Well, well, well. Sure seems like times have changed. And not for the better.

Sorry, snowflakes! But I'm about to tell you a few things that you probably don't want to hear—and I'm just fine with that. I lied a minute ago when I said I was sorry. And yep, I'm allowed to lie.

It's a free country.

Used to be that a guy didn't have to be so careful with sharing his opinions. Used to be that when a man tried to express himself, he wasn't suddenly told, "Help! Please, anyone, help! I'm being mugged!" Used to be that you didn't have to tiptoe around all the time, unless you were specifically tiptoeing around to not be heard, as I was when I mugged you in a dark alley last Tuesday.

Uhhhhh can't you take a joke?

I'm sorry if it offends your delicate liberal ears to hear this, but I am under no obligation to treat you like a special snowflake. In fact, my ancestors fought for their rights in that war that Ayn Rand wrote about specifically so I can do whatever I want, as long as it doesn't hurt anyone else. Or, in my belief, if it does hurt them a little and also takes $17 from their coat pockets.

Oh and by the way: only $17????? I'm the one who should be offended!

But nope, you had to get your feelings (and your knee) hurt, and call in "the P.C. police." As well as, you know, "the actual police."

I'm sooooo scared now. No I actually am, though.

It used to be that people could have differences of opinion. That's healthy, you know. I thought you and I could realize, like adults, that I wanted a little money (a lot more than $17, and definitely not so many QUARTERS), whereas you didn't want to give me that money. Because you were in your "safe space."

It's called agreeing to disagree?

The Founding Fathers were pretty darn good at it—ever heard of them? But I guess we've lost that skill. Now it's called "bullying" and "fascism" and "petty larceny under $5,000."

Well, guess what? It's also called freedom of speech.

Please don't tell my parents.