WASHINGTON, D.C.—With James Comey fired and off the case, the Trump administration has announced it has quickly replaced him with a suitable nominee who will be able to better perform the duties of the FBI director, including the examination of any and all possible interference by Russia in the 2016 presidential election.

At a press conference, the nominee, who halting introduced himself as "Sergei… American…man" spoke briefly.

As he was unfamiliar to the assembled reporters, he introduced himself, giving some background, including the fact that he was "from your rural, capitalist state of Missouri," which perhaps could explain his thick accent of indistinct origin.

He then explained that he had a "normal and fully regular non-KGB-related upbringing, yada yada yada, then at which this point I was introduced to you as the new head of your FBI, this job now I am doing, and we close the conference now, yes."

Asked to speak on the areas in which Americanman could improve on the work done by his predecessor James Comey, President Donald Trump was effusive.

"This nominee, and I actually have to be honest with you, he's a great man. He's an American man, he's going to do a great job. He's going to do such an unbelievable job that you'll say, how could he do so well, this guy from Missouri, this guy who grew up in America. He grew up here just like Comey, so how does he understand so much better than him that Trump had nothing to do with Russia? I mean it's going to be unbelievable how much that's going to happen."

Americanman, however, did step in to defend Comey at one point during Trump's words.

"My predecessor. I must speak on this. He was tall man. Large and tall, weight of approximately five-and-one-half Russian poods. This impresses. Must eat much milk and meat, both now and when he has been becoming grown in previous years. This we appreciate. Is good for body, is good for country. Is good for Russia. Ha! America is the name of the country I am meaning."

Trump closed his own remarks by expressing just how much Americanman would find that there was no collusion between the Trump campaign and Russia, before adding, "I think, probably. I mean it's up to him."

"Up to me it is," echoed Americanman. "I am the new man who is leading the American department. It makes sense that I do this, for it is from this country that I am coming and originating when I am child of zero years and unable to acquire own meat and milk."

At press time, Americanman was asked, of the many tasks required of the FBI director, which he would first ask his aides to focus on during his first days in office, to which he replied, "we plow," at which point he explained that he needed to go back to bed as he was tired from the 14-hour flight from Missouri.