow to block the pipelines through their land. And they vow to stop the developments that are planned for their territory. What do you expect that we're going to see over the next months and years?

EG: Well, hopefully, this is my ideal situation is that there will be citizens of Canada who will put pressure on their government to uphold the honour of the crown to enact the principles of free, prior, and informed consent, so that we can avoid situations of what happened 28 years ago. You know, these problems are not problems that we've created. These are problems that have gone under the status quo of imperialism of we don't matter. That we stand in the way of Canada's prosperity, we're dispensable. And I think people need to understand you know we care about the earth. We care about the legacy that we leave behind. And when government doesn't listen, and only listens to the corporations, not only our Indigenous people in trouble, but the society as a whole is in trouble because we are all experiencing climate change. And I think that's where we need to meet. Is you know we are all going to have to face and be impacted by climate change. So let's work together. Why are we still trying fighting this challenge of being eliminated from history as just a footnote?

CO: Ellen, Iit's just wonderful speak to you. Thank you so much.

EG: Thank you so much, Carol.

CO: Bye bye.

EG: Bye.

[Music: cultural music]

JD: That was Ellen Gabriel, A Mohawk activist and artist from Kanesatake Nation, in Quebec. We reached her in our Montreal studio.

Part Three: Song contest, producer panel, “This is That”, weirdest stories

Song contest

Guests: Theo Aoki, Maximilian Aoki

[JD: That, of course, was the unforgettable Barbara Budd — the voice of “As It Happens” for 17 years. She was there when the As It Happens Complaints Choir gave musical voice to the grievances, gripes, and grousing sent in by listeners. Here is Barbara introducing that melodious moaning, in February of 2007.

BARBARA BUDD: They came, they sang, they complained. The first ever As It Happens Complaints Choir debuted last night. Close to 80 choristers gathered in the Glenn Gould Theatre here in Toronto to sing the song that was written from your complaints. So here it is: the As It Happens Complaints Choir.

[Music: A live rendition of complaints sent to “As It Happens” sung by a choir]

JD: The As It Happens Complaints Choir — a memorable tune. But when it comes to ear worms, the song that kicks the show off is about the earwormiest Moe Koffman's “Curried Soul”. It has been the program's theme since 1972. And since 2013, we have been using a remix created by the Montreal musician SoCalled. Back in October, we issued you a challenge. We asked you to send us a video of yourself performing your variations on our theme. And all kinds of creative people responded to our curried soul-searching like Ken Tate, a bagpiper in Castleton, Ontario.

[Music: Bagpipes]

JD: The Bridge City Brass Band in Saskatoon.

[Music: Brass]

JD: And solo saxophonist Andrae Lewis from Montreal.

[Music: Saxophone]

JD: All very original reimaginings of Moe Koffman's flute like a butterfly approach. But two young cellists from Hamilton, Ontario took our theme song challenge to the next level. They sent in a two-minute heist video, complete with suspenseful editing, cool sunglasses, two compelling lead characters, and a score that was a total score. Theo Aoki is 18 years old. His brother Maximilian is 20. We reached the two cellists at their home in Hamilton.

CO: Welcome to “As It Happens”.

MAXIMILIAN AOKI: Thank you for having us.

CO: Theo, why don’t we start with you. What inspired you to do this composition?

THEO AOKI: What really got us going was our mom. She listens to “As It Happens” very regularly. She's quite a fan. She knows that we love playing music. We love making covers of songs. And she thought it'd be great if we submitted something to this contest.

CO: Maximilian, how did you decide to take it one step further and make the video?

MA: We started with maybe trying to get a one-minute cover down, but the “As It Happens” theme we've been here in our house for pretty much as long as we can remember. And that actual theme, “Curried Soul” is just too good of an actual song to stop at that one minute mark. So we went longer. We also had the CBC building in Hamilton. And I thought you know what? It might be a cool idea to make a little short film — have a little storyline.

CO: It’s a great little narrative. Theo, do you want to tell us the story that's in that film?

TA: It's kind of like a heist, but we're not stealing anything. So the CBC building, in our story, we set it up that it has a “no busking” sign out front. And me and my brother, we come and we set up our cellos in front of the CBC building, and we busk for a little bit, in spite of the sign telling us that we cannot busk.

CO: It's well-produced, lots of elements in it. So I suspect that there was something of a film crew involved. Do you want to tell us who else was taking part in this?

