Hello! I am furious about a fictional man who has an extremely peripheral role in a movie I have not seen.

I am unspeakably angry because this character appears to live his fictional life in a way that is different from the way I live my life, and this is utterly unacceptable.

I go to the movies to watch my exact likeness making the very same life choices that I made and espousing all of my exact beliefs, no matter how ignorant or fear-based they may be. It's very relaxing.

What's my favourite movie, you ask? To be honest, a long time ago I covered my television screen with an enormous mirror and that's been working out very well for me. Lately I seem to be watching a great many documentaries about grown men who happen to be Russian lawmakers crying into buckets of KFC.

Beauty and the Beast is meant to be a lovely, innocent tale of a young woman having romantic and sexual relations with a horrific and grotesque mammal of some sort. And so I ask you: is this really the place to lightly suggest that love and affection exist between two human adults? Of course it's not, and it's absolutely abhorrent that you'd think otherwise.

I want to be able to sit back and watch a beautiful and flawless woman desperately search for redeeming qualities in a monstrous, unattractive, brutish, emotionally abusive male to the point of complete exhaustion, secure in my knowledge that this story would never get told if the roles were reversed.

When it comes to love stories, I'm not asking for much: the reinforcement of tired female stereotypes, some lighthearted bestiality set to pleasing, award-winning music, and – listen up because this part is crucial to my happiness – everyone in that world must must must be sexually attracted to the opposite gender.

As a Russian lawmaker, I will be devoting considerable time and energy to banning this film because everything else in my country is working perfectly and all of my international relationships are normal and great and not at all problematic.

I hope I have set both the record and this disgusting movie 100%, unquestionably, and undeniably straight.