Obama's farewell address to be literal address of bunker where people welcome to join him for next eight years
Sophie Kohn | CBC Comedy | Posted: January 10, 2017 4:39 PM | Last Updated: January 10, 2017
CHICAGO, IL—According to Obama's speechwriter Jacob Feingold, the outgoing president has been hard at work preparing and rehearsing the farewell address he will deliver to the nation tonight – but the particulars of that address may come as a surprise.
"He's been standing in front of the bathroom mirror practicing the address over and over since sunrise," Feingold reports. "19 Industrial Parkway, 19 Industrial Parkway, 19 Industrial Parkway."
- President Obama's moving out to-do list
- Obama unleashes tweetstorm on NO ONE BECAUSE HE'S THE GOD DAMN PRESIDENT AND AN ADULT MAN
"That's it. That's the entire speech," Feingold explains. "When we say 'farewell address' we pretty much just mean a street address of an extremely large underground survival shelter. Immediately after his delivery of the address, Obama will be headed there for the next eight years, and he would be overjoyed if people would come join him."
When reached for comment, Obama said he's almost got the entire address memorized.
He's just going to walk to the podium, deliver the address of the bunker once, pause dramatically for 20 seconds, and then state it a second time. - Jacob Feingold, speechwriter
"The '19' part I've got down," the president chuckles. "And I'm feeling pretty solid on the 'Industrial' part now, too. But then my brain always blanks on what comes after that. Is it 'Boulevard'? 'Avenue'? Damn. I can never remember that part!"
Likely to make history as the shortest farewell address ever, Obama's speech will be televised on all the major networks between 9:00 pm and 9:00:25 pm Eastern Standard Time.
"He's just going to walk to the podium, deliver the address of the bunker once, pause dramatically for 20 seconds, and then state it a second time," Feingold explains.
Obama says he's packing light for life in the underground bunker, and he encourages others to do the same.
"A clean pair of slacks, a bag of trail mix, and that utterly fantastic board game Balderdash," Obama says. "Plus my trusty Trump wig. Finally I'll get to do my Trump impression as a free and private citizen instead of being forced to practice it in the White House cleaning closet with the door triple-locked."
Don't miss anything from CBC Comedy - like us on Facebook.