TA: So whenever we do our our little kind of home-style movies or music videos, it's always our mom and dad that help us on the crew.

CO: They are great.

TA: Yeah!

MA: The way it turned out was just totally awesome.

[Music: Theo and Max’s cover of the theme]

CO: Well, we thought it was totally awesome too. And I'll tell you that we had a lot of submissions, they were very good, and it was very difficult to decide. But we have, and I'm going to tell you this now for the first time you're hearing it, you are the winners of the #AIH50 Theme Song Challenge.

MA: Oh, that's so cool. That is so awesome. I don't even really know what to say. We kind of went just going to have a little bit of fun. I'm really happy you guys like it.

CO: Theo?

TA: I was just worried it was too long.

CO: I didn't think it was long enough. I could have watched more. Theo, Maximilian, big congratulations to you both.

MA: Thank you so much. I appreciate it.

TA: Thank you.

CO: You’re great. Bye bye.

MA: All right. Take care.

JD: Maximilian and Theo Aoki are the Hamilton, Ontario brothers who make up the duo, versaCello. And they are also the winners of the As It Happens Theme Song Challenge. It's quite an honour. And you can see their video on our website: www.cbc.ca/aih.

Producer panel

Guests: Pat Noble, George Jamieson, Imogen Birchard

JD: One of the most extraordinary moments ever to air on this program unfolded on March 21st of 1977, when we mediated a hostage negotiation on the radio.

SOUNDCLIP

BF: Hello, my name is Barbara Frum. Can you tell me what situation you're in?

ROBERT MC LAGEN: I'm in a pretty good situation. Really, as long as these callboys out here don't try anything you know funny.

BF: Yeah?

RM: I've got about 15 people up here, and there's really no way that the police can get at me unless they can smite me, which I doubt.

BF: What are you in there for?

RM: I want a C-130 Hercules aircraft. I don't want to own it. I just want to borrow it.

BF: Who'd you come in with?

RM: Myself.

BF: What kind of weapons?

RM: Twelve gauge pump-gun; chopped down.

BF: Can we talk to any of the people you're holding there?

RM: Yeah, Okay. Hang on, I’ll get somebody.

JD: A remarkable moment from the “As It Happens” archives, host Barbara Fuom went on to speak with one of the hostages. Then, she put Robert McLagan, the hostage-taker, on the phone with a Toronto police officer. In the end, Mr. McLagan surrendered peacefully, and there were no casualties. Now, behind every incredible story you hear on “As It Happens” is a producer. And Pat Noble is the one who managed to get Mr. McLagan on the telephone. And George Jamieson was the senior producer of the program at the time. We reached Pat in Hamilton, Ontario, and George at his home in Victoria, British Columbia.

CO: Hello, Pat.

PAT NOBLE: Hi.

CO: Hi, George.

GEORGE JAMIESON: Hello.

CO: Welcome to “As It Happens”.

PN: It feels like old times.

GJ: Glad to be here again.

CO: Just like yesterday.

PN: Yeah, I tell you I haven't heard that clip since the day we ran it. And it just makes the hair on my back my neck stand up. That is pretty spectacular, if I do say so.

CO: Pat, it is pretty spectacular. What do you remember about that day, and tracking down Robert McLagan?

PN: Well, I remember we got the news that something was going on at the corner of whatever it was. So we had to find out you know a phone number. No Internet, no cell phones back then you got to remember; just landlines. So got us a phone number for the bank, I dialed it, and it rang and rang. I let it ring maybe 20 times. Somebody picked it up and put it down. And I knew at that moment I had them. They weren't going to let this phone keep ringing. Called back again, let it ring and ring and ring, and he answers the phone.

CO: And he answered the phones as in the hostage-taker?

PN: Exactly. And I identified who I was. You know, we had to let them know that we were recording this for broadcast later. The law says we had to do it. And I said you know, would you talk to Barbara Frum, our host? Okay, so put him through, and the rest is Barbara. I mean just took over and it was amazing.

CO: Now, I understand that that moment on the radio that you produced led to changes in policy of the police and their procedures, is that right?

PN: Yeah. I think it started in Toronto, but it's pretty much worldwide. When there's any kind of hostage situation, the first thing the police do is cut off any outside communications. They take over, and you can't make a call into a bank today when it's under siege like that — or any situation.

CO: Now, you were there Pat about 1976 to 1980 for those five years with Barbara Frum. And George, you're there. You were there at the same time.

GJ: I was.

