Survivor's guilt weighs heavily on Fort McMurray mayor on first Christmas after wildfire
David Thurton | CBC News | Posted: December 21, 2016 2:19 PM | Last Updated: December 21, 2016
‘I don’t have a tree up because my heart wasn’t in it’
Fort McMurray Mayor Melissa Blake did not decorate a Christmas tree this year, and she won't be celebrating the holiday in her hometown.
"Actually no. I don't have a tree up because my heart wasn't in it," Blake said in a year-end interview with CBC News.
Her home is being renovated, but it's more than the inconvenience. She says she can't celebrate when so many lost so much during the wildfire that swept through the city in May.
"I've got my home. I've got my tree. I got my ornaments. I got my family. I got no heart for putting up something that other people in the community don't have," Blake said.
"It was really the weight of survivor's guilt at Christmas time that hit me heavier than anything else."
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Although no one died during May's wildfire, the inferno, nicknamed the Beast, devoured over 2,400 buildings.
Many wanted to rebuild their homes before Christmas, but few have been able to do so.
Instead many homeowners are navigating through the lengthy permit process and negotiating with insurance companies.
The stress of rebuilding, on top of the panicked evacuation and devastating return, left many residents seeking emotional and psychological help.
Alberta Health Services said about one quarter of the 80,000 people evacuated from the city in May reached out for mental health services since August.
'I can carry the weight of the world'
The mayor said the fire made her realize she wasn't as strong as she thought she was.
"I was talking to people that lost everything, that were giving me re-assurances that they would come back, that they would be okay.
"I had to be what they needed to get through that," Blake thought at the time. "No problem. I can carry the weight of the world."
But when Christmas arrived, the weight became too much and Blake couldn't see herself celebrating.
She has not sought professional help, but says she realizes her guilt is unhealthy and she's working to reframe the emotions.
"Some people are really feeling bad. But you can't take that all on yourself, if you intend to be helpful to other people," she said.
Blake said it was a woman who lost her home that helped her realize it was fine to celebrate.
"They just gave me a big smile and said, 'You know what? We are all okay. You can celebrate Christmas'," she said.
Blake is spending Christmas with her husband and two sons, but out of town and without a tree and ornaments.