LONDON, UK—Dove, purveyor of soap and relentless condescension, has just announced a new line of "Real Beauty" body washes that come in a variety of skinny and fat bottles meant to represent the full range of female body types. This latest awkward stunt is part of a Dove's ongoing campaign to encourage women to forget about their allegedly meaningless body size by reminding them of it every waking moment of their lives.

"The slender bottles in our new line are for slender women to use," explained PR exec Kandice Lafontaine at a press conference this morning. "And that's because we here at Dove want women to know that your body size doesn't matter. It's the farthest thing from our minds. Anyway, we'd like it if larger women would stick to using the much wider bottles we designed specifically for their bodies. Again, though, ladies — you really need to let go of this obsession with what size you are. It's not healthy."

"Dove has a long history of speaking out against female objectification," Lafontaine continued. "Which is why we're proud to announce this week that we have reduced women's bodies to a bunch of literal objects."

Ava Duran, 34, a lifelong consumer of Dove body care products, says the 15 minutes she spends in the shower each morning used to be "a brief, blissful oasis in the day where no one got to comment on my body or force it into a category."

"Welp! Guess that's done with," she sighs.

When asked if a similar line of Dove products will ever be made available for men, Lafontaine laughed for a full 29 minutes.

"That's absurd," she explained after finally recovering. "Obviously we promote male body diversity by doing nothing and just letting men take a shower in peace."

Local 200-pound man Brendan LaRue says he's relieved to hear it. "If you want to promote the message that something doesn't matter, it makes sense that you just kind of shut up about it, no?"

At press time, all women on earth wondered why they haven't ended up with LaRue's confident demeanour.