CO: But you were there during that period of time which is pre-Google, pre all kinds of things it will just take for granted now. So what was it like to track people down?

GJ: We only had one piece of technology. We had landline telephones. And in our case, rotary dial phones. And as Pat said, one of the ingenious bits of luck was then, there was no call display. You didn't have people look at the phone and say I'll get that later. If the phone rang, and someone was there, they were very likely to pick it up.

CO: And that's a very generational thing, isn't it? Older people still if the phone’s ringing, you have to answer the phone whoever it is.

GJ: They’ll fall down and hurt themselves running to the phone, yeah.

CO: You had one other piece of technology that I learned very quickly. It doesn't seem like a great secret, but it obviously was, you had phone books.

GJ: We had a library of phone books. We would make sure we had a Washington and all the suburbs of Washington. We'd get the Manhattan phone book. We tried to get a phone book from anywhere we thought we might need a phone.

CO: We're going to fast forward some decades now, into a completely different technological landscape, which is now. And I have with me in studio one of “As It Happens”’s finest, Imogen Birchard. Hello, Imogen.

IMOGEN BIRCHARD: Hello there.

GJ: Hi, Imogen

IB: Hi.

PN: I'm anxious to hear how you do it today.

CO: How do you do it? What are your tricks?

IB: We Google like crazy right away, as soon as you have the person's name. And then it's email, Facebook, Twitter, Instagram, LinkedIn sometimes, but phone is always king.

CO: I remember last fall, you produced a story with a soccer fan in Iran — a woman. And she had traveled 400 kilometres for the FIFA World Cup qualifier against Syria. She wanted to see that game. She couldn't attend a game in her own country. She explains how she managed because Iranian women are forbidden from the stadium. I’m going to play a part of my conversation with her, and then you can tell us about.

GUEST: The name of a stadium is “Azadi”, which means “freedom” in Persian. And that's funny because half of our people in Iran cannot go to there.

CO: You're a soccer fan — you're a football fan. Have you been able to attend any matches in Iran before?

GUEST: Yeah, yeah, I once I went to this stadium actually, pretend to be a guy, and they didn't find that I'm a girl, and I went. It was really nice experience, and I really liked that.

CO: And so that is a conversation I had with an Iranian woman. How did you find her, Imogen?

IB: All I had with this woman was her first name, which is a very common first name, and the university she went to. And I thought this is kind of a longshot. That's a really common first name. That's a big university. But I started Googling, and I started going through social media pages, and the other detail I had about this woman was that she was a huge soccer fan. And so I found the Instagram account, which is a photo-sharing social media platform, of a woman with her first name in the city that university was in who seemed to love soccer. She was posting a lot about the Persepolis, the big soccer team that she was a fan of. And I was careful in sending her a private message, in which I said hi, my name is Imogen. I'm with the Canadian Broadcasting Corporation, can I call you? She was like why? I was like oh, I'd love to talk to you about being a soccer fan. And she was just like how did you find me? And after we did that interview, we used less revealing details than the Guardian, which is how I initially found her. And I told her. I said if I can find you, and you're worried about your safety, other people can find you. You should write the Guardian and tell them to try and take down some of these details about you.

CO: It's really interesting, Imogen. Because I know I mean we didn't give her last name, and we tried to disguise details, but this happens a lot, doesn't it? The new technology is that if we can find them, the authorities can find them. We have talked to people in Tahrir Square in the middle of the of the uprising there — the revolutions in different places. Young people who are so enthusiastic they just want to tell the story. And yet, we have their safety, their security, in our hands, don't we?

IB: It's an enormous responsibility. And we try and be careful with using encrypted apps like Signal or WhatsApp, which is supposed to sort of I guess block the IP addresses. But you have to warn people that you know we don't want to put anyone in danger. We don't want to put anyone at risk.

CO: I’m going to ask all three of you, Pat, George, Imogen, now regardless the technology, what do you think it takes to be a successful “As It Happens” producer? I'll start with Pat.

PN: You've got to love the chase. The crazy stories, the interesting stories, the crime stories — I used to love those. And you got to have stamina. Wow! It's a tough job.

CO: And George?

GJ: I think the real key is tenacity. Pat has it, and had it, and the ability to step sideways, and look for somebody in a way that perhaps they weren't expecting to be looked for. And if someone gets in your way or tries to tell you there's nobody here, or they don't want to talk, can you be persuasive? Can you get the person who knows the number to give you the number? Can you get the person who answers the phone to agree to an interview even if it's a brief one?

CO: Imogen, what do you think it takes?

IB: Well, I'm nodding along with the persistence and the persuasiveness. I think it takes a certain degree of shamelessness to just call someone up and demand that they talk to you, or asks as persuasively as you can that they talk to you. Sometimes, you'll find you know a high-ranking politician’s cell phone number somewhere, and you just call. Yeah, it's fearlessness.

PN: The good producers of our kind of programming are among the best cold call salespeople on the planet. We're so lucky that we're using these talents for the forces of good.

CO: Pat Noble, George Jamieson, Imogen Birchard, thank you.

ALL: Thank you.

[Music: Hip-hop]

JD: Imogen Birchard is a producer with “As It Happens”, presently. And Pat Noble and George Jamieson are retired “As It Happens” Producers.

[Music: This is That theme]

This is That

PAT KELLY: I’m Pat Kelly.

PETER OLDRING: And I'm Peter Oldring.

PK: And happy fiftieth anniversary to everyone at “As It happens”

PO: From all of us over here, which is really Pat, Chris, and myself at “This is That”.

PK: You know we have noticed over the years that there are a lot of similarities between “This is That” and “As It Happens”.

PO: Yes, well we're all family. It's as though we're all an older brother to kissing cousins… well, we're all on the same family tree.

PO: We're all Canadian. We're all on CBC Radio One.

PK: That's right. And over the years, we've noticed that there is a link between the two of our shows. Both shows kind of walk this line of truth is stranger than fiction. In our case, it's all fiction.

PO: Sure, and your show, of course, it's got some fiction, it's got some truth; I can never tell which is which, and I think that's the point. Right?

PK: But there's something that happens on “As It Happens” that you know inspires us. We often go to your show as a bit of a playbook for maybe interviews that we would do on our program. We're talking about interviews with Canadians living in smaller communities who have a remarkable story to tell.

PO: Definitely!

PK: We’ll often put that “As It Happens” lens on some of our writing.

PO: And actually, you know I think one of the stories that we would say was inspired by how “As It Happens” might cover a story is this one that we'd love for you to play. It's about a corn maze. So we want to wish you a happy anniversary on your fiftieth, and thank you for playing one of our stories on your anniversary show.

PK: And don't forget us when we turn 50. On no, this is our last season.

PK: Nothing says autumn quite like the heavenly feeling of getting lost in a corn maze. But what would you do if that corn adventure turned into a nightmare. That's exactly what happened to Janet Maynard and 67 other visitors to the Polson Family Farm corn maze last Saturday. After being rescued from the maze after being stuck for 24 hours, Janet and the others came to realize that the maze wasn't actually equipped with an exit. She is currently part of a group of individuals who are looking for answers as to how this happened. Janet joins me on the line to tell us a little bit more about her harrowing experience. Hello Janet. Thank you for being on the program.

JANET MAYNARD: Thanks for having me.

PK: So first off, why don't you tell us a little bit about what took you to the Polson Family Farm? Why did you decide to go into a corn maze?

JM: Well, I am a corn maze enthusiast. I actually spend most summers traveling the continental U.S. And I hadn't heard of this one before — this one just kind of popped onto my radar. And when I heard about it, I absolutely had to take a trip down there. Obviously, had I known when I was in store for, I never would've made the trip.

PK: As I said in the introduction, you were you were stuck in this maze for 24 hours with 67 other people. But walk us through that evening. What was the evening like?

JM: It didn't take much time before things became very “Lord of the Flies”. There was one gentleman there who will remain nameless for his own sake, and he kind of fancied himself a bit of a leader. You know different factions started splitting off. There was a small group who decided that you know for body heat they should strip nude and lie naked beside one another. You know there was the climbers, they were trying to climb over the side of the maze. And a couple of them fell and actually slightly injured themselves, which was very traumatic to watch. I could have considered myself just one of the stayers we called ourselves, where we were just going to stay in the middle and wait until help came. You know my question was where was the man running the maze at this point? You know where was he when there were 68 people trapped in the middle of his death trap, you know? Why wasn’t he doing anything? You know that's really that's one of the questions I'd like to have answered.

PK: Well Janet, it certainly sounds like a very uncomfortable experience. And we want to thank you for being on the program. And we certainly hope that you're on the road to recovery.

JM: Thank you. I mean I used a corncob to wipe myself after going to the washroom, and that's just something you don't forget very easily.

PK: I bet not. Thank you Janet. Joining us on the line now is Stan Polson, the owner and the creator of the corn maze to hopefully shed some light on how this could possibly happen. Hello Mr. Polson, thank you for being on the program.

STAN POLSON: First of all, I just want to extend on behalf of the entire Polson family just our deepest apologies. Obviously, this is something that went horribly wrong.

PK: How did this happen? How did 67 people get stuck in your corn maze?

SP: Well, you know to tell you the truth, we're all still scratching our head over here trying to figure this out as well. Obviously, this is a very large maze. This is on 20 acres of land. And this is the first year we've done this. So

PK: But how did you not notice 67 people missing?

SP: You know 20 acres… we’re still a functioning farm. We've got 30 acres of soybean that I had to attend to even on that day. So we just assumed they went in, had some fun, and left. And so we didn't hear anything. And I got up at 4:30 in the morning, obviously, to head out and tend to some of the farm duties. That’s when I saw the cars, and I said oh my god, there’s cars, where's the people? And I ran in the house, and I woke up my wife, and I said honey, there's 50-odd cars parked on the perimeter road. She said what are you talking about? Are there more people for the maze? I said no, no, there's no people; just the cars. I said I think the people are still in the maze. And as quick as I could I ran out to the combine, and fired it up, and I just cut a direct path straight to the heart of the maze. About 400 metres in I got to hear a small clearing and then there they were. Just a pile of huddled up people shaking; some crying, holding their children, holding each other, and in a god awful mess of filth. You know the filth that happens when 60 people have been left to their own devices for 24 hours. They were just surrounded by ears of corn. They clearly had to pull down some of the stocks and just gnaw on the corn. It was a horrible sight and the stench.

PK: Well, it certainly sounds like you've learned your lesson, Mr. Polson. Finally, do you think next year that you'll be making a maze?

SP: No, no. There’s not gonna be any maze. We're not we're never doing that again. Never. We're going to do something safer next year. Something easy; you know maybe a pumpkin catapult. My son also actually has designed a small roller coaster on his property just out of some makeshift farm equipment. We may open that to the public too.

PK: Take care, Mr. Polson.

SP: Thank you for your time.

JD: That was an item that ran on CBC Radio's “This Is That” on September 26th of 2013. Well, a couple of notes: First, best of luck to This Is That”, which is wrapping up this — year nine amazing seasons. You guys must be exhausted. And thanks to Pat, Peter, and Chris for the kind words. We are fans, and we appreciate them. Second, a quick clarification about a few of those kind words: “This is That” is an improvised show on which all the items are made up. “As It Happens” is a current affairs show on which none of the items are made up. And yet, for some reason people often seem to have some trouble telling us apart, which for some reason doesn't seem to be a problem for “The Current”. But that's fair enough I guess, in some cases. the truth-is-stranger-than-fiction story of Sigurdur Hjartarson. Mr. Hjartarson runs the Icelandic Phallological Museum. And, yes, "phallological" is just a fancy term for "penis." Here is Mr. Hjartarson, speaking with Carol in 2007 about his quest to find a human donor for his members-only museum.

CO: Mr. Hjartarson, why is it so difficult do you think to get a human penis for your museum?

SIGURDUR HJARTARSON: I have been collecting for 33 years now, and I'm still waiting for a human one. But I’ve got four donors, or letters of donation.

CO: So where are these letters of donation coming from?

SH: Well, one is Icelandic, and he is 92. And then I have to three foreign ones, one English, one German, and one American.

CO: And so what is it about their penises that they feel should be in the museum?

SH: The first one, the Icelander, is a famous man in Iceland. And he was a famous womanizer. And the English man is a TV personality. The German is a photographer. But the American I haven't seen that guy. He is talking about having it removed soon before he dies.

CO: Are you discouraging the American from making this donation, I hope?

SH: No, no, no, I'm not discouraging him.

CO: I mean the one where before he dies that he would donate it is.

SH: Well, that’s his problem; more his decision. He has told me he wants to have it removed, and he's a remarkable guy. He has eight tattoos on his penis. And he is having them removed now by laser. And is going to put, at my suggestion, a beautiful big tattoo of the American flag.

JD: It is easy and perhaps tempting to assume Mr. Hjartarson is alone in his enthusiasm for a dismembered penis, draped in the stars and stripes. But then you know what they say about assumptions.

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