ADEN, YEMEN—Doubling down on his vow to eliminate all risks originating in Muslim countr— ahem, seven specific Middle Eastern countries – President Donald Trump has announced he will be deporting all contributions and advancements made by Muslims to the modern world, including surgery, algebra, and even coffee.

"I must support the president on this," says Ben Carson, Head of Housing and Urban Development and former brain surgeon.

"Although surgery is my former field, its many advancements that took place in the Islamic world, including techniques, early Egyptian hospitals, and several key medical books written in Al-Andalus mean that it is highly suspect. We will get rid of it for now, and we'll see what we can come up with to replace it in the next couple days."

After his announcement, Trump promptly took a lengthy nap, as coffee was reportedly first brewed in medieval Yemen and as such is a major no-no. He was reportedly considering going with Coca-Cola or Mountain Dew or, if possible, the two mixed together in a sugary, caffeinated slurry.

Press Secretary Sean Spicer also announced that the dates and all other numbers in future press releases are due to be written in Roman numerals, as the administration will be doing away with the numerals we use every single day, as well as algebra, though the latter isn't expected to come up very often in the White House.

At press time, it was rumoured that nobody in the Trump administration would be giving any further interviews for the time being, because a lot of what we know as the modern toothbrush originated in the time of Muhammad, and so things are going to start getting pretty stinky.