NEW YORK, NY—A report that a man paid multiple women to urinate on a bed once occupied by the president of the United States and First Lady is somehow not the most harmful, degrading, or outrageous behaviour he has engaged in of late.

The man, who happens to be rich, white, and powerful, is poised to wreak unspeakable damage in the coming months when he enacts policies that are openly dripping in contempt for minorities, immigrants, women, the economically disadvantaged, and members of the LGBTQ+ community. He will also take active steps to destroy the environment, personally profit financially from holding office, and most likely punch in the nuclear codes and blow up the entire earth because a tween on Twitter casually made fun of the man's hair.

"Make no mistake – that pee thing is disgusting and hugely offensive," says an American citizen. "But a few days ago that same man announced he'd be taking my health care away even though it's the only way I can afford my diabetes medication. And his administration seems to believe that my gay son will be sent to conversion therapy. In 2017. So I mean, the pee thing is sort of at the very bottom of my list of grievances, if that's okay?"

Even the president, whose bed was allegedly peed upon, laughs off the notion that this is somehow the most egregious example of disrespect the man has shown him.

"I mean there was that time he devoted literally years of his racist little life to promoting the idea that my birth certificate is a fraud," the president explains.

"Peeing the bed? That's nothing," he continues. "This dude shits the bed about seventeen times a